


Analog

by nimrod262



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Alpha Team, Analogue, BSAA, Bio Organic Weapons | B.O.W.s, Christmas, Diary, Edonia, Journal, Loss, Love, M/M, New Year, New Year's Resolutions, Nivanfield, Piers search for Chris Redfield, The 5 stages of loss, a-ha, chrisxpiers, pta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 15:47:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 48,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9131089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimrod262/pseuds/nimrod262
Summary: This is a project I've wanted to do for a while, but the timing had to be right.  It's my take on Piers Nivans' 6 month search for Chris Redfield in Edonia.





	1. December 2012

**Author's Note:**

> The tale is set in my main Nivanfield AU where Andy, Ben, Carl and Finn survive, just as Piers will. It will be updated monthly here on AO3, but weekly(ish) on my nimrod262 tumblr blog.
> 
> The title was inspired by a favourite song of mine, “Analogue” by a-ha. The lyrics capture what I think Piers' sentiments would have been as he started his search.

Analog

A personal record by Lt P. Nivans, Alpha Team SOU, BSAA NAB

 

**Edonia, Saturday 29th December 2012:**

Not sure how I'm gonna' write this Captain. I haven't kept a journal since the Military Academy! Sort of shorthand I guess, like a conversation with you; even if it is a bit one sided. I'm writing these first couple of days from memory. They were before I got this diary, I'll explain later.

I've just realized, it was Christmas.....Merry Christmas Captain.

**Tuesday, December 25th 2012:**

I went ape when I went back to the hospital. "How could you lose a man that fucking size?" I was screaming at them. Andy had to drag me away. It's not their fault, Christ, their countries been torn apart, there's wounded and infected soldiers everywhere, you were just another number on the casualty list. A Doctor mumbled something about battlefield stress perhaps, said you may have been moved to some other ward. I didn't take it in at the time. Your Mr Cool had lost it.

I went back later, searched every single room in the place, even the morgue. I eventually found your gear in one of the side wards, some guy in the room was complaining you'd taken his clothes and then walked out without saying a word. At least I know what you're wearing. I saw the same Doctor, he was still working. All he could tell me was that you hadn't responded to any questions. You had multiple cuts and abrasions, nothing major, but you'd just 'shut down' as he called it. I told him about the ambush and the fight with the Ogroman. He thought you might be suffering from PTSD or PTA but he wasn't expert in either. Then he got called away. The place was like a mad house, no wonder you could just walk out, there's no security.

I told Claire this evening. She said, and I quote, "Find him, and tell him to get his ass back here!" I said it's not so simple and she said, "It is.....just do it!" I guess it's a Redfield thing.

**Wednesday, December 26th 2012:**

I met up with some contacts I've made here today. In a little cafe that somehow has survived the civil war. There's Stefan and Ana, both in Edonian Army Intelligence, and Petar in the City Police. Ana tried to cheer me up. I though she was gonna' hit on me....Ha, ha! I had to tell her, Petar was getting jealous. Tell her the thing I've always wanted to tell you. She said she'd guessed, the way I go on about you all the time, night and day. She's sweet, good company.

**Thursday, December 27th 2012:**

I managed to get on the phone to Mom first thing. She says you'll be fine and I'm not to worry. Mums! I didn't speak to Pop, well you know that story....leaving the army was a betrayal and joining the BSAA was just the last straw.

Met up with Ana again. We found a bookshop still open in a tiny backstreet, she bought me this diary, said I should log everything whilst I'm looking for you. Hope I don't have to fill it out for a whole week! I'm gonna' call it my Analog. After Ana and after a song I heard. We had a coffee and there was a song on the jukebox, you know me and music. It was called Analogue (Ana-Log geddit!) by some Scandinavian group I've never heard of. But the words, Jeez! I played it over and over until I'd got them all written down. The owner pulled the plug in the end. You'd like the guitar lick Captain. I've watched you when you're drinking with the guys. You don't just play air-guitar, you do the right fingering. Did you ever have a guitar I wonder? There's so much about you I want to find out, there's so much I want to tell you. It's all in the words, here they are.

_"Analogue"_

_Come back, my darling one_

_I'm calling on ya_

_The road ahead is long_

_And I must warn ya_

 

_I wonder_

_Where did he go?_

_If I failed you_

_I tell you right now_

 

_All I want you to know; I love you_

_All I need is the time to show ya_

 

_Come back, my fallen one_

_Don't let 'em fool ya_

_Cos when the day is done_

_They'll never move ya_

 

_Lay down your sense of pride_

_(Got more than you have)_

_Put out your mournful tones_

_I tell you right now_

 

_All I want you to know; I love you_

_All I need is the time_

_to show you how I feel_

_Feel!_

 

_Lay down your sense of pride_

_trampled once too often_

_I tell you right now_

_All I want you to know; I love you_

_All I need is the time to show you_

_Oh yeah you know I love you_

_All I need is the time to show you how I feel_

_Ohh!_

 

There, I've said it Captain....I love you....always have, always will....Oh jeez....

Better now......got a little emotional there. Love that line about I got more pride than you have. I know I can be an arrogant SOB, but I'm working on it. You’re my teacher, one of the least boastful men I know, although you have cause to be.

I've just thought. Do I have to explain that? I don't know. 'I love you' seems to say it all. Funny, I could never say it to your face, but I can tell your memory. Here, in this journal. Oh, that sounds like you've gone. I don't mean that. I mean the 'you' here in my memory. Oh crap! This is hard, letting my guard down.....

**Friday, December 28th 2012:**

The guys have been outstanding. They want to spend their R&R looking for you, but I've ordered them take it. Andy's going to a girlfriend(s)! Did you know your Sergeant is a sex machine? Carl's going back to his wife and Finn, the rookie, is going to Ireland.  He’s taking Ben cos' he's got no one. I told my Mom I'm staying here. She understands, says she knows I won't rest till I've found you......she's so wise, you'd love her.

I suppose I should explain who Ana and the others are. Ana is our Edonian Army liaison officer, a junior lieutenant in their Intel Corps. You didn't meet her when we arrived, that was my job, you had to go and look after the politics with the European Branch chiefs. Jeez, politics sucks in the BSAA, I don't know how you cope, you must like it! She's cute and sassy, like an Edonian Claire! Stefan is also a lieutenant in their I Corps. He's older, steady. I met him with Ana at the hospital we took you to. He was checking for mercenaries and ELA members amongst the injured and wounded, in case they were trying to slip through the net. He's got a team under his command, and he offered to get them to look for you at the same time they're combing the rest of the country for fugitives. Petar is a civilian police officer, supporting Stefan in his main task. He's gonna' come be useful to me in my search, they all are. We're assuming you haven't gone far, that you're still somewhere in the city. Don't move, we're coming to get you! Ha, ha!

**Saturday, December 29th 2012:**

I told Stefan what the doctor in the hospital had said, about the PTSD and that. He suggested I go to the military hospital on the other side of town; there might be someone there with more knowledge of those things. He drove me over and eventually we found a guy. I explained the situation to him. He said it sounded like a classic case of PTA, Post-Traumatic Amnesia. The way you shut-down was your mind looking for an escape, from some major recent trauma, or a series of traumas over a long time. Without your medical records he couldn't be more specific; but he gave me a couple of English-language books on the subject. Marked up some chapters for me to read.

I spoke to Command this afternoon. They knew you were in trouble when they lost your sat-link. That was when the Ogroman attacked you. I've tried to keep them in the loop since then. So far they've been really supportive, trying to keep the admin requirements down. No wonder you hate all that stuff! And then Major Valentine called me! Shit! I know you two go way back, but she scares the hell out of me! And you know what? She was as nice as pie. Very, very concerned.....she called me Piers! Said she was relying on me. No pressure then! I asked her for your personal and medical records, cos' there might be something in them that would explain your disappearance, how you might be thinking. She said they were classified, on a need to know basis. Then she said she reckoned if anyone needed to know it was me, and she would see what she could do to get them for me. She said "Good luck Piers" like she was my Mom, soft and tender. I thought she was about to cry. Then she got all Major'ish again, "Do your duty Lieutenant!" then the line went dead. Jeez, women! I just can't figure them out.

**Sunday, December 30th 2012:**

How are you Captain? I bet you're snoring your head off somewhere. Did you know you snore? Sometimes, in the plane back from ops, you're louder than the engines! Andy went to pinch your nose once I remember. I gave him the 'look'. No one's gonna' pinch your nose or anything else whilst I'm around!

I had two huge pdf files marked 'Personal, For Lt P Nivans Eyes Only!, arrive this morning. Major Valentine sure moves quick! I bet the poor guy in records is still clutching his balls! Sorry, didn't mean to be disrespectful, I'm very thankful. So today I've got lots of reading to do. I've taken your room in the barracks, fuck seniority! I need the space and the peace and quiet. I've packed all your gear, so we're ready to go as soon as I find you. Except for one thing. I hope you don't mind. It sounds kinda' weird, but I've kept your cologne out. You know, the one called Reaction, that Claire buys you. It just reminds me of you. I tried some on, but it doesn't smell the same on me like it does on you. I don't have your body heat. Ha ha! So I carry it around and just sniff it when I'm feeling low. Don't ask me how I know Claire buys it, we have secrets your sister and me...good ones!

Well, I was cheerful first thing this morning, but by the time I'd finished reading this afternoon I wasn't any more. Oh, my dear, sweet Captain. How do you hold it all together? I so wanna' help you, take that burden off your shoulders. Finn's right, you are awesome.....Oh, fuck!......I can't go.......

Sorry Captain, had to sniff the cologne again. Got dinner with the guys tonight, before they leave for Ramstein tomorrow, that'll cheer me up. I'm pathetic.

I'm worse than pathetic, a sniveling little shit is more accurate. Somehow, during dinner, we got to talking about the New Year, 2013. Finn said "Oh dear, thirteen, that's bad luck!" before he'd finished speaking I was at his throat, shaking him, screaming like a lunatic. "Don't you fucking dare say that, don't you even think it you fucking useless rookie!" I let you down, I let the men down. Ben got me in an arm lock, dragged me off Finn and then put me in a bear hug. He wouldn't let go, kept squeezing tighter until I stopped struggling. Which is when I started blubbing; Finn was already crying. Ben just held me, stroking my hair, telling me to let it all out, then hushing me as my sobs subsided. He said "Hush now El Tee, everything will be alright. We understand, we all want him back Sir. Now straighten yourself up and apologize to Finn." I tell you Captain, that man's a rock! So I hugged Finn and we cried some more and he whispered in my ear in that soft, shy voice he has. "Go find Cap'in. If anyone can do it it's you El Tee; you're just as awesome as he is. Even this dumb old rookie knows that." It was humbling Captain, your men, jeez, I can't find the words......

**Monday, December 31st 2012:**

I said goodbye to the guys for you first thing this morning. Waved until the Herc was out of sight. They didn't want to go, but somehow their departure has cleared things in my head. I've been acting like a spoilt kid, like I'm the one it's all about. Well, that's all gonna' change. I let you down, let myself down last night. It's December 31st, time to make some resolutions. No guessing what my New Year's resolution is gonna' be. **AND I WILL FIND YOU CAPTAIN, WHATEVER IT TAKES.** The BSAA, the rest of the world, they can all go hang. When you walked out of that hospital you took a part of me with you, my heart. I pray to God it keeps you safe. So I'm gonna' suck it up, take my own medicine for a change. I've been too willing to dish it out in the past, and now it's my turn. I'm gonna' be fixed, focused, resolute - heartless - in my search for you. Nothing, no-one, is gonna' get in my way in the days ahead. I won't rest until I find you, I promise!

P.S. This will make you pleased and I know you'd do the same if you were here. I've recommended Finn for a Bronze Star, for his actions in blowing the bridge and fighting the Ogroman. With the Major on my side I'm sure he'll get it. And, as acting head of ALPHA Team, I'm giving Ben a field promotion to Corporal, for purely selfish reasons. What's the use of having the authority if you don't use it? Ha, ha ha!


	2. January 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's January 2013. Torn between his sense of duty and the loss of Chris Redfield, Piers Nivans struggles to combine his responsibilities as Alpha Team Leader whilst continuing the search for his beloved Captain.

**Analog**

**A personal record by Lt P. Nivans, Alpha Team SOU, BSAA NAB**

**Tuesday, January 1st 2013:**

Well Captain, it's been a week now, and not a trace of you. If you have lost your memory through this PTA thing, you haven't lost your field craft. You've hidden yourself as well as any sniper I know, including me! Then again, perhaps we're looking in the wrong places. Pavel and Stefan are fairly sure you haven't left the country. The civilian airports and rail network are still shutdown from the war, and the borders are pretty much closed. But if you have retained your skills, that might not be a problem. Shit! Just a sign, some hint to give us a lead. Anything to say you're alive and have passed this way or that. I won't even countenance the other option. I don't feel it, with any of my senses. You're alive, I just know it. Somewhere out there. Are you missing the guys, me? Are you trying to find us? No, that's stupid, you'd have found us by now; not been sat on your ass moping.

You've got money, whatever was in your wallet; but you left that behind in the hospital, together with your id and credit cards. It won't be a lot I suppose, but it suggests you're rational. It also suggests a desire to leave your identity behind. I'm still reading up on PTA and PTSD; and trying to profile you from your BSAA records. I'm trying to become Sherlock Holmes and Sigmund Freud through a crash learning course, ha, ha! Sorry...if I don't laugh I'll cry!

Happy New Year Captain. I know you're safe; just come back to us....soon.

**Wednesday, January 2nd 2013:**

I read through the night, but even with my logic skills it's hard to make all the pieces fit. There are just so many variables. I'm developing some broad characteristics from your records. You know, things like your issues with authority, your strong moral compass. Your tendency to go off half-cocked, ahem, sorry, but you know what I mean! Also your work skills. I mean, it's unlikely you'd find a job in administration or an office. But you can drive, fly, shoot. But then again, perhaps that's exactly what you've run away from. It's down to probabilities. I guess I need to read up on them too. Take care Captain.

**Thursday, January 3rd 2013:**

I touched base with Ana and Stefan this morning. Nothing to report unfortunately. They're still busy clearing up isolated pockets of the ELA. Thank God there have been no reports of bio weapons being used since last week. The BSAA took a pounding in those first few days. We got away lucky on Alpha. I suppose I should feel grateful; but somehow, just now, I don't feel grateful at all.

A call! From Pavel! The police in a place called Majdabor have picked up a vagrant answering your description. I'm gonna drive there right now. I won't be long Captain!

**Friday, January 4th 2013:**

Shit shit shit shit shit! I couldn't write anything last night, all my hopes dashed. It wasn't you they'd found. Big guy, with a beard, rambling. But I knew as soon as I looked at him of course. I so wanted it to be you. I'm driving back to the city today. Damn it! Where the hell are you Captain?

I'm so fucking angry tonight, with myself, with the world, with you. Why did you have to quit on me Captain? I'd give my all for you, surely you know that by now? Did Merah die in vain; protecting me so that I might protect you? Her death was the first to hit me so hard. Don't tell me it was wasted. Tell me it was noble; show me it was worthwhile. Don't just run and hide from it all. Don't be afraid; the BSAA needs you, the world needs you.....I need you. Oh Chris, come back to us, please.

**Saturday, January 5th 2013:**

Thank God it's the morning! I don't know if or when I slept.....I suppose I must have cried myself to sleep at some point. I didn't mean to blame you, what I wrote, yesterday. I'm sorry, it's not your fault, you're not well. Command should have seen this coming, and so should I. We're the ones who should be blamed, not you. It's time to take stock once again. My self-loathing isn't going to find you any more than my self-pity would have done......

Ok, feeling a bit better now. One thing useful did came out of yesterday's disaster. The police in Majdabor said if they'd had your fingerprints on file, they could have made an id straight away. There's me playing at the great detective and I forget something so elementary! I contacted Major Valentine and she's gonna send me the full set ASAP. I'm so sorry Captain, I just didn't think of something so obvious. Trying to be too clever, as usual. Still, lesson learned.

One of the problems right now is communication. A lot of the infrastructure is down, or non-existent. Civil internet and e-mail are out, mobiles too. Public phone lines and fax are intermittent. The military land-lines are not too bad, just very busy. Stefan and Pavel called in this afternoon, just as your fingerprints came in. They helped me get them fed into the police and army networks. It took a while, but at least we got them to the main hubs.....eventually. The out-lying stations will have to rely on whatever local links they still have left.

I've updated Claire tonight. She's fine, don't worry. She gave me some advice, er, but it wasn't very ladylike. I think even Andy would have blushed! I know she cares really. She's so like you; hides it all under that tough exterior. Oh! I've now heard from all the guys by the way. They all got wherever safely, and now they want to come back and help me. I must admit, I could do with a touch of Finn's cheerful optimism right now. He's got such blind faith in me, more than I deserve. I promise I'm never gonna' shout at him again, I mean it. Good night Captain, stay safe.

**Sunday, January 6th 2013:**

Went to a church today. I figured a prayer or two might help; I need all the help I can get at the moment. I know you have your doubts, but I've always kept my faith. Albeit hidden most of the time, a bit like me I guess. Still, I'm something of a professional at that I suppose; hiding myself, and my true feelings. Although sitting in the back pew quietly crying at the start of the service wasn't exactly low-profile. But by the time it finished it was the first time I've felt any inner peace over the last couple of weeks. A few minutes calm in the middle of a hurricane. You know? Like sometimes, for no apparent reason, there's a lull in the middle of combat. Eerie, yet so wonderful. Then gone, in an instant. Anyway, it proved to me I'm not the only one looking for you. I hope you've found inner peace Chris, away from whatever it was that made you leave.....

More sniffles, sorry.....again. It was an Edonian Orthodox Church, not far from the base here. A pretty white building, with an ornate and pointy spire, baroque style I think they call it. Sort of place I'd hide up in. Ha! That's weird I suppose......a sniper in a church spire. I didn't understand too much of what was going on, all the priests had long thick beards, lots of chanting and incense. Inside there were lots of icons, brightly colored images, very old. But no statues like we would expect; they're banned apparently. And the communion was wine and lamb, not bread. It was the most satisfying meal I've had in a long time; and you know me and my stomach. Food for the soul. But Oh for a decent steak!

First drink I've had in quite a while too. You'd have laughed, drinking in a church. "What are you like Piers? Pissed on Sunday Parade?" Ha, ha! God knows I miss you and your inappropriate humor. I told him, in my own prayers, whilst I sat at the back of that church. I had a picture of you with me, so you could join in. That selfie of you, me and Finn. The one he took just after we arrived, remember? Finn's looking at his hand, not the camera, and I look like a dork. You're sort of smiling, well you're not scowling! And as I sat there with it in my hand I realized it would make a good image for a 'missing' poster. If I crop it, it will be Ok. Divine inspiration or what? God bless Captain. Stay put please, and stay safe, for the guys and me.

P.S. People around here keep coming up to me and saying "Hristos se rodi" I have no idea what it means. I'll have to ask Ana tonight. She says if I’m going to stay here looking for you I need to understand Edonia; its people and its customs. So she's taking me to see the Badnjak, whatever that is. All I really wanna' see is you. And I will do soon, I just know it.

**Sunday, January 6th 2013, continuation:**

Whad’ya' know Captain? It's Christmas time again! Today is Christmas Eve. That phrase people kept saying “Hristos se rodi." It means 'Christ is born.' You have to say "Vaistinu se rodi" back, 'Truly he is born.' I thought they were talking about you, because Christopher is Hristofor here, but no such luck I'm afraid. It's because the church works on the Julian calendar, not our Gregorian one, so there's a 13 day difference. However, I'm sure it's a sign; it's like being given another week free to look for you! So Merry Christmas my dearest Captain. We missed the last one fighting the Ogroman; I don't think any of us knew what day it was at the time. I so hope you're able to celebrate it now, I wish you were here with me Chris.

Tonight Ana took me to her parent's house in the city for their family Christmas Eve dinner. Before that we went to a service in the main cathedral of Saint Sava. One of the texts was the story of Mary and Joseph looking for somewhere for her to give birth. The priest mentioned Joseph was a carpenter by trade, and it struck a chord; although I couldn't think why at the time. After the service, in the courtyard of the cathedral, the Patriarch burnt a young oak tree on a bonfire; the tree is called the Badnjak. Burning it symbolizes the fire the shepherds made in the manger to keep Mary and the baby Jesus warm. It's like a Yule Log I guess. And as the oak wood crackled and burned; I made the connection. The oak wood, Joseph the carpenter. I remembered something I'd seen in your records, from your earliest days in STARS. You'd put down carpentry and making oak furniture as one of your hobbies. See! It all fits! Well, it does to me, ha ha! It tells me you're alive!

Later, after dinner, we all sat around the fireside, with the house Badnjak burning in the grate, and we each had to tell a story. I was dreading my turn, Ana had to give me a glass of rakija, a brandy-wine, to calm my nerves. It's the national drink, very strong, 40%! You'd love it Captain, I must get you some.

Here's the gist of my story; I told it especially to the children there, Ana's nieces and nephews:

"Once upon time there was a brave warrior, a knight, the bravest in the land. He was famous for fighting monsters and their evil masters. He did this to protect the weak and the poor. He was a very noble man and it was his personal quest. One day, in a city in a faraway country, he had to fight the biggest monster he'd ever seen. He wasn't afraid, but the monster was as cunning as it was huge. In a tremendous battle, they fought together in the city, and the monster won. The brave knight would have been killed, but his fellow warriors rallied around him. It took all of them to drive the monster back, but they couldn't kill it. Eventually it ran away over the river that wound through the city; back to the dark lands where it had come from. But the brave knight lay still on the ground. His friends feared the worst, but it was Christmas Day, a day for miracles. And by some miracle they found he was still alive - but only just. He was in a deep, deep, sleep. They took him to a sanctuary and left him in the care of the healers, but when he woke up he couldn't remember who or where he was and so he ran away, confused and frightened. Some people said he'd become crazy and that he should be left free to wander. Others said he was a coward, but agreed that he should be left to his fate. Only his loyal squire stayed to look for him. Because he knew the monster still lived and that one day it would return to the land. The squire knew only the brave knight could slay the monster, no one else. And so as Christmas day drew to a close, he set out on his own quest; to find the bravest knight and bring him safely back home.

One of the kids asked if the squire ever found the knight and I teared up. I said "No, I'm still looking." then I had to have another shot of rakija!

So tomorrow......gosh, I just looked at my watch. It's already tomorrow! Anyway, today, I'm gonna start checking on lumber yards and furniture makers, places like that. I've got a good feeling about this......take care my bravest knight.

**Monday, January 7th 2013:**

Christmas Day, again!......Merry Christmas Chris. I slept until 08:00 this morning; it must have been all that rakija last night! You know what a lightweight I am when it comes to drinking. Ana wanted me to stay with her family today, more food and celebrations, but I declined. I owe it to you to keep-up the search. I can't let you down Captain.....I won't. So, first off I'm gonna get some 'missing' posters made, just hand-held size for now, A4. Things are quiet at the moment, so I can use the base offices without any hassle. The Edonian Army guys are pretty good hosts to the BSAA; but they always wanna' stop and talk about fighting BOWs and stuff. They probably think I'm rude, I never chat for long, there's so much I've got to do.

At the bottom of the poster I've translated into Edonia your physical description. It sounds like that old song. "Six foot two, eyes of blue......But oh, what those six foot can do!.....Has any body seen my guy?" Ha, ha, ha! Yeh, I know they're brown, as if I could forget. That's what frightens me sometimes, at night, that I might forget something about you, the little details. Your image is in my mind all the time Captain......Oh dear.....

Yup, more sniffles.......Your description sounds kinda' scary; most Edonians are not that big, ha ha! There's also some contact numbers. The Police, Army, BSAA, and my mobile (that's what they call a cell here.) Anyway, I'd better get cracking. We'll ~~talk~~ write more later.

This afternoon I went around and distributed posters to all the hotels and hostels nearest the hospital. It's as good a starting point as any. I'll cover more later in the week. Then I came back here to plot the various carpenter's and furniture maker’s establishments; I've got a detailed city map on one wall in my room. They're all closed today, but they should open tomorrow. When I drive around I can check out the construction sites as well. Most of those are nearer the city centre, where much of the fighting took place. It's more like removing the rubble rather than actual construction, but it's physical work and I think that's what you might be doing.

I just can't sit here on my ass all day; getting out makes me feel I'm doing something useful. Don't know how long I can keep the jeep though. But at least the Army is first in the queue for fuel!

More reading and planning tonight. I took my supper in the room. It's too much like a party in the Officer's Mess tonight, and I'm not in the mood.

Just went over what I wrote earlier. I'm talking to you Chris, not writing. And in my mind's ear I can hear your replies. We haven't done enough of that, you and I. We must try it when you're back safe and sound; talk to each other, properly. What do you think?

**Tuesday, January 8th 2013:**

Got some more posters run off this morning. I need one of those plasticizers, so I can make some waterproof ones. If it's not raining here, it's snowing. I'll see if the guys from the European Branch can get something sent out. There are some flights due in later this week from the UK, some of the SOU's and clean-up teams are being rotated. Perhaps Major Valentine can pull some strings, she's not the sort of person you refuse. You're alike in many ways I think. Don't laugh! You both get things done.....you just go about it differently that's all.

Quite a few of the furniture makers were closed. Partly because of the holidays, but also because the civil war has disrupted their supplies of timber. They all seemed sympathetic, they appreciate all the BSAA has done to help their country. But they have their own problems to worry about besides helping me to find you. I made sure the posters were displayed somewhere prominent. More luck with the carpentry firms. They're busy with building repairs; so most were open. I never really knew how effective my smile was on ladies until now.......most of the secretaries are young girls. They seemed to think it was quite romantic; the idea of me searching for my missing Captain. They don't know the half of it. One place gave me a business directory; that will be useful if I have to expand the search.....hope I don't have to!

I found a few more hostels on my travels too. There's a lot of people displaced by the war and they're very busy. I didn't have much chance to check on the construction sites, it get's dark around 16:00 hours. But I did notice some soup kitchens that had been set up in different locations. If you haven't found work, and are running short of money, it's the sort of place you could end up. I shall add them to my 'to do' list. Stay safe Captain.

**Wednesday, January 9th 2013:**

Spent most of the day visiting construction sites. I noticed people got a bit edgy when they saw the military jeep; so I've learnt to park a ways off. I'm in 'civvies' for the same reason, uniforms make some folks jumpy, whilst others just wanna' hug you. Either way, I don't need the distraction. Good thing I'm an expert at blending in with the scenery!

Tonight I've had some admin in from Command. Most of it fairly routine; but I get the feeling they want to know exactly what I'm doing. Thank God no one has asked me to justify anything yet, the Major must be taking some of the heat I guess.

**Thursday, January 10th 2013:**

It was another early start this morning, trying to make the most of the daylight. Finished off the carpentry listings and then concentrated on visiting the construction sites. Most of them thought I was looking for work, not a missing BSAA Captain. It was seeing the damaged homes that got through to me. Clothes and belongings scattered around the damaged and destroyed houses. Kid's toys lying in the streets, abandoned pets skulking in the rubble. I've never really looked at it so up-close and personal. We soldiers move through a combat zone, we don't often go back afterwards; to see what's left. It was painful. The big BOWs have caused a lot of damage, aside from the conventional fighting. Every site I visited I wanted to stay and help. You would have done, you'd have had Alpha working there too. It was hard for me to walk away; but you're more than just a Captain in the BSAA. You're _the_ Captain, _the_ Christopher Redfield. Finding you means this might not happen again somewhere else. You're not just important to me; though you are and that's something else we must talk about. You're important on a much bigger scale, the world stage. Seeing these ruins brings it home. The Doctor in the military hospital said PTA was often the result of running away from guilt or regret. That's why I find it hard to understand; you've got nothing to be ashamed off as far as I'm concerned. Unless it's the image itself you're running from? If it is please tell me Chris; let me help you carry the burden. Jeez, there's so much we need to discuss, you and I.....

**Friday, January 11th 2013:**

No entry, see Saturday.

**Saturday, January 12th 2013:**

Sorry I didn't talk yesterday, let me explain. In the morning I checked out the furniture makers who'd been closed earlier in the week. Then around lunchtime there was a call from Stefan......His team had been pursuing some mercenaries about ten kilometers east of the city; they'd come across a body in the river. Male, your size and coloring, but no positive id. He looked like he’d been in a fight with a Napad.....and lost! Would I like to go to the hospital morgue and check it out?

All the way there I kept telling myself, "It's not Chris, it's not Chris." I couldn't tell from what was left of the head. Short brown hair, one brown eye hanging out; one half of the face had been ripped off, and the right arm. But there were no scars on his remaining arm, unlike yours. Just some fresh wounds. My stomach turned over. As they pulled the sheet down I saw he was uncut. That confirmed it. "It's not Captain Redfield." I managed to say before I threw up. Not because of the state of the body, we've seen far worse in our time; but from the sheer relief that it wasn't you. I threw up again when I got back to my room. It's harder than I thought Captain, this constant rollercoaster ride of emotions. You've become such a part of me; I hadn't realized quite how much. Where the fuck are you Chris? Just a little sign for both our sakes, please?

So....that was my Friday, I hope yours was better!

Today (Saturday) I printed some more posters then took myself off to a soup kitchen on the eastern side of town, not far from the hospital. They were grateful to have a volunteer. So three hours of prepping, serving and washing-up later I signed up for weekends. We do a really nice mutton stew, ha ha ha! My hands are raw; but it was a kind of relief, almost relaxing, after yesterday. Mom said if I was to find you I had to look after myself first, she was right.....she usually is! Goodnight Chris.

**Sunday, January 13th 2013:**

Church first thing this morning, then straight down to the soup kitchen. When I'm not serving, I have to find excuses to leave the kitchen and check the customers out. The charity that runs it knows I'm looking for you, but the customers don't. Some get a bit defensive if I stare, but I know how you carry yourself - quietly, confidently and surprisingly lightly for a big guy, Ha ha! Generally I try and blend in and observe from a distance. Sounds familiar? Good thing all that training hasn't been wasted.

Felt more upbeat about things today; you can probably tell. The church service seems to put me in a calmer frame of mind. And, big big plus, the guys came back from furlough this afternoon. I went to pick them up myself. Ben was looking very proud and smart, wearing his new stripes. Wish Finn had his medal too, but those wheels in Washington grind more slowly I suppose. It's gonna' be such a surprise for him. And we have a new team member! A young 2nd Lieutenant fresh out of training with Echo Team was also on the flight, one David Johansson. Seems a decent enough guy; a bit fazed by suddenly finding himself on Alpha and at the sharp end. I'm gonna' put him on point, under Andy's care and protection for the time being. So he'll soon be a gambling, chain smoking, sex maniac then. Did you just say Ha!? I'm best placed staying as our team marksman I think. Hope you agree.

We were all enjoying a quiet drink when I got a call to go to the Comms Center. It was Command. With the return of the guys they've now officially appointed me as Alpha Team Leader. That probably explains why they were keeping tabs on me earlier. You're a tough act to follow Captain, and I wish it hadn't happened in this way. I don't feel I deserve it and I don't know if I'm ready. I don't actually know if I want the responsibility......I'd rather find you.

I'm torn Chris; you are Alpha, and the BSAA, as far as I'm concerned, you know that. Finding you helps the organization, the guys......and me. No one gets left behind, you've always said it. So I don't know if I can give up my search for you; it's gotten too personal now. But what are the alternatives? Can I disobey the BSAA? Can I leave it? I think you'd tell me not to give it up, but you don't know I love you do you? Damnit Chris, where the hell are you? Come back to us!

**Monday, January 14th 2013:**

It's morning at last, after another sleepless night. I spent it going through all the arguments for and against leaving the BSAA in my mind. The guys want to find you, you mean so much to them and I know they'd help me. But they're here for a reason, there's a job to do, and that applies to me too. We're here to help the Edonian people, protect the weak and support the legitimate army. I can't do that by declining to lead Alpha Team.......can I? Jeez, it's like my critical decision making is paralyzed without you. If I'm your right hand, who's mine?

Lunchtime. Organized some PT to get the boys back into shape after their break this morning and to take our minds off things. Andy grumbled, as usual. I told him to suck it up or he wouldn't get to play with our shiny new 2nd Lieutenant; he'd have me to accompany him on point instead. Do you know he rolled his eyes, the cheeky bastard! Meanwhile Carl kept going up to Ben and saying, "Yes Corporal, no Corporal. Can I carry your kit Corporal; take a bullet for you Corporal?" Ha, ha, ha! Finn was in stitches, and so was I. Jeez, I needed a laugh. Dave seems totally bemused by all our banter, it's a shock after the formality on Echo I guess. He hasn't learnt Alpha's 'family values' yet......he will. Just like you taught me, remember?

Another call from Command after lunch. This time from Major Valentine herself. It was a 'head's-up' call. Looks like we're gonna' be back in the field pretty soon. Intelligence suggests the ELA may have left sleeper cells everywhere and that they're being re-supplied with all sorts of shit by Neo Umbrella. We're now on 24 hours standby.

I mentioned my thoughts concerning you, about wanting to continue my search. Talk about the Devil's advocate! She said I had two options. Either to carry out my orders as given, and, as and when operations permit, use the agents and facilities of the BSAA to continue searching. Or to resign my commission with immediate effect and conduct a search alone, unaided, unarmed and un-employed in a country at war with itself. I've cleaned that up a little......well Ok, a lot. Put that way it wasn't much of a choice. Her clarity, and, um, her language were most convincing! So ATL it is. When I told her my decision she just said "Good boy." then ended the call. Shit! She scare's the hell out of me Chris! I'm glad the Major's on our side. You two must have been one helluva' team!

We all went down to help out at the soup kitchen in the late afternoon. The guys insisted they join me and Finn insisted on checking everyone as they entered the hall to see if it was you. We had to drag him away from the door in the end. He kept talking to people, discussing their life histories......and his of course. All the while holding up the rest of the hungry and homeless. He has a way with words that rookie of ours, must be the Irish in him. At the end of the shift I had to say my goodbyes.....duty calls and all that. Although I'd only been helping out for a short while, I felt I'd been accepted ya' know? All the volunteers understand what loss and loneliness is like.......Oh dear...shit.....

.....Back again, had to open your cologne. Jeez, I'm such a sad fuck!

Um, where was I? Oh, yeh, the soup kitchen. Looks like the offer of free mutton stew is off the table for a while. I hope you're eating properly wherever you are Captain, keeping that ol' furnace of yours stoked. Perhaps I should search for reports of chicken and egg thefts? No wonder your personal records are so highly classified. He, he! Stay safe, don't be alone.

**Tuesday, 15th January 2013:**

Up early, took the guys on a run first thing. Around the base perimeter, like you do back home, then breakfast. Ben and Dave set the pace, bit of friendly rivalry there perhaps? No bad thing. Andy and Carl gossiping in the middle as usual with Finn and me bringing up the rear. Missed seeing your cute.....um, yeh, (blush) you in front!

We spent the rest of the morning checking our gear, making sure we're ready to roll. There's an uneasy calm just at the moment. I feel the shit is just about to hit the fan. My snipey senses are tingling......Er, sorry, blame Carl for the new catchphrase!

I've heard nothing from Ana or Marko for the last few days; I think they must have their hands full if our Intel is to be believed. Pavel has been pushing your details further afield with the civil police. The lull in the fighting has allowed some phone lines to be repaired, so the outlying police stations are now being brought up to speed on your disappearance which is good news.

All the other SOU's know about you being missing now. Word has got around and 'rumor control' is in full-flow, so Andy is in his element! I think Command must have hushed things up to start with. More bad news on top of our initial losses would have hit morale that first week. I've managed to liaise with many of the European and NAB Team Leaders here since then. The word will quickly spread to the other branches elsewhere. Finding you is now on everyone's agenda; and of course I now realize that I'm not alone at all. I'm just obsessive, compulsive, focused....well, a bit.

We've just been brought up to 2 hours notice, so I'm off to tell the guys and make sure they're ready to go. Might be busy for a while Captain. Not sure if I'll be able to keep this log updated everyday during combat, but we'll talk later, don't go away!

**Wednesday, 16th January - Thursday, 17th January:**

No entries, see Friday.

**Friday, 18th January 2013:**

Phew! Apologies for the delay Captain, things are kinda' busy right now. We're on Ops, somewhere north of Edonia City. Everyone's safe, don't worry, but it's been kinda' challenging at times over the last few days.

We encountered some new J'avo variants on Wednesday. Command wanted as much Intel on them as possible and then, yesterday. Research got involved. They want samples of these new types for testing and analysis. I just want them dead! It's difficult with J'avo, if they don't die outright they mutate, and usually into something worse! Anyway we're now working a lot more closely with the clean-up teams as a result. They're having to operate right in the combat zone, something they wouldn't do normally. And to be honest they're slowing us down cos' we now have to look out for them as well as ourselves. I'm getting some tactical recommendations about it off to Command whilst the men get their chow. Gotta' go now Captain.....I miss you.

**Saturday, January 19th 2013:**

We lost half a clean-up team today. Four good BSAA men. It should never have happened. Every life counts in this dirty little war, including our own guys. Command shouldn't have authorized their operation and I should have stopped them landing. But they think they're taking a stroll in the park whilst we're still in offensive mode. It was a recipe for disaster.....what a cluster fuck! We're all to blame. I talked to their 2nd Lt afterwards. He's just a young snot. His leader was one of those killed and now he's their ATL; but he doesn't know his ass from his elbow poor kid, he was still in shock. I tried to reassure him, told him that with immediate effect we're gonna' implement my recommendations. Fuck Command, we're just gonna' do it. I'll talk to the helicopter crews too. The clean-up guys need to come in like they're on a combat insertion; and we have to be in a defensive posture. End of! I'm so angry. Dammit Captain, we need you right now! I don't have your pull with the high-ups. I never thought you'd be gone this long, throw me a bone huh? Something, anything for fuck's sake! Just a hint that you're safe and well. It's all I want....what we all want......

**Sunday, January 20th 2013:**

It's been eerily calm today. Everyone's catching their breath, I guess......Forgive me Chris, I shouldn't have taken it out on you yesterday. I was just letting off steam; you know how pissy I get when things don't go my way. And yesterday boy was I pissed off! With you, with the whole world, but mostly with myself of course. I set myself goals and when I don't reach them I feel so worthless. I don't have that innate self-confidence you have; not really, not deep-down.

I can see you smiling right now. Your comforting image helps gets me through times like this. Captain Ellis said I'd either be your voice of conscience, a pain in the ass, or both. Yep, I found _that_ memo; tidying-up your office for you once, not long after I joined. He wasn't far wrong was he? But I think it's you who's the voice of my conscience. I need to rely on that voice more. When I think "What would the Captain do?" I hear you talking, trying to guide me through. Jeez Chris, you've left such a big hole to fill.

Truth is of course I'm missing you....because....because I love you. Might not have written that in a while, but you sure as hell can take it as read. And I have the feeling you like me too....sort of! It's the one hope that keeps me going. That, and my unshakeable belief that you'll be found soon. There's so much I want to tell you now; things I should have told you before. But some things take more courage than staring down the barrel of a gun don't they?

Just get that cute butt back here ASAP will you......and when this tour is over, let me do the talking huh? And promise me you'll listen! And if you don't like....aren't inclined.....well, you know, at least you'll be back where you belong.....Oh Fuck! Sorry, this is getting embarrassing......Goodnight Chris, take care.

**Monday, January 21st 2013:**

Another fire-fight today and we encountered yet another new J'avo variant. Ben and Carl slotted one each. Command ordered the clean-up team in straight away, but I assumed local command and did it my way, without any losses this time thank God. I got a thumbs-up from the young kid as they departed, so job done. Sorry, gotta' crack on with my combat reports. Command seems to want more detail every time.....Ugh!

**Tuesday, January 22nd 2013:**

We're moving out of our current FOB, heading north, that's all we know. I'll write more as and when I can Captain.

**Wednesday, January 23rd 2013:**

We've moved about 20 clicks north, along a route opened up by the Edonian Army. They only met with mercenaries; I think the ELA are saving the BOWs up for us, bastards!

We're currently billeted in an abandoned school. The building is self-contained and defensible, with enough room to land a bird in the playground if required, sweet! And it beats living under canvas. I wonder what you're living in Captain? Have you built yourself a log cabin? Maybe found a warm cave somewhere? Or a hen house perhaps? Ha, ha, ha!

Shit! That sounds like.....

**Thursday, January 24th 2013:**

It was, incoming. Wow, our Edonian Army minders sure earned their pay last night! We joined in of course. It was an ELA assault unit, no BOWs as far as we know. I slotted a couple of their officers, about a click away, the others lost purpose after that. The army guys wanted to pursue, but Dave ordered them to stay put. "You don't leave a defensible position, at night, especially when you don't have night-vision gear." Textbook, our new kid's settling in well, you'll like him.

The army sent out a recce team at first light. I went with them; I knew where my slots went down. One was a known mercenary, Edonian. The other unidentified as yet, possibly a Neo Umbrella agent. We were lucky not to meet any BOWs last night I reckon.

The Edonian Army has told us to hold our position for now. There's a loose front moving north, they're trying to get us all in line I suppose. So time for a shower and then a shave....Yeh, Ok, Ok, I know I don't need to shave!.....Then check and clean our weapons and replenish our supplies. We'll be on the move again soon enough I'm sure. Take care Chris, and don't worry, the boys are doing fine. But we miss you and that reassuring smile you always have for us when times are tough. Who's looking after your six now I wonder?

**Friday, January 25th 2013:**

Good morning Captain, how are you today? A bird came in last night, our friends the clean-up team again. Seems my second slot was a Neo Umbrella agent after all. So Command are expecting BOWs close by and Research want in on the action as soon as it happens.

I got the young clean-up ATL, his name's Jack, and the two helicopter pilots together. We discussed my new tactics and agreed we'd stick with them, couple of comms procedures to standardize, but otherwise we're sorted.

It's evening. We're on standby to move ASAP, just gonna' check the guys are good to go. Keep safe Chris, I'll chat more when I can.

**Saturday, January 26th 2013:**

Fuck, what a day! Where do I begin? We moved out at dawn and within an hour had been engaged by a group of BOWs; J'avo and Napads. We took out some J'avo from a distance to blunt their attack, then left the army guys to dig-in whilst Alpha moved to get in behind the BOWs. We've found it's no good tackling Napads head-on, they're too heavily armored in front. But they are vulnerable from the rear, especially between and under the shoulders. Andy and Dave had a close stand-off with one, till Finn put an RPG up the Napad's chuff! You should have seen him grin! Er, Finn I mean, not the Napad....Ha!

We pulled back to the school later. Seems like Bravo hit some problems west of us, so the advance is paused for now. Hope they're Ok, Captain Ellis will see them through I'm sure. He's cut from the stone as you....or should that be a boulder? Ha, ha! Um....sorry....it probably wasn't funny at the time. Andy and Finn are busy trying to scrounge some more RPGs from the army guys. I daren't ask what they're trading in return, but I haven't seen our 2nd Lt for a while......He's not quite as shiny as he was when he arrived; combat takes the shine off everything, even military humor.

Talking of rockets I got a call from Command late afternoon. I suppose they'd just woken up in Washington.......They said my recovery tactics were 'Not approved for use'. That they had 'Yet to be fully evaluated and authorized'. I said WTF! Then I told them they worked just fine in the field, and added something like get off your fat Washington asses and support, don't hinder, the SOUs and Clean-Up Teams. And for good measure I asked where the hell the feedback from Research on the earlier J’avo samples was? I told him people had been killed getting those samples and we needed the feedback on vulnerabilities and weak-spots fucking now, not next week. I said you owe it to the men who gave their lives and to us. Then I slammed the receiver down on him. 10 minutes later there was a call from Major Valentine! I quote.....

"One of my colleagues has apparently just had his ass shredded by the Alpha Team Leader. Have you found Captain Redfield then?"

'No Ma'am, it was me.' I replied.

There was a pause then she used that phrase again "Good boy. I'm on the Research case, I agree, their analysis has got to be timelier."

So I told her I thought Alpha would probably be rotated soon, and that the recovery tactics also needed to be approved and promulgated ASAP.

She said, 'I agree on that too. Report your latest findings immediately and leave it with me. Carry on Alpha One."

I said 'Excuse me Ma'am, that call sign’s already allocated, to Captain Redfield.'

She laughed! Would you believe it, the Major! So then she said, "As you wish, Alpha Two, Command out."

So there you go Captain. Alpha Team's up to strength, willing and able, your call sign’s waiting to be used and your right hand is on friendly terms with your old partner. There's only one thing missing from the equation......

**Sunday, January 27th 2013:**

Another busy day. We started moving north again, and then met an armored patrol, turned out to be J'avo, although we didn't know it at the time! First time we've seen them operating on their own. The J'avo were in a couple of old Soviet BRDM-2's. You know, like a wheeled APC. They might have been old, but they had sharp teeth. A turreted 14.5 mm heavy machine gun each. The army guys took some casualties initially and the advance was in danger of being held up. But I remembered BRDMs are vulnerable from the rear, like a Napad, Ha! So whilst the Edonian Army held them at bay I split Alpha into two sections and we crawled past in the ditches either side of the road. I left the guys about 200 meters behind the APCs and carried on for a further 300 meters, then put a couple of Mk 211 multipurpose rounds into the rear of the vehicles with Tophie. It was enough to stop them briefly, and one began to smoke. At which point Andy and Carl put an RPG into the rear of each vehicle, whilst the others laid down some smoke grenades for cover.

Both APCs brewed up and the J'avo bailed out. It was only then we realized what we were dealing with. The escape hatches on the BRDM are at the front; a design flaw and a bad idea with the Edonian Army facing of you. I re-grouped Alpha and we joined the party, cutting off the J'avo’s retreat. Result! I'm really stoked! Old surfin' slang, I'll explain later. We'll catch a wave one day Chris, I think you'd like it, I can see you in flip-flops and baggies....

We're bivouacked up for the night, small copse on the edge of farmland I guess, it's flat anyway. Just gonna' get my combat reports off, Command want more detail on the J’avo’s operations today. Then time to grab some shut-eye before my stint on-watch.

Oh, Tophie is what I call my AMR by the way......um, after....er, sorry Captain, gotta' go now, my turn to use the radio. Sleep tight.

**Monday, January 28th 2013:**

We moved out a couple of hours before dawn, trying to push through the ELA's forward line by surprise. It was going well until we met with a whole bunch of Napads. We couldn't flank them and got bogged down. They seemed to be playing a waiting game. Fortunately Bravo came to our rescue and got behind them. I told Captain Ellis about their weak spots and where to hit the bastards. As the Napads turned we could get some hits in too, good old Tophie! Then Command came up and said we had one large bogey heading our way. An Ogroman. That's why the Napads had been holding us up, waiting for it to arrive. I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing something that big, so horrifyingly grotesque. Command's Intel was as accurate as ever for a second one came charging out of a wood with no warning. Nothing was having much effect on them, then Finn shouted "Aim for its mouth, its feckin' mouth!" In the heat of battle I remember thinking 'Oh, I've never heard our rookie swear before.' surreal. Thank God Finn was right. The mouth isn't a killing spot, but it seems to hurt and stun them. We got within a hundred meters and used up all our remaining RPGs on them. They didn't all connect, but it kept them weakened. Bravo was keeping the remaining Napads off our backs and we were able to withdraw. Then Captain Ellis called in the Air Support Platoon guys for an air strike; whilst we kept the Ogromen under fire. It seemed like ages, but the birds came in a few minutes. I called Bravo One and told him to direct the helicopter's fire at the Ogromen's heads. Some fireworks display! They both exploded into lumps of grey bio-mass, and the smell! Definitely toxic, a couple of Army guys went in to inspect the remains and passed out. We've never seen an Ogroman destroyed before, more info for Research. Jeez Chris, it was hairy for a while....you'd have loved it!

We've pitched tents alongside Bravo tonight. It's nice to see some familiar faces. Captain Ellis told me that it was Command's plan all along, to use us as bait to get the Ogromen out into the open for an air strike. Nice of them to tell us! The team's bedded down, pat on the head for Finn. I said you'd be so proud of him, you should have seen his face light up! That silly grin he has. He's a good kid, just different to what I'm used to I suppose, whatever that is! Gosh, I'm tired. Sweet dreams Chris, stay safe for all our sakes.

**Tuesday, January 29th 2013:**

We continued our push north, more contact with the ELA and some J'avo. They don't seem as confident as they have been. I think they expected the Ogromen to stop us, and now they're falling back rather than staying to fight; re-grouping probably. I hoped we'd stay with Bravo. I enjoyed talking with Rob Ellis last night, he's got a really dry sense of humor, he says outrageous things with such a deadpan face. Dave and Finn were hanging on every word, he reeled 'em in hook, line and sinker, ha ha! He's worried about you though, privately. He gave me some much needed encouragement. Unfortunately they headed back west of us. Bravo and Alpha are being rotated tomorrow and we have to be in position to meet up and handover to our relief SOUs. Take care Chris, Rob says get your sorry ass back in the field.

**Wednesday, January 30th 2013:**

We made our handover, to the European Branch Charlie Team. I passed whatever Intel I could to their Captain, and advised him to find a supply of RPGs. I must mention that to Command as well. We flew back to the Army base outside Edonia city in a big Wokka in the afternoon. I insisted we check and clean our gear first. Andy gave me that weary 'old Sergeant' look. I said 'What would the Captain say?' He said 'Nothing, he'd get you to say it.' 'Well there you go then Andy, I've said it!' Ha! I've tasked Dave to give me a status report on all our combat equipment, defects, requirements. I want us to be fully prepared next time out. Then we all hit the sack. I told the boys they could have a lie-in tomorrow morning, with a de-brief at 12:00.

**Thursday, January 31st 2013:**

I slept through my alarm! I never sleep through my alarm!! It must be faulty! Good job Dave checked on me, he thought it was strange I was missing from breakfast. Oh, the joy of real food after combat rations, divine!

After our de-brief, I dismissed the guys. We're on 72 hours notice. I think they’re all staying to help me search, aren’t they fantastic? But first some time for personal admin, calls home, to clean and repair their kit. I'm doing mine now, in between writing this.

I've spoken to Claire again, she's OK, she’s been busy lobbying in Asia.  We had a long, 'private' chat. It's funny; I think she'd already guessed how I feel about you. Anyway, she knows now and she's really Ok with it, says someone has to tame you!? Not quite sure what she means. I also spoke to Mom, told her I'm not coming home till you're found, she understands, said we were in her thoughts and prayers.

You'll never guess who I had a message from? Your old partner, Agent Alomar from the West African Branch. It was so sweet and totally unexpected. Here's what she said:

_"I was very sad to hear of Chris' recent disappearance. He was such a large part of the BSAA, and he was a very important person to me, as well. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. The BSAA West African Branch is always here for your support."_

Wow! She obviously cares for you a lot, you must have made quite an impression....I can relate to that. So kind and so sweet. It's comforting to know we're not alone, huh? I'll consider her offer very carefully; I don't know how much longer Major Valentine will be able to support me. So it's time to take stock - you’ve been gone more than a month now. It's as much about finding you for me as for BSAA now. The truth? You've always been the one for me, since we first met. I'm not whole without you Chris...simple. Claire and Mom are the only one's who know. So it's still sort'a secret. I don't know if the guys have guessed, I'm pretty obsessed about finding you, perhaps they think it's from a strong sense of duty. What would you say, how would you react? I promise you're next on my list to tell, with Claire on my side, I'll feel a little more confident doing that. She knows you better than anyone right?

The boys are insisting I join them for a drink tonight. You know how they love to wind down after Ops with their Captain buying the beers. I guess that dubious responsibility is mine now. They're missing you too, reckon I've gotta step up to the mark, try and be the leader they deserve. They're also worried I'm getting too stressed, not relaxing enough. They're probably right......

.......Just got back from some ~~place~~ where. Argh! My head hurts!!! You know I've been thinking about what Agent Sheva said. I've got a plan.....well, it's just an idea really......but it'll do as a plan.......OMG! I'm beginning to sound exactly like you. Ha, ha, ha! Goodnight Chris ~~ss~~ , Alpha's is coming for you!

.......The plan? Oh, that's a ~~shh~~ secret. All the best plans are secret, that way if they go ~~tits'up~~ wrong no one else knows, he, he. You taught me that Captain.....Ok, I'm a little bit drink.


	3. February 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cracks begin to show in Piers' usually cool and calm façade and he winds up in the sick-bay. Fortunately Jill Valentine can read between the lines and gives him a brief respite. However, combat operations continue to frustrate Piers' search. Meanwhile Ben Airhart loses his voice and Andy Walker uses his fingers. Two months after Chris Redfield went missing, Piers renews his vow to find him.

**Analog**

**A personal record by Lt P. Nivans, Alpha Team SOU, BSAA NAB**

**Friday, February 1st 2013:**

Ugh! I'm never drinking again Captain, my snipey senses are totally wasted! Flat on their back with all 8 legs in the air! When I started to feel full-up with beer last night I bought everyone a round of Rakija. D'oh! It's like I'd left my brains in my room. And once again my alarm failed to work this morning.....I think it must be the buzzer...I never over-sleep! It was gone 10:00 when Dave came to wake me. A thundering noise on the door...'Sir, Lieutenant, er, Captain Nivans, um, ATL Sir...are you awake yet?' Can't he just say Piers, quietly? A late breakfast sorted me out.

We all went into the city afterwards, to continue the search. We split into teams, just like we do when we're running.....so Andy and Dave did the round of hotels....which was possibly a mistake come to think of it, ha ha! Ben and Carl did the construction sites and Finn and I did the lumber yards. We all met up at the little cafe where I met Ana and the others.....Which reminds me I must touch base with them tomorrow. I haven't heard anything from them in a while.

The renewed fighting to the north has pushed some new refugees into the city, but there were no sightings of you. I'm feeling pretty down; even Finn had trouble keeping my spirits up. Andy took me to one side in the cafe. Without being explicit, he said they all understood. He said the guys had realized the search had gotten 'personal' for me. Simply that, but he put his arm on my shoulder and gave me that same look of respect he normally reserves for you. He said they wanted you back too and would support me whatever I did. They would always look after my six. Have you ever teared-up in front of your team? Next thing I was under a mass of arms and hugs; which is when I really started crying. Oh Chris, how can I ever be as good a Captain as you?

Tonight we had a brainstorming session, about where you might have gone when you left the hospital, and what you might be doing now. Funny how 5 people that know you have such different ideas about what you might do. Since he doesn't really know you; we got Dave to write the ideas down as they came on a white board. However, the consensus was that you'd have gone in a line, literally. When you walked out of the hospital you would have just followed the road and kept going; away from the hospital and the city. Well, as you would say, it's a plan. So we're gonna' concentrate on visiting the villages running east along that road. But first, since I've got the guys here, we're gonna' finish checking the rest of the hotels and local police stations in the city.

**Saturday, February 2nd 2013:**

Today my alarm decided to work, so I was up bright and early! It was a busy day! But with 6 pairs of feet on the ground now we managed to cover a hell of a lot more then I would on my own. We all had copies of your 'wanted' poster to hand out. Finn's even put one up in the barrack room, ha ha!

I managed to talk to Petar, the policeman. Told him about our plans and he's alerted the police units along the route to expect us. We'll be traveling armed in the jeep given the current fighting; with Army authorizations. But it will help to have civil police permits too. Pavel got the paperwork together and handed it over when we met in the evening for a meal. He's a strange guy, very jealous over Ana. To be honest I get the feeling he'll be happier when the BSAA has packed-up and gone home. Good thing is it's in his interest that we find you, the sooner we do that the sooner we can all go home. Goodnight Chris, stay frosty!

**Sunday, February 3rd 2013:**

Today was meant to be a quiet day; getting prepared for our search tomorrow. It started quiet, Finn and I went to the little church before breakfast. It's the only time my mind seems to relax and quieten down. Finn was pretty quiet too, unusually so for him. I think he was keeping me company whilst the others planned their surprise. Unknown to me, Dave and Andy had set up a demonstration of melee fighting techniques for the Edonian Army guys. Arranged sometime during our night out apparently; no one told me, I'm just the ATL.

It went really well, like one of your combat training sessions, but in slower time. We all took part, demonstrating one-on-one, one-on-many and many-on many scenarios. The army guys were certainly impressed, they burst into applause whenever someone did a back-flip. You'd have loved it. Their PTIs were very interested in learning and teaching all the moves. If they continue to come up against more BOWs in combat it will be a valuable skill.

After lunch we started putting everything together for tomorrow's trip. I had to rein Andy in from having another drinking session. Today was fun, good for the guys to show-off a bit. But I'm keen to get back on our search. It doesn't seem right to me, having fun whilst you're still missing. I've probably told you before, don't go away Captain, we're on our way.

**Monday, February 4th 2013:**

Fueled-up and tooled-up, Alpha hit the road at first light. It was like going back on Ops! We kept the Army informed of our progress by radio and so got waived through the queues at the various check-points in and around the capital. We all had a job. Andy drove, Ben and Carl kept lookout, Finn handled the radio and Dave read the map.....good practice for him. And me? I sat and prayed that this time we'd find you.

We developed a routine after the first couple of villages. Calling in at the local police station or administrative office first to get a local listing for accommodation, places where they might be hiring laborers and then cafes and bars. Andy thinks you might be drinking. He's known you the longest. It would fit, it's a typical method of coping with PTA. But to do that you'd need money, and to have money you'd either have to be working.......or stealing. Everything's so inter-related, it's hard not to go round in circles. That was my job I guess, maintaining the focus of the search.

We were gonna' go back to the army base this evening. But Finn talked a farmer into letting us stay in his barn overnight. He must have that Irish talking thing, the Blarney I think they call it. So more bread and rakija for supper! That stuff is gonna' haunt me! Anyway, by stopping here tonight we can travel even further east tomorrow. By the way, did you know that horses snore? Wish it was your snoring I could hear. Take care Captain.

**Tuesday, February 5th 2013:**

We covered another 5 villages today, but in the early afternoon we were called-up by the Edonian Army. They said the weather forecast was looking bad, plus there were reports of ELA and J'avo units ahead of us. Then they said a strange thing. They said they didn't want to lose a precious resource, especially the 'famous Alpha unit'.....that they couldn't afford to lose yet another BSAA team. I wonder what they meant? Command haven't said anything about this.

I can't tell you how disappointed we all feel today. We had such high hopes for this new search. This latest news has just made it worse. Wherever you are, I hope you're warm and safe Captain.

**Wednesday, February 6th 2013:**

It snowed heavily last night. This morning the Army was looking for volunteers to help dig out some nearby villages. Supply them with provisions and take some of the elderly and sick into care on the base. We immediately offered to help. How could we not? These poor people are relying on us. They came out of their little houses with cakes and coffee, then bread and rakija. Most were so thankful. But the old folk were so pitiful, they just looked dazed. Frightened of the snow, of the uniforms, of being moved......Oh fuck....

It's snowing again as I write......it hurts you know, the snow....to look at. It's so pure it dazzles the eyes. It doesn't look evil, yet it's so cold......and empty.....so very empty...

**Thursday - Friday, February 7-8th 2013:**

No entries.

**Saturday, February 9th 2013:**

Hi Captain......um, sorry for the delay.......I've.....well, I've been in hospital. Not a proper hospital. It’s more like a sick-bay they have here on the base. I'm Ok, don't worry! It was a fuss over nothing really, honest.

Let me explain.....On Thursday we went back on snow-clearing work, a nearby village had been cut-off. We were shoveling our way through a big drift, I remember that. I remember thinking you might be inside it. Next thing I woke up in the infirmary yesterday. Apparently the guys noticed I was missing and they found me tunneling in the snow and, um, well I was attacking it apparently. Calling out your name, looking for you. What a dork, huh? Dave got me back to the base. The Docs sedated me and put me on drips, said I was suffering from severe exhaustion. I think it was just snow blindness, or hypothermia, something like that. You remember how I hate the cold. Ha! Dave had to tell Command because Major Valentine wanted to speak to me. He said it was only mild hypothermia, didn't want them asking too many questions. I slept for the first 24 hours and felt fine when I woke up; but they insisted on keeping me in another day. Just being careful I guess. You know what Doctors are like.

I had a call from the Major this afternoon. She said Alpha was meant to be on 24 hours standby by now, but in view of 'recent events' we'd been put back to 72 hours notice. I asked her what events she meant. She said something like "Don't get cute Nivans, you and I both know what I mean....hypothermia my ass! You can't become Captain Fantastic over night, pace yourself Piers. That's an order! Now, you're going to a BSAA planning session on Monday, as my personal representative. It's in Paris. I'll send you some information; you can read it on the flight tomorrow." What about Alpha I asked. Can they carry on the search? "Not this time Piers, I'd like them to do something more connected with our primary mission." I must have sounded disappointed. "Don't sigh Nivans, and don't sit there scratching your head like Redfield does." How does she know these things? I told her about the Edonian Army's response to our melee moves demonstration. "Good Boy! Excellent idea. Get the men to set up some formal training classes, make it so Alpha Two." And then she was gone and I'm sat there holding the phone, scratching my head, and wondering what the hell just happened.

So there you go Chris, tomorrow night I'll be in Paris....though it might just as well be the moon or a desert island for all I care. Even the City of Love will be a lonely place without you.

**Sunday, February 10th 2013:**

I'm sat in my hotel room. It's surreal after Edonia. My first time away since you've been missing, and such a pull on my emotions. I felt like I was abandoning you as we lifted off.....um, sorry....it's cologne time......Damn! I'm running out. Goodnight Chris, stay safe.

**Monday, February 11th 2013:**

Jeez, what a day! How do you cope with all the politics Captain! I thought the meeting was about how to win the war in Edonia, not about scoring points. The Brits were pissed off because the meeting was in Paris not London. The French didn't know why the Americans needed to be involved in a 'European' matter. The Americans said the European strategy was bad. I just sat there wishing I was back looking for you. It was only in the afternoon I felt of any use. We talked tactics, not politics, and our new Clean-Up Team procedures were praised. There was a lot of talk about the J'avos we've come up against. They've obviously been giving Command a headache. Apparently it was a European SOU, their Delta Team that was lost early on. They didn't recognize the new threat until it was too late, poor sods. With Alpha's recent experiences I was able to give them a more accurate update from a boots-on-the-ground POV. I also said we needed a supply of RPGs. We came out here in such a hurry we weren't adequately provisioned. And I explained how successful they had been in combat. They said they'd "look into it." Christ! Some of these guys need to get out from behind their desks and back into the field more often.

Before the meeting closed I asked why the BSAA hadn't instigated a TV and Press campaign in Edonia concerning your disappearance. They said it wasn't BSAA or UN policy. WTF??? So I made a request, during any other business. That secret plan I had the other week, after the communication from Agent Alomar? I reported that we were still continuing our local search for you, but that it was difficult to maintain during operations. I said that given your importance to the BSAA, was it be possible for all branches to provide just one agent each to help keep-up the search? I don't think the General had been expecting it, he huffed and puffed, said it was a North America Branch problem, not an operational matter. I told him that as Major Valentine's personal representative I offered my own services on behalf of the NAB, and that you deserved more from the entire BSAA. He conferred with his staff and I think he was about to say no. But the attendees from the other 7 BSAA Branches all supported me; and so it was accepted as an action to be considered higher up. Fuck it! Finding their best Captain, a founder for God's sake, and they have to argue over it! Politics sucks, I don't know how you stand it Chris........Sorry, rant over!

That's all for now, at least I've got them thinking about you. My mind's racing, I should probably take one of those tablets they prescribed me in the infirmary, but I seem to have left them behind in Edonia....... _C'est la vie_ , as the locals say. Honestly, I'm looking forward to getting back to Edonia, to the guys, and finding you. One good thing about being here though; I'll get a darned good steak dinner tonight. Ha, ha!

**Tuesday, February 12th 2013:**

_Bonjour mon Capitaine. Comment vas tu? Où es tu?_ And that's about all my French. Oh, and ordering a medium-rare steak, Ha! Just got my report on yesterday’s meeting off to Major Valentine. Then it's head out to the airport and back to Edonia.....and you. It felt so weird, leaving Edonia.....leaving you.....the other day. I suppose I might have to get used to it; but I don't want to, you know?

Arrived late afternoon, laden down. I bought a load of casual clothes, cos' I didn't have much when we first came here. Some good quality stuff, winter gear....warm. But Jeez, the prices! Claire would love the shopping here, but you? I'm not sure cities are your natural environment, you're more a woods and mountains man I reckon. I also bought a load of new Country music for my music player. I don't think they've ever heard of Country here in Edonia, but it's surprisingly popular in France....go figure! And something else, in the tax-free shop at the airport. Guess what? Your cologne, Reaction. I've just about emptied your bottle now, ha ha! Um, does that sound like I had a good time? I didn't mean to.....sorry Chris......you're always in my thoughts, every waking hour, every dream......every nightmare.....Oh shit...

**Wednesday, February 13th 2013:**

Hi Chris, another busy day. With my return we're back on 24 hr notice. Time to check my gear....again.....and clean Tophie. No more news on you. The boys have been busy with their instruction classes, but they found time to hand out some 'missing' posters to people in the hospital area...they're so wonderful.

I had another call from Major Valentine this afternoon, I think I must be top of her 'to-do' list when she gets in to work, Ha! She'd read my report, seemed satisfied. Then she said "You volunteered your services eh?......Nice try Nivans, but you remain ATL until we find Chris......Listen, people are talking about you Piers, you're doing a good job. You're not Chris, but then one's enough for any organization." She laughed, sounded just like my Mom. Then "Just a word of warning, don't ruffle the General's feathers too much.......We have a news blackout on Chris' disappearance for a reason Piers......It doesn't do to tell the world you've mislaid your best soldier. It makes the BSAA look incompetent and boosts our enemies' morale. Understood?" Yes Ma'am. "Good boy.....Now heads-up, you'll be going to 2 hours notice tonight. We have arranged a local purchase of RPGs from the Edonian Army, whilst we sort out a long-term solution. Speak to their Captain Nedovic on base and arrange their distribution amongst the SOUs. To your duty Alpha Two......and Piers, stay safe. I want Chris found as much as you do. You're my eyes and ears out there, good luck." Jeez, no pressure then!

February 13th.....Hey, it's Valentine's Day tomorrow! I'm making you my Valentine Captain.....One way or another.

**Thursday, February 14th 2013:**

No Entry.

**Friday, February 15th 2013:**

Chris, we've been kinda' busy the last two days. I'm just gonna' make sure the guys are Ok, then grab some shuteye myself. I'll write more when I can, but you know what it's like on Ops. You're in our thoughts.....always. I love you.

**Saturday, February 16th 2013:**

Jeez Captain, our third day of combat in a row! But we've broken through the ELA's frontline at last, and tonight is the first time I've been able to sit down and write for a while. We should feel elated, but we're all so tired all we wanna' do right now is catch some shuteye. The fighting started out fairly conventionally; but as they got desperate, the ELA and their mercenaries turned to using the C-virus again. The J'avo created are really ferocious fighters. If the first shot isn't fatal, they just mutate into something even worse. It's been tough on the regular army guys; they're just not psyched-up for dealing with BOWs. They're having to learn the hard way.

Your boys have done well, magnificently so given what the ELA have thrown at us. You'd be so proud Chris. I won't say you've been missing the fun, but you've certainly missed the action. Or have you? Have you found your own action I wonder? Fighting the good fight somewhere. It's so deeply ingrained in you. I can't imagine you losing that, whatever else you may have lost. I hope and pray you're safe Chris. Take care, for all our sakes.

**Sunday, February 17th 2013:**

We were up early this morning and moved out towards the east. We're taking things slowly this time. Making sure we don't run over any sleeper cells. Learning the lessons from our previous Ops.

We halted midday for a re-supply. Captain Nedovic was there, delivering more of our RPGs. He was a welcome sight! Sorry, I can't chat, gotta' write up my combat reports for Command....Ugh! Goodnight Captain.

**Monday, February 18th 2013:**

The ELA have regrouped and created another front. We came up against them around midday. They used Napads to blunt our attacks. It's the first time we've seen them actually formed. Command had some uncorroborated reports on how it happens; now we've witnessed it ourselves. It seems to be a fusion of two or more C-virus infected bodies to produce one creature. One tactic we've adopted against them is to play possum, then pop-up behind them and hit or attack their weak spots. It's a bit hairy, but it seems to work.....you'd love it. Ha!

We've pulled back tonight, I think tomorrow's gonna' be interesting. Time to get some scoff and then some sleep. The ELA doesn't seem to have much of a night-fighting capability thank God, and the BOWs don't seem to function as well in the dark. Let's hope it stays that way. Keep safe.

**Tuesday, February 19th 2013:**

We moved out before dawn, heading towards the rising sun. We used helicopter gunships from the Air Platoon to punch a hole through the ELA line. Further north, Bravo were doing the same thing. We're trying to get around some of the ELA's toughest combatants. They've got tanks and other armor, plus BOWs of course. There have been reports of J'avo operating tanks and even helicopters captured from Edonian bases, but I don't think we've met any yet....I expect we will.

We stink! We could all do with a bath and a decent meal, but for now, cold water and first strike rations will have to do until the supply train catches up.....and no, I'm still not shaving. Even Finn's got more of a beard then me, ha ha ha!

**Wednesday, February 20th 2013:**

Off before dawn again, still pushing east. We've left the regular army to take on the ELA. Command are being cagey about our next objective, but we seem to be leaving the open countryside and heading towards more populated areas. We got re-supplied around midday. Alex was there again, Captain Nedovic that is. He's tall; Andy says he reminds him of you before you bulked up. He got Andy some smokes. I think Andy misses your cigarettes as much as he misses you. It's funny, we all miss you in different ways. Andy your cigs and your comradeship, Carl your jokes, Ben your combat knowledge and Finn your all-round awesomeness! Ha ha! Me? I miss your reassuring smile, your smell next to me when we're sat in the Hummer....I'm trying my best to be you for the guys but it's not easy. Perhaps I should start smoking and learn how to tell a joke, smile a bit more. Jeez, get your ass back here soon Captain, before I have to bulk-up as well!

**Thursday, February 21st 2013:**

Fuck Chris, what a day! We entered a large town at first light. Urban combat, our specialty. We were clearing a factory of snipers when Ben was attacked. I saw him across the other side of some sort of plant room. I wanted to shout out, but knew it was better to remain silent, undetected. I thought his assailant was a mercenary at first. Skinny, shirtless, just in combat pants. But when he lifted Ben clear off the ground with one arm I knew he was some sort of fucking BOW. He was shaking Ben around like a rag doll, Ben was choked out, just hanging limp. I couldn't get a clear head shot, Ben was in the way, but I managed to shoot the bastard through his arm. They both fell to the floor, neither moving. I ran over and checked Ben first, he was still breathing thank God. Then I looked at the BOW, a J'avo, he was wearing some sort of face mask. Weird, it looked oriental, red and white stripes. I didn't bother to take it off. I just stomped on his head, repeatedly. Andy had to stop me in the end.

Finn soon came running and checked Ben over. He was fine once he'd had a breather, but he'll have some bad bruising for a while. I think Finn would have had him medevacked back to the States if he'd had his way. Ben is his best buddy, second only to you in awesomeness! I felt such hatred for that J'avo. I don't know what I'd do if we lost someone, the bonds run so deep now. I've learnt that from you Captain. With a few exceptions, mostly my spotters in the army, I've always been a loner. Someone apart, distant. But not now, not any more. We're family, which is why I won't give up on you. I used to think that perhaps you were a father substitute. But no, you're so much more than that. Not just to me, but all of us, chief amongst a band of brothers.

Sorry, getting a bit sentimental.....gotta' learn to suck it up. Just gonna' make sure the guys are settled then grab some sleep myself. Goodnight Chris, come back to us soon.

**Friday, February 22nd 2013:**

We continued moving through the town today. Clearing pockets of resistance as we went. It's slow, but familiar work. Dave is settling in well on point. Andy is very happy with his progress; so I've been free to do some more sniping. I don't count them any more, my slots. My emotions are hardening as this war continues. I'm conscious of becoming heartless, robotic, a killing machine. I don't want that, but the sooner it's over the sooner I can continue searching for you. Don't worry, Carl and Finn do their best to keep us amused. They give Alpha its humanity bless them. And then at night, like now, I get this diary out and scribble a few more lines of my nonsense and I feel the day's tension gradually easing. My poor Analog. Already it's getting tattered. Barely two months old, but it's become one of my most treasured possessions. It's always with me. Safe inside my flak jacket and next to my heart because it's my link with you. Some guys carry the Bible, others a favorite copy of Playboy or a letter from home. Me? I carry a diary....no, _our_ diary........go figure.

**Saturday, February 23rd 2013:**

Hello Captain, we're still in the industrial area of this town, _Dvasic_ it's called, lots of manufacturing and chemical plants, with a large river separating the industrialized and residential areas. It's good BOW territory, plenty of scope for ambushes and sneak attacks. So Command and the Edonian Army have come up with new tactics. One team, us in this case......I volunteered, like I know you would have done.......go out ahead of the main force on what the Edonians call a _Lovac-Ubica_ mission. It means Hunter-Killer. We're meant to seek out and eradicate J'avo, and human, snipers and recce teams. We fall-back and observe or track any larger units until the army and other BSAA guys arrive. It's good teamwork building and hones our comms procedures.

Talking of which, ha, ha, Ben has temporarily lost his voice. He's Ok, don't worry, it's just the internal bruising from his encounter with that masked J'avo coming out. I've swapped him and Andy, so Ben is with Dave for now. It help will improve Dave's hand signaling skills. Andy says Dave has a limited 'finger' vocabulary......I'm not so sure about that.....usually Andy only uses two fingers himself......or one.

Finn wanted to stay buddied-up with Ben, but he'll get distracted plying Ben with throat lozenges and warm tea with honey if I'm any judge. He already talks enough for two. Ha! Being with Andy will be a good experience for our rookie; Andy doesn't like idle chat on ops! I never realized just how quiet you can be sometimes. You and Andy seem to have a telepathy thing going on. Funny, I miss that reassuring quiet. Your silence is palpable; it has a presence, a weight, born of experience. Mine sounds like I'm desperately trying to think what to do or say next. Things have gotten noisier on the team since.....since Dave arrived and me being made ATL and um, well, everything else. Time to tighten up I think. I want Alpha to be like you've never been away when you resume command.

I'll close now. I'm knackered, as the Brits say. It means friggin' tired, or something like that! Take care Captain, stay safe.

**Sunday, February 24th 2013:**

Another _Lovac-Ubica_ mission. More successful than yesterday's. The signals engineers managed to get a local net set-up over night. So today Command has been able to provide some real-time Intel and satellite data. Coverage was very patchy out in the countryside, but then we had better visibility, and the BOWs had less cover. These industrial complexes are like rat-runs. Trying to get plans is virtually impossible, most of the factory workers who have remained in the town are staying home indoors and no one wants to be a guide. We normally check out the admin and security offices first, they usually have some sort of map or plan up on the wall.

As usual, Command wants all the Intel they can get, and more BOW samples. Keeping us alive is my first priority. Then eradicating the threats. Data collection comes a poor third. Don't those guys have any combat experience? Don't they read our reports? Useless fuckers!

We're mainly fighting inside buildings at present. It's been bitterly cold here and since we've cut most of the power grid, it's as cold inside as it is out. Thankfully none of the BOWs we've encountered so far seem to like the cold, or the dark, so night time activity is much reduced compared to the day. New acoustic and thermal sensors give us a trip-wire around our FOB. We've had a few false alarms, and some foxes and cats have had nasty, and permanent, surprises. But on the whole they're working well.....so another report is now required by Command! The Edonians love all our technology, especially our night vision equipment and Command's individualized data-links. They're force multipliers without a doubt, but you still can't beat boots on the ground. I can't think why the other branches aren't here alongside us and the Europeans; other than that they have their own problems. Everyone was very tight-lipped at that Paris meeting. I guess there's more going on globally than we've been told........Jeez, if ever we needed you back in this war it's now!

My fingers are just about falling off! I can't write properly with gloves on, so I'm gonna' crawl into my caterpillar and catch some Zzz's before things kick-off again. Sleep tight.

**Monday, February 25th 2013:**

A new tactic today, what they call _Razaraн_ or Destroyer. It's designed for more urban warfare. The army guys sweep through the residential areas, because they've got more manpower, and call us in to dispose of any BOWs they find. It's mainly J'avo. Most of the ones we've met up till now have been mercenaries or ELA. They're tough fighters, sort of suicidal. But today we've come across non-combatants infected with C-virus for the first time. Still dangerous, but they don't have the military skills. It's a bit like a turkey shoot. I've told the guys to concentrate on what they are, not think about who they were. Poor devils, they died the moment they injected themselves.

I've just looked at the date. It's been 2 months now since you disappeared. I can't believe I've failed to find you, I'm so, so, sorry. I need to see that reassuring smile, feel that gentle hand on my shoulder. I need you to tell me I'm doing the right things here in the field and back in the city. It's so lonely without your presence. Is that the loneliness of Command? Is that what you've been suffering from all this time? My poor Captain, being alone, it's such a terrible thing, the worst. When I find you......and I will......you'll never be lonely again. That's a promise!

**Tuesday, February 26th 2013:**

Another _Razaraн_ mission. None of us enjoyed it. Well, except Andy perhaps. He seems to be able to switch-off his emotions. I've seen you do it sometimes. It's a defense mechanism I suppose. The term battle-hardened makes it sound more glamorous than it really is. We're all looking forward to our next rotation more than usual.

Ben's still finding it difficult to speak. I expect Finn will enjoy playing nurse for the next week......poor Ben. Now he's gonna' have earache as well. Ha, ha! I'm gonna' order the guys to get away for their R&R. They deserve the break, they need it.

I managed to speak to Ana and Stefan today.....only briefly though. They couldn't tell me where they were, but we're gonna' try and meet up in Edonia City sometime next week and review the progress on your search. Isn't that great? Some good news at last.

**Wednesday, February 27th 2013:**

Yet another fucking new tactic! Christ, two months into the operation and Command and the Edonians are still trying to work out how to use us! This one's called _Tragaču_ , it means Seeker. We go out ahead of the army guys and find targets for them. Crazy, a total fucking waste of our skills. Command are gonna' get my thoughts on the subject very soon! You probably wouldn't have even tried it, just gone and done your own thing. I wish I had your balls Captain! Oh, er, figuratively speaking I mean.....Ha!

**Thursday, February 28th 2013:**

Our relief arrived today, in the shape of Charlie Team. It was good to see them. We completed the handover this evening, after much discussion on the various new tactics. The scuttle-butt is that Bravo were similarly unimpressed with some aspects as well. Captain Ellis' report on them was as blunt as mine apparently. Good! His will carry far more weight than mine I'm sure. I'm copying most things to Major Valentine by the way. She's not in my direct chain of command here in the field, but she did tell me to be her 'eyes and ears' and I'm taking a broad view of that order. I think you'd agree somehow.

Oh boy! Just had a text from Petar, my police contact. Apparently a man fitting your description assaulted 2 police officers in someplace call _Majdabor_. Knocked 'em out cold! Did I want to go and talk to them? You bet! I asked the army guys about it, it's a big mining town out to the north-east of the Capital. There's an Edonian army base nearby apparently. If I'm lucky, I can hitch a lift on an Edonian Air Force bird from Edonia to there at the weekend. Don't you dare go away Chris, I'm on my way. You're a wanted man. Hope I get to you before the Police do!


	4. March 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As March begins, Piers follows up a strong lead some distance from Edonia City. It gives him an insight into how Chris may be living. But the civil war continues regardless, and Piers and Alpha Team are once more in the thick of things. It takes it's toll on them all. By the end of the month Piers seems disillusioned with progress in the conflict. He's tired and battle-weary, but determined to pick-up the search for Chris once again.

**Analog**

**A personal record by Lt P. Nivans, Alpha Team SOU, BSAA NAB**

**Friday, March 1st 2013:**

Alpha flew back to base from ops this morning. We learnt there was a flight leaving for Ramstein in the evening. So even though we were all tired and filthy; I de-briefed early so the boys had time to clean-up and pack in order to catch it. They needed some persuasion to leave me here, but everyone's pretty whacked after the last two weeks. It's been kinda' intense and they need to unwind. Andy and Carl were hoping to catch a USAF flight on to the States from Germany. Finn was taking both Ben and Dave to Ireland this time. Finn wants to take Ben to kiss the Blarney Stone apparently, whatever that may be **.** Some old relic I think, a bit like his Gran? Meant to improve your power of speech he said, so he must have locked-lips with it a few times, ha, ha! Our shiny new Corporal is slowly getting his voice back. Hope he doesn't over do it. And Dave is looking forward to trying Guinness......I think they all are actually. Which leaves me on my own tonight. I'm Ok with that; I've been able to write up my reports in peace and pack for my trip to _Majdabor_ and who knows what tomorrow. I've managed to hitch a ride leaving mid-morning. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much this time, but I'm still excited. I just can't help it. You could be a mere flight away Captain.

I touched base with Claire and my Mom after supper tonight. Nothing much to say really, just to let them know I'm Ok and following up a new lead on you. Claire sends you her love of course. But she's worried you may be drinking too much if there's no one there to restrain you. I also spoke to Petar. He gave me my contact details in _Majdabor._ He said the police there were pretty pissed off about the incident. He also said that if I did find you, it would be better to leave discretely. So I dug out your original UN travel order. It might help if I have to spirit you away. Ha!

I sent Major Valentine my expected itinerary, but I've had no reply. I also asked what was happening with Finn's award. I'm not sure who decides these things; probably some pen-pusher in Washington, or the UN in New York......or both....life's never simple!

Oh Jeez, I ache all over! I'm gonna' take a long bath, as hot I can get it; then put some of your cologne on my pillow, and......um, well, it's probably best left unsaid what happens next. Fuck! I'm blushing at my diary! I am _so_ gonna' burn this when I find you.....let's hope that's soon.

I haven't said I love you in a while have I? Sorry about that, combat and personal feelings don't mix too well I guess. Well, I love you Chris Redfield. And when I find you, I'm gonna' tell you just how much. Sweet dreams Chris.

**Saturday, March 2nd 2013:**

I'm writing this in the back of an elderly Soviet-era Mil helicopter. Damn! It's noisier than a Charlie one-thirty! Got my 'cans' on. Made some Country playlists to listen to last night when I couldn't sleep. Up early this morning, ran off some 'missing' posters to distribute in _Majdabor_ , checked my mail.....nothing.....and then jumped on this old bird. Mostly cargo and a couple of other guys, like me, hitching a lift. It's all pretty relaxed, but we have to fly the around the combat zone, so it's taking longer than I thought. Hopefully Petar's contact in the Majdabor Police will pick me up at the base and take me to meet these two guys who got beat up. I've got the Company Amex with me in case I have to provide bail, the one we use for our imprest. The BSAA can afford it I figure.

Checked into the O's mess on arrival, then got picked up and driven into the city center Police Station. I was introduced to the two officers, both big guys, but young and rather inexperienced. And very angry and embarrassed at being taken out. One busted nose, bruising, black eyes, busted hand, wrenched shoulder, concussion. My first thought was whoever did it was thorough......But if it was a drunk and angry you, it would seem you went easy on them!

Someone had drawn a likeness based on their recollections. He had a full beard and longer hair. But they'd made their own additions to the sketch. Those lines coming down and out from under the eyes and nose that you have. It certainly looked like you, but I didn't react. Instead I showed them one of my posters. They both nodded, but said this guy's face was thinner, more drawn. I asked what had happened. They'd been called to a brawl in a late night bar. A bunch of criminals from Edonia City, and their minders, had a dust-up with some local thugs. When the bar owner called the police everyone except this guy left. He carried on drinking, didn't like being disturbed......and the rest, as they say, is history. When the two policemen came-to after being KO’d the man had long gone.

They asked me who this Chris Redfield was, why was I so interested? I said you were my superior officer; you'd gone missing from hospital, probably suffering from PTA, after being attacked by an Ogroman. I said it didn't sound like you, that you'd been a police officer too once before. And if it was you, you were clearly unwell. I said if there were any further sightings I would like to be informed, and would take full responsibility for your actions. That you were not to be harmed. They both looked at me and suggested I'd better find you first then. I had to bite my tongue. Then one of them said 'Captain America or not, he's not welcome here.' I lost it then, big time. Told them a few home truths about what you'd done in your life, the BSAA, things we'd seen and fought against together in Edonia. I said rather than seeking revenge, they should suck it up and help find a brave man, wounded by a conflict in a foreign landed. Someone helping the Edonian people at the invitation of their government. They looked at me shamefaced, open-mouthed. It was a shock; I don't think they realized what the BSAA did. After I calmed down I asked them where the bar was. They gave me an address. I thanked them, gave them some money for their time and trouble.....that sucked......and went to leave. They spoke to one another then asked me to wait; one went and fetched my contact, a young Lieutenant named Sava. They are sorry, he said, they want to help in your search, even though they are on sick-leave. They said it was exactly what they would do for their Captain. For the first time they smiled. They gave me my money back and said they would pick me up at the base first thing the next morning. I shook their hands and left before I embarrassed myself. I could've hugged them!

I suddenly realized I was starving, hadn't eaten all day, so I suggested to Sava we go for a meal, then pay a visit to the bar afterwards. Jeez, what a place! A seedy glamour would best describe it. Not counting the gambling and prostitutes! The barman confirmed the story. He had no idea who the gang were. Said it was none of his business......what a surprise! But he could tell where they were from by their city accents. Except for one, who didn't speak much, just glared at people and drank. A bodyguard he thought, hired muscle. I showed him a poster. He nodded his head, 'Yes, more beard, less smile, but that looks like him.'

He didn't know where he went after the incident, or if he'd rejoined the others. They hadn't been seen since. As we left he stopped me. 'His eyes, so dark under those heavy brows, it was hard to tell what color they were. All you could see were just two small points of light, yet they looked right into you. Into and through you. He was an angry man.... _Ukleta_......haunted, cursed.' I knew then it was you Chris. But where are you now? And what have you become?

**Sunday, March 3rd 2013:**

As promised, Danilo and Luka picked me up after breakfast. Danilo was driving; Luka's right arm is in a sling! They were both a lot friendlier today, they have a double act going on all the time, like Andy and Carl, lots of laughing and dubious jokes. On the ride to town they asked me more about you, and what we did together. I just stuck to the highlights; but it made me realize just how much we've done, you and I. I think they wanted to get a feel for you, other than just as a bar brawler!

Given I didn't know the area, I thought it best we stuck together. We spiraled out from the bar. Taking in the Hotels and hostels around club. Being police, Dani and Luka could demand to see the guest registers. It should have been obvious if a large party had signed in, but what if the receptionist was bribed I wondered? So Dani and Luka adopted a hard line of questioning; all to no avail. It was possible the gang used an apartment or house for their visit. In the afternoon we concentrated on restaurants and diners, again with no result. As the evening drew in, we checked the very few clubs and bars that were open, again nothing. I bought the guys dinner, it was the least I could do. We decided to meet up again tomorrow; and called it quits for the day.

So tonight I'm sitting here alone in my room, writing up my diary, collecting my thoughts. It was so frustrating Chris, you know? I'm convinced it was you in that club. But the trail seems to have gone cold. Are you still nearby? Have you moved on? Where to? The capital or someplace else? So many possibilities. So few of us looking.

So close, but always so far. So out comes the cologne......It's like a drug.....I've become dependent on it. Like I've become dependent on you. Jesus! Where the fuck are you Chris? You, and Alpha, you've taught me to be a team player, part of a family. I've forgotten what it's like being alone. I don't want to be that solitary sniper again. Please come back....please.

**Monday, March 4th 2013:**

It was a cold and grey morning I awoke to. It matched my mood. I found the Comcen and checked if there was anything for me. Nothing. I sent a signal off to Major Valentine; just an update. Checked on flights, there's a bird going back tomorrow, then none till Friday. I'd better get it. The boys are due back Thursday and Alpha will be back on ops by the weekend. Plus I need to catch-up with Ana and Stefan before then. Damn, I wish this war was over!

Sava came around late morning and took me into town. At the central police station he and I put together a new 'missing' poster; with my original image and a photo fit image, based on the latest sighting, next to it. So, heavier beard, longer hair, drawn face. First thing we're doing when I find you is visiting the barbers, after a good steak dinner! He said they'd been having trouble contacting the police department in the capital; the fighting must have brought the lines down again. He wanted to brief them on this gang visit. Looks like it might be my job now. He gave me some data to handover to Petar.

I'd arranged to meet up with Dani and Luka in the evening to check out the bars and clubs. They were having medicals during the afternoon; so Sava and I visited the local hospitals and some doss houses and soup kitchens. Just like in Edonia City, the fighting in the countryside has pushed a lot of homeless people into town. Unlike some civil wars, there don't seem to be areas that are one side or the other. The ELA seem to have had cells everywhere according to Sava. I think that's why it's taking so long to defeat them. We met up with Dani and Luka after dinner and began checking out the bars and clubs; without much success. However, we did find one club, not far from the one you visited, that was interesting. The bar staff were very cagey about answering at first. But after I offered some money, they recall a bunch of visitors from the city. They thought your face was among them. You'd had a 'discussion' with the doorman apparently and 'persuaded' him to let them in. We spoke to the bouncer and he confirmed the story, made a positive id on your photo. He said you didn't say much, but he thought you had a foreign accent and were probably ex-military. Also you smelt of cigarettes and booze. He looked at Danilo and Luka, 'Did you upset him? Bad Move!' They laughed......a bit. They took his statement to add to the others and that was it.

We went for a drink afterwards. _Rakija_ , what else? I thanked 'Starsky and Hutch'; asked them to keep in touch. They wished me luck in my search and presented me with a fancy leather bound bottle containing.....yes, you guessed it. When this is all over, I think I'll take you to meet them. If only to apologize. Then Sava drove me back to the base, and another lonely night at the end of another frustrating day. Good thing is at least you're physically Ok it would seem. But mentally? Your bad choice of friends and habits suggests you're in a dark place. But you're alive thank God. And that gives me renewed hope. Goodnight Chris, stay safe.

**Tuesday, March 5th 2013:**

Once again a noisy and uncomfortable trip back on the old Mil. A little shorter flight this time. The main fighting has moved a little east, so the exclusion zone has moved with it. I checked for any signals, but nothing. Command seem to be quiet. Well, they're busy I'm sure. There's more to worry about than an obsessed ATL and his missing Captain I guess, even if he is a founder! Different priorities I suppose. Contacted Ana and Stefan, they're back in the capital now, we set up a meeting for tomorrow with Petar as well, so I can hand over the police stuff from Sava. Time for lunch, I need to start having regular meals again!

It's late......I'm just turning in. Where was I? Oh yeh, eating! After lunch I busied myself checking our ammo stocks. The BSAA shares space in one of the underground storage bunkers. Alex turned up and gave me a hand. It was much easier taking an inventory with two. When that was finished we went to the armory. I stripped down and cleaned all the guy's weapons just to make sure, thought they were all pretty good. Finn is a lot more thorough now, that's Ben's influence. Nothing worse than suffering an embarrassing stoppage with your buddy. Alex couldn't believe how fast I could strip, clean and re-assemble Tophie.....yeh, I was showing off! I haven't seen the Edonian Army using AMRs much, and I asked him why. He said they preferred using a heavy machine gun nowadays, with their high rate of fire. I said AMRs were the perfect weapon for many of the BOWs we've encountered, and anyway, I only ever needed one shot....Ha ha, I know, what am I like?

I ran off a bunch of the new posters later in the afternoon, stocks were getting low of the old ones, I'm more hopeful of these ones helping find you; unless you decide to shave! Spoke briefly with Stefan, we're gonna' meet up here on base, so I booked a small room for the morning.

I was sat alone for dinner this evening when Alex came over, he said I looked like I needed a friend so we into town for a drink. Andy's right, he looks very much like a younger you, leaner, big hair and a bit flash....um, a bit immature? Er, I mean him, not you! Ha! But he's good company. And by the end of the evening I'd stopped feeling lonely for once. And now it's time for bed. Good night Chris....and sweet dreams I hope.

**Wednesday, March 6th 2013:**

It's snowing again. Not heavy like before, but enough to give everything a thick coating. The forecasters say it should be the last of the season.....Yay! I used to think snow was pretty, especially viewed through the window of a warm room! But since we came here I'm not so keen any more. Now it seems creepy, as if it's covering something up, hiding it from sight. And the silence......it's stifling, like I've lost one of my senses. Oh, how I long for some Californian sun.....and sea. Can you believe it, there's people here who've never seen the ocean! Weird huh? I'm writing this waiting for the others. The snow may have held them up since they're all based in the city.......Ah, that looks like them now. Catch you later Captain.....

It was a good meeting. We got to re-focus our efforts and resources in your search. However, it's all based upon the person in _Majdabor_ being you. That could be its strength.....or its weakness. I told them I was certain it was you, all my 'snipey senses' told me. Stefan was intrigued by that, he says that being an Int Officer can be similar; you become attuned to certain stimuli, patterns, experience born of gut-feelings. Ana thought it was just so sweet....!? And Petar, ever the policeman, thought it was just bullshit! He only sees and reacts to hard evidence. Hmm, why does that sound familiar? Ha! But he read the data Sava had sent him carefully and said the gangs in the City could be worth watching. He told us that with the civil war, most of the gangs, be they criminal organizations or family-run concerns, had remained pretty neutral, looking for business opportunities rather than taking sides. He admitted the police had taken their eye off them recently, concentrating on finding terrorists and ELA networks. There were gangs in most of the larger towns as well as the capital. He said he would pass Sava's information on to the OKO, the _Organizovanog Kriminala Odred_ or Organized Crime Squad; together with the updated description and image of you as a potential bodyguard or hired muscle. They would disseminate it around the rest of the country. Ana and Stefan will issue the new description to the relevant military authorities.

We agreed our main focus should remain in Edonia City, with _Majdabor_ as the next priority. Stefan said the main battle front was moving that way from the centre of the country, he thought there would be more opportunities for me to go there, though communications could become a problem. I thanked them all and opened up that fancy bottle of _Rakija_....Here it's a tradition to toast your friends at the end of a successful meeting. And besides, I've got to get rid of it somehow!

In the afternoon I updated Mom and Claire. Mom thought I sounded tired, it's probably just a reaction after the last few days. She's always looking out for my six! And she knows I won't rest until you’re found and safe. Claire was pleased to hear the progress, but concerned you may have fallen in with a bad crowd. I tried to reassure her it was safer than fighting BOWs and that you seemed to be handling yourself pretty well. She had to laugh, she said _'It's a Redfield thing Piers, better get used to it.'_

I feel more upbeat about things tonight. The boys are due back tomorrow. And Alex is coming around later; we're gonna' finish that damned _Rakija_! So I don't feel quite so alone any more. Still one person missing of course. Take care Chris, I love you.

**Thursday, March 7th 2013:**

We had more snow in the night. Although I really wanted to go into the city and check out some clubs and bars; I regretfully decided to stay here on base. I don't wanna' get stuck and miss the boys coming back. Hope the airfield remains open. If they get diverted I might have to go find them as well as you! So I got my admin up-to date, fired off a couple of reports to Command and Major Valentine. Some follow-up to my original thoughts on those new tactics plus a Sitrep on the search for you. I copied that last to all the people at the Paris meeting; just to remind them in case they'd forgotten about you. I won't let that happen, believe me! And now I'm waiting for Command to brief me on the latest combat situation. We'll get a local briefing when we go onto 24 hours notice, which should be after the team returns. There's more snow up country apparently. I'm hoping there's some cold-weather gear on the flight with the guys. But I've made arrangements here with Alex to get some Edonian Army gear on loan if not. He's been really helpful, my 'younger' you! Gotta' go now or I'll miss my lunch. I'm making sure I stay fueled-up in this weather......Mom's orders!

The boys got in; they just made it in a break in the weather. Command must have had confirmation of the landing; by the time they'd disembarked we'd been put on 48 hours notice. Not sure why it wasn't 24, probably the weather, Command didn't say.

It was so good to see them again, your family. I brought them up to speed on the search. Andy thought it was hilarious, you being a bodyguard to a bunch of thugs. Carl couldn't stop smirking and Finn went beetroot and giggled....I suspect he might still be running on Guinness. Dave did the sensible thing and kept quiet; he's most likely under tuition from Ben. Normally I would have given them all 'the look', but I was so pleased to have them back again. And I know it's only because they love you. It's just their way of showing their affection. Wish I could show you mine.....er....blush.....must be the Guinness fumes from the Three Stooges!

A message came in from Major Valentine early this evening. _'Your flurry of signals has not gone unnoticed! Just be careful how often you stir the pot. However, I am not alone in knowing Alpha is in safe hands pending the return of Captain Redfield. Keep up the good work ATL. Stay safe Alpha and good luck.'_ Wow! Good to know I still have the Major's confidence.....better not screw up then! There wasn't any cold weather gear on the flight btw......SNAFU! So I'll go find Alex and get the army stuff now.

A quiet night in with the boys. I decided to let them unwind after their travels; Andy and Carl are a bit jet-lagged. Then tomorrow we'll get our gear together and hit the gym after a morning run and breakfast. Start to prepare ourselves for the next couple of weeks. The guys all say Hi by the way. They've seen me scribbling away in this diary before we bed-down for the night during Ops.....I reckon they pretty much know what's in it......we are family after all. Good night Chris, you stay safe too. Major Valentine's orders!

**Friday, March 8th 2013:**

I told everyone to dress in our normal running gear, shorts and tees this morning. You should have seen their faces! 'What the f....Sir! It's snowing!' I told them I had a surprise for them, took them into the gym and 6 piles of clothes. 'Welcome to your new winter gear boys, courtesy of the Edonian Army.....time to try it out.' So we all suited up. It's a white two-piece, smock, with mittens attached, separate pants plus a pair of boot covers. And off we set. Yeh, we did get some strange looks, but I want the guys to familiarize themselves with this gear until we get our own. On the second lap Andy stopped and threw up, he looked dreadful. Normally I chew him out about his excessive smoking when he's on R&R, but I thought I'd try some reverse psychology this time. Ok old timer, don't worry. Go take an early shower...... _'You bastard.....Sir! That's what the Captain always says'_.......Your choice Andy.......' _And that! I'll finish the damned run.''_ Ha, ha! I knew Andy wouldn't back off from such a challenge. Your Sergeant is many things Chris, but he never lets you down, even if it kills him! Weird how I'm turning into you though.

Geez! That was a busy day, everyone's tired. Perhaps I over did it in the combat class. We've just finished dinner....I told the guys to get an early night.

We're on 24 hour standby now. I think we'll move out sometime tomorrow after our final briefing. The boys have been phoning or mailing home, me too. Wish I could talk to you, but I can sense your presence, when I write. Like you're standing behind me, talking. ' _This way.....There ya go!......Good thing I can count on you......Way to get my back.....Alpha! On me!_ ' Sometimes I put my hand up to my shoulder, cos' I feel your hand there, guiding me, calming me. And I turn and look up and you've gone, like I'm not meant to see you. But I feel you, and when I close my eyes, at night, I see you in my dreams. Oh, come back to us Chris....and make it....Damn, there's someone at the door.....

**Saturday, March 9th 2013:**

Good.....er, what time is it? Ha! Start again Nivans. Good afternoon Captain. We briefed this morning, later then usual. Currently we’re en-route to the new combat zone; further east than before. I need to talk to you sometime, properly....can't just now, but I will later. Right now I need my combat head on. And I need to delegate. You know that's never been easy for me, I've always preferred to do things myself. Dave is settling in well, but he needs some responsibility, as befits his rank. Not something trivial though. I want to keep looking after the personal admin stuff. Leave, training, medical stuff, immunizations, that sorta' thing. It keeps me in touch with the guy's day to day problems. Not that many get past Andy anyway! Perhaps I should give Dave more involvement in deciding tactics. And more input into those reports Command always wants. I know you always say 'If it ain't broken, don't fix it.' but he's growing-up before my eyes, maturing. We all are....well, not Andy so much, the old pro! Ha, ha! That's what combat does; turns boys into men....turns innocence into experience......But there's a loss as well as a gain. You know that better than any of us, don't you?

**Sunday, March 10th 2013:**

We completed our handover with Charlie Team last night. They've lost their rookie private, young Gary Simpson. A J'avo ambush. Everyone was very quiet. Don't know how I'd cope...its bad enough with...well, you know.

**Monday, March 11th 2013:**

No entry.

**Tuesday, March 12th 2013:**

No entry.

**Wednesday, March 13th 2013:**

Hi Chris. It's been a bit hairy the last few days. Everyone's Ok.....shaken up a bit. Conventional and BOW combat. We've been pushing east, very slowly against stiff resistance. We encountered a new BOW last night; well two actually, both new to us. A creature, described by some of the Edonian soldiers who first saw it as heavily built, around 9ft tall and horribly disfigured. It came crashing through their perimeter guard and seemed to have a machine gun for one arm! It cut a swathe through the troops, but didn't stand and fight as such, just kept moving purposely towards the north. The army took a lot of casualties. Whatever it was seemed impervious to light weapons and RPGs.

Command tasked Alpha and one of the Edonian recce teams to track it, though not to engage. But we lost it. At least we thought we had. Then we saw some bats flying around, the army guys called them _Palicas,_ but they glowed, like a blue light coming from their bodies. I was sure they were some sort of BOW. I ordered everyone to stay still, but as they got closer and closer someone shot one. It started screaming, an ear piercing noise and the other bats came to it, glowing red now. Everyone opened up on them and the next thing was the big guy appeared, like he'd heard the commotion, but couldn't see it too well. A couple of the recce guys broke cover and the red bats spotted them. The creature seemed to home in on the position and it mowed the 2 soldiers down, poor sods, but at least it was quick. Everyone stayed put after that.

After a while the bats headed north with the creature following. We radioed Command and they told us to discontinue tracking and rejoin the main group. Fuck, I hope we don't meet it again. Even the _Ogromen_ had their weak spots, but this thing. We brought the two bodies back on makeshift stretchers. I couldn't leave them with that thing out there.

The army guys held a small service when we returned, so moving. Later we collated all our impressions of the BOW and got a report off to Command. They told us to stay put whilst they dispatched a Clean-Up Team. They want to recover some of the bat-like creatures.

Its late afternoon, getting dark already. The arrival of the Clean-Up Team has been delayed. Helicopter flights have been temporarily suspended for some reason. Command won't say exactly why, just 'Urgent Operational Matters.'

I'm gonna crash now, the rest of the guys are already kipping, catch you later Chris.

**Thursday, March 14th 2013:**

Met our old friends, the Clean-Up Team today. Command has commenced helicopter operations again and the team flew in this morning to collect the remains of the _Palicas_ we shot for analysis. Young Jack Shaughnessy is now their permanent leader. My God, how he's aged in the last few weeks. Not just looking tired, but physically, lines in the face, weight loss.

I already see it in Ben and Carl. Dave and Finn will be next I guess. And I've seen it in you, when I compare the Captain I know with your old file photos or your 'younger twin' ~~Alex~~....um, Captain Nedovic that is. Like war slowly sucks the youth and vitality out of you. Shit, where will we all end up? Assuming we survive. Sorry, of course we will. But we have to believe in our cause, and that belief has to be strong. To make us get up every morning and fight another day.......Perhaps that's what you've lost.....through this PTA thing.....your belief? We'll get it back, don't worry Chris. When we find you. Everything's gonna' be just like it was back home, even better! I promise.

I asked Command if they had any further Intel on that creature. It was a strange reply. They said they had been aware of its existence (nice of them to tell us!) and it had been assumed to be out of the country. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I bet Neo Umbrella and that bitch Radames are behind it. Apparently it was last seen heading for the ELA lines, they deserve it.

Jeez, I'm feeling a bit introspective tonight. I shouldn't burden you with my problems, I'm meant to be helping you with yours. Stay safe Chris, for me, for the guys.

**Friday, March 15th 2013:**

We received new orders this morning. We're moving. Don't know where yet. North or east probably.

More orders......now we've been told to stay put! I hate this indecision, it lowers morale. We've been ordered to hold this position.....Charlie Team have been recalled early from R&R, and the European Foxtrot have had their handover cancelled......Boy, are they gonna' be ticked off! Something's up. This might be the big push we've been expecting. Sorry, gonna' have to close now; we've got a Commander's briefing.

**Saturday, March 16th 2013:**

Fuck it! We're still here. 24 hours sat on our butts! At least the guys have got some rest, and the re-supply column arrived last night. So now we're all dressed up with nowhere to go. There's been an increase in air activity, ground-attack aircraft as well as helicopters. We've seen them pass overhead, fully weaponed-up and heading east; then returning with empty pylons. Doing the math, the actions some 50 miles or so away, up in the central mountains. Perhaps we'll get to try out those snow-suits. All the snow down here's gone now. Spring is around the corner, but up there it'll still be winter.....I hate the cold.....might've mentioned that before.

**Sunday, March 17th 2013:**

Another hold-up today. Some of the army guys decided to go to a little church in a nearby village this morning. So Finn and I tagged along. The villagers were very frightened at first, till they realized we weren't ELA. But the priest insisted we leave our weapons outside. So one of the army guys stayed with them and listened through the door. It was a welcome respite. A brief moment of peace. And a chance to clear my mind. There's some personal stuff I need to resolve, but I don't seem able to whilst we're on ops. Still, every little helps. The recce team guys asked the priest to say some words for their fallen comrades. It was so moving. Finn teared-up bless him! It was quite dark inside the church. As we walked out into the daylight and picked up our weapons the light was blinding, like we'd moved into another world, which I suppose we had.

We're moving out later tonight, in vehicles for a change. I expect we're headed for the area they bombed yesterday. Alpha's been asked to head up the convoy since we have the night vision gear. Dave's gonna' map read and I'm gonna' take the radio. I wanna' listen in to the other units; get a feel for what's going on. Command has been tight on detail lately. That's always a bad sign.....it means things are happening!

**Monday, March 18th 2013:**

We entered a nightmare landscape today, bomb craters, burnt-out vehicles. We had to deal with some J'avo at first light. Just some remnants left behind the ELA's retreat, but very tenacious. Meant to hold us up I guess. Well it worked. Tonight we've made camp at the foot of the central mountains. Double guard on the perimeter, everyone's very jumpy because there may be more J'avo around. So only four hours in between stints. And when you're not eating, you're sleeping.

**Tuesday, March 19th 2013:**

We stayed put today, waiting for another re-supply column. Rumor has it we'll advance tomorrow. Something was marked for Finn. He was acting very suspiciously, hovering around the truck. Then he disappeared with Dave and Ben, carrying a large box under his arm. His Gran's probably knitted him another camouflaged jumper! I thought it best not to ask how it got into the supply chain.

Had a communication from Major Valentine this afternoon, for my eyes only. That creature we encountered, with the bats. Apparently it attacked the helicopter that Agent Birkin and that friggin' mercenary she had with her were in. Not long after we met them back in December. God, that feels like a lifetime ago now! Seems it attacked another bird the day after we met it. Hence the temporary hold on helicopter operations. Research thinks it uses the bats for locating targets somehow. Command are urging extreme caution if it's encountered again. I'll never understand the sick minds that create these monstrosities. They're just as inhuman as the BOWs they make.

The Major also said she hoped I would be able to concentrate on finding you sooner rather than later. Amen to that. It's my dearest wish Chris. There's so much I want to tell you in person. But not here, in this sorry little land. Already it holds too many bad memories. For me and for you too I guess. Somewhere quiet, back home, just the two of us.

**Wednesday, March 20th 2013:**

We started to climb the mountains today. Clearing out more pockets of ELA and BOWs from their hidey-holes. I thought they were using caves at first, but it turns out they're old mine workings. Like labyrinths. Once again our night-vision gear has put us on point; but fortunately we've got some extra help. We now have an eighth team member 'AlphaM8'. A little radio-controlled drone. (Alpha Mate, geddit?) That's what was in Finn's box. The boys thought up the idea in Ireland. Finn's rigged it to carry a BSAA helmet thermal-camera feeding into a headset transmitter. It's brilliant! In the tunnels it only works line-of-sight, but even so it can see into the mining galleries before we get to them. It's small and hardly makes any noise, so it doesn't seem to attract too much attention. Saves on lives and nasty surprises! It's made clearing these tunnels much easier and safer. And it cuts down the use of frag grenades. I've asked Finn to get the details off to that research guy of ours, Quint Cetcham. Our boys never cease to amaze me!

It's still painstaking work. The Edonians want to seal the mines off with explosives; but Command doesn’t want the risk of leaving any BOWs alive inside. We'll be here for another day I think.

**Thursday, March 21st 2013:**

Second day on mine-clearance duties, but we've finished at last. AlphaM8 got wounded today, he lost a rotor! Finn's looking after him, he'll be fine. He found a group of ELA fighters in the last gallery, they let loose with a machine gun when they heard us coming, firing blind. We asked them to surrender, but they carried on firing, so we fragged 'em, we had no choice.

I was glad to get out of there, we all were. It wasn't a noble way to fight, unseen in the dark and damp, not face to face. The army engineers rigged temporary lighting behind us as we cleared the way. Once the Clean-Up Teams have done their job, the tunnels will be blown. I hope the memories are buried too.

**Friday, March 22nd 2013:**

Back in the fresh air today. What a relief, even though it was bitterly cold. The wind seems to blow from every direction up here! We're all in our snow gear now; making our way on foot through the high snow fields that have persisted up in the mountains. We've been suffering from enemy snipers. It's been difficult countering them without a height advantage and using mortars risks avalanches. It would have been an ideal scenario for AlphaM8, but not in these winds and with his wobbly rotor. So we called in the big birds from the Air Platoon and me and the snipers from Charlie and European Foxtrot, we call 'em EuroFox, went hunting in a couple of helicopters. Difficult in the winds and with the snow for cover, but the thermal imaging sights proved their worth. As did Tophie. He gave us the edge in range. We're winning Chris, one step at a time. And we're learning too. Prolonged Ops are not the BSAA's strongpoint. There'll be lots to discuss with Command when you come back, and then there's me and you. We'll take it one step at a time too, Ok?

**Saturday, March 23rd 2013:**

Tonight we're camped out on top of a friggin' mountain! Progress was slow to start with this morning. We had to clear out more enemy snipers. A lot of the guys are not used to this sort of environment, us included. It's difficult to know what's under the snow. More snow, a sharp rock, or worst of all, a hole! But EuroFox has mountain warfare experience and they led the way. They're much better equipped than we are for this terrain. We've bivouacked in small tents that use rods and tubes rather than guy ropes. Neat, and cozy! Carl's got some concoction going on the alcohol stove. He says its Cajun stew! He always carries spices and stuff in his kit. Makes the MREs taste of something other than plastic. And Andy shot a mountain hare earlier....said he thought it was a sniper, ha ha! So there's some real meat on the menu tonight. We're working split shifts on guard duty, cos' of our night gear. Gonna' have to watch the battery situation though. Something else for our shopping list along with spare parts for AlphaM8!

Miss you Chris.....so much sometimes it hurts, guess that's love. Stay safe!

**Sunday, March 24th 2013:**

All quiet through the night. Right now we're all packed and ready to move out on the word. Command wants us to maintain the momentum of our advance.

To see the sunrise from the top of this mountain in the morning was awesome. After all the recent combat. In the countryside and towns now behind us, in the mines and mountain slopes below. To take in this view made me feel like I was King of all I surveyed. Ha! That sounds like Lord of the Rings.....Hmm, I don't suppose you've read that have you? Too busy being a real hero....You'd have to be Aragorn. He was the team's leader. Me, Legolas the elf perhaps? He was good with a bow...and arrow, not a BOW! Finn is definitely a hobbit, with his furry feet! Oh God, I'm rambling....must be the altitude, sorry. Well it's all down hill from here on I guess......Oh, we're moving out. Catch you later Captain.

Fought our way down to the foothills were we've made camp for the night. It was slow going today. Coming down is just as hard as climbing up! Bastards used mortars to try and start avalanches as we made our way down. But they seem to be on the retreat. There's no cohesion. And thankfully there’s been no BOW activity so far.

**Monday, March 25th 2013:**

Moving through the low hills today. Mopping up small groups of ELA as we go, but we're spread pretty thin in this terrain. Not enough depth for my liking. An organized force could punch through our lines easily, especially with BOWs. Thank God the ELA and the mercenaries aren't organized then!

**Tuesday, March 26th 2013:**

We reached the lowlands midday. Some sniper fire and IEDs. Again, the ELA is just trying to slow us down. We're now camped a little way off the main road into a town called Zajek. The road is busy with refugees. It's the first time we've seen them. A chaotic column of cars, people with hand-carts, horses, mules. All laden with children, suitcases, food; whatever they could pick up. The Army had to check them all, in case any bad guys were trying to slip out with them. So sad, seeing all the frightened faces. Your heart goes out to them, it's not their war. We're providing perimeter guard for our camp. The Army tries to keep the BSAA away from the locals. Not sure why. Politics perhaps? Go figure.

We got re-supplied late afternoon, just before it started getting dark. Looks like Zajek will be our next destination. I'm dog tired, gonna catch some Z's. Take care.

**Wednesday, March 27th 2013:**

It's 4 am; Finn's just played the 3D brief from Command. They have Intel that a platoon+ size group of ELA and mercenaries are holed up in the town. Apparently the Edonian Army captured an ELA sentry last night. He told them they have supplies of the super-soldier drug.....he means C-virus. We've been tasked with a _Lovac-Ubica_ mission, the hunter-killer one, so we're preparing for J'avo and Napads. It could get hairy.

**Thursday, March 28th 2013:**

No entry.

**Friday, March 29th 2013:**

We left Zajek today. It was.......let's just say it was bad. Once they knew they were surrounded, all the ELA injected themselves. Mostly J'avo, but a dozen or more Napads as well. They used most of the Napads to keep us at a distance. It took us a while to eliminate them. Then we had to engage the J'avo in hand-to-hand combat to clear them out, only to find they'd got some Napads in reserve!

We're all beat-up and pretty drained. We thought this might have been the final battle. I've been pushing the guys hard this last week, they've been pushing themselves. Like we thought if we gave it our all, it would be over. But it isn't, not if Command is to be believed.

These prolonged combat ops are not what we've trained for. Physically we're equipped; all that stamina training you devised has paid off. But mentally it's been tough on everyone. You can see and do horrible things over a couple of days, a week tops. But when it's continuous it saps your spirit, and then you can get careless. That's when you need inspiration. I try and provide it, but I know I don't match-up to you. Problem is you're _my_ inspiration.....and you're not here. Where the fuck are you Captain? I never dreamt you'd be gone this long.......sorry; no point me getting angry, I know it's not your fault. It's just the frustration. We all feel it. Suck it up Nivans!

We met up with Bravo and the other Euro teams on the other side of town this evening. We're billeted in a sports centre or gym, something like that. But there was little sense of achievement or rejoicing. It was hard to recognize some of the other guys. They all look the same. Pale, drawn faces. Hollow eyes, white against the dirt and grime. You're in my prayers tonight Chris, hope we're in yours.

**Saturday, March 30th 2013:**

I'm back in Majdabor again. Our new base for Ops. Clearing Zajek was meant to be final push against ELA, but they weren't there in numbers. Either they slipped away before we joined up with the other teams, or the numbers were wrong to start with. We had so hoped the fighting would be over for good this time. But it's too easy for the ELA to disperse amongst their followers in the general population. Damn them!

On the plus side I can't believe how good it feels to shower and sleep in a proper bed! My hair's a mess. I'll have to find a barber soon! Finn's busy showing AlphaM8 off to the other BSAA teams. The others are just chilling, playing cards, smoking, drinking. There's only so many times you can clean your weapons and kit!

Accommodation is pretty tight here with all the teams together now, so we're sharing large dormitories. No privileges for rank! I know you'd approve. But there's no privacy either, like when I'm writing this diary up. I just put on 'the face' and people leave me alone....Ha!

**Sunday, March 31st 2013:**

We've been granted leave, but only if we stay in Edonia. I'm gonna' try and get a direct flight back to the capital. Things are easier now we've regained the central plain and mountains. The boys are coming too, they know I'm gonna' resume my search and they wanna' help. Andy and Carl reckon there'll be more opportunities for R&R in Edonia City. I think they mean well-stocked bars and clubs!

I'm gonna try and keep a room there. I wanna' have a base in the capital for as long as possible whilst I'm looking for you. It's got more reliable communications and it's easier to keep in touch with my contacts from there.

There's some birds just arrived, dunno' where from. I'm gonna' see what's up. I'll catch you later Chris....


	5. April 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April proves to be a momentous month for all concerned. As the Edonian civil war finally comes to an end, the BSAA prepare to return home. Piers suddenly realises that very soon he will be on his own, but he remains determined to carry on his search for Chris, even at the cost of leaving the BSAA.

**Analog**

**A personal record by Lt P. Nivans, Alpha Team SOU, BSAA NAB**

**Monday, April 1st 2013:**

Hello Chris. I managed to get a flight back to Edonia City yesterday. Alone, there was only 1 seat available. The boys will follow-on later today. There's been so much to catch up on. I made calls to Mom and Claire. I probably woke them up given the time difference. It's been 3 weeks since we spoke, but it feels even longer. Mom says Hi. She wants us all home. The civil war here only rates a second or two on the news back home now, if that. It's becoming forgotten. But she knows how things are; it was the same when Pa was away. Claire still thinks it's hilarious you've got involved with Edonian criminals. I, um, I said I didn't think it was anything to laugh about. She said if she didn't laugh, she'd cry. She's so like you, puts a brave face on things. She sends her love.

Spent the afternoon finishing my reports.....ugh! Everyone want's a report, Command, Major Valentine, that Quint Cetcham guy. Apparently he couldn't understand Finn's report about AlphaM8.....guess I'll have to translate it for him. Jeez, Finn was in combat at the time, fighting J'avo. Why should he know about beam patterns, frequency scatter and wavelength attenuation? Fuck, what do any of us know? I don't need this crap! The damn thing works, that's what's important....There, report finished!

The boys are back. God, they all look so tired! I've ordered a 'relaxing' night. They can let their hair down, if they have the energy. Actually I wouldn't be surprised if all they do is sleep.....tbh I wouldn't mind either, I'm cream crackered. That's Cockney Brit speak for knackered. Stay put Captain, our search begins again tomorrow.

**Tuesday, April 2nd 2013:**

Oh, my head! And that friggin' alarm clock didn't work again. I'm not sure there's any beer left on base. Andy staged a remarkable recovery last night, and so did Carl of course. Ben and Finn were shamed into joining in.....actually I think Andy ordered them. So Dave and I had to show willing. The Edonian guys have drinking songs, like the Euro Teams. We don't do that really back home....but we sang some Elvis and songs from Top Gun and Officer and a Gentleman. They sounded much better as the night wore on, ha, ha!

Feeling much better now after some strong coffee, you'd approve, the stuff here bites! I got the boys together for brunch. We decided we need to understand your probable occupation and lifestyle. i.e., working for hoodlums, drinking, brawling.....er, sorry Captain. Anyway we thought that although you may be drinking, you also have to stay physically fit to work, as a bodyguard or hired muscle. And if you're gonna be paid, you'll have to be mentally alert too. At least whilst you're working. So we think you might be using a gym, to keep fit. So we need to locate those. And we also wondered where the gangs live. Do they have their particular districts? So I'm gonna' check with Petar.

We spent the afternoon starting to check out some gyms and martial arts places in the eastern sector of the capital. They're very popular here and there are a lot of them. Something to do with the high ‘young male’ unemployment rate. We all split up, handing out your poster, talking to the instructors. Some were helpful, but others were very suspicious. People are wary of anyone asking questions whilst the war is on; especially foreigners. Negative results so far. Although there are a lot of bearded men in Edonia, there are very few of your build. You should stand out if you are here. Haven't heard back from Petar yet; the boys and I will continue our search tomorrow. Sleep tight Chris.

**Wednesday, April 3rd 2013:**

An early start this morning. We covered more gyms and sports centers today, to the north and south. But without results. We got back to base feeling somewhat disheartened. Where the hell have you got to? My biggest worry now is that you’re not in the city anymore. I really need that information from Petar on where the gangs hang out. I told the boys to relax tonight. I'm meeting up with Captain Nedovic later. I want to check out the supply situation if we're gonna' be based in Majdabor from now on. He's been very helpful to us whilst we've been here; I hope we get the same service there.

**Thursday, April 4th 2013:**

Everyone was feeling tired today. Not so much physically, but mentally. The past few weeks are catching up with everyone. We made some more enquires in town this morning, still nothing dammit! We came back to base lunchtime and saw some of the army guys out on the sports field, so I declared an impromptu sports afternoon. Rounders, soccer, Finn found a spot to demo AlphaM8. It was just what the team needed. I can't push them all the time like I would myself; it wouldn't be fair. They all miss you, deeply, but for me it's personal, and they know that. But even Andy said I needed to pace myself....and you know what a hard-bitten SOB he is!

Oh, the results? We won the rounders, just, failed miserably at five-a-side soccer, but we slayed 'em at murder ball! The drinking competition is still ongoing. I thought I'd probably hold the team back, ha, ha! So I came back to my room to finish today's entry. Better go and check on the guy’s progress. Take care Chris, know that you're loved and missed.

**Friday, April 5th 2013:**

Hi, no one can remember who won last night, so we decided it was an honorable draw. I let the boys sleep in whilst I prepared another batch of posters and took a call from Petar. He was a bit cagey over telling me the whereabouts of known gangs. Just gave me some vague localities. I think he's worried about the BSAA intruding on civil police operations. That, or he just doesn't know. Either way it's a bummer. I get so frustrated, but I suppose we can't go barging into those sorts of areas on our own. We concentrated on visiting gyms and sports clubs in the areas he indicated today. Nothing, just me getting more frustrated. Ben was with me and he calmed me down when I started to get pissy. He's such a great guy, solid, steady.

This evening I got a call from Major Valentine. I gave her an update, I think she must have sensed my frustration. "These things take time Piers, trust me, I speak from experience" I asked her what would happen once the conflict was over; if I could I carry on the search? She said "We'll have to wait and see Piers. Do your duty when called, and search when you can." I said it's not just for me, but for the BSAA too, Chris is important to us all. She replied "I know, you still have my support, but it's not my decision. Be patient." Then I asked her about Finn's medal, and I think she sighed. "Like I said Piers, be patient. You'll be placed on standby very soon, get the team ready to roll from Majdabor. That's your priority for now. Understood?" Yes Ma'am.

I must go and tell the guys to get ready, catch you later Captain.

**Saturday, April 6th 2013:**

We're now back in Majdabor. We were put on 48 hours notice early this morning whilst still in Edonia City. So the boys cleared out their rooms, packed their gear and we took a transport plane here just after lunch. I managed to keep the room at the Edonia base, so that's a relief. We're pretty busy right now, checking our stores and kit. Can't stop.

**Sunday, April 7th 2013:**

Wow, another busy day! Joint Edonia/BSAA briefing first thing this morning, looks like we're heading east again. It's largely industrial out that way, and mountainous. Not much Intel on BOWs, but there have been reports of Neo Umbrella operatives in the area, so we can expect some action I think. We're now on 12 hours notice. The boys are all tooled-up and raring to go. They think the sooner it's over the quicker they can get back home. Me? Well, you know what I think.

We've just been placed on 4 hour standby. Transport is assembling. Wish us luck, and stay safe yourself Captain.

**Monday, April 8th 2013:**

Hello Chris. Alpha's bivouacked off-road tonight. There's a gentle rain pattering on the tents. Is it raining where you are? I'm sat in the back of one of the jeeps; it's the only place I can get some privacy to write and not disturb the others. We've just finished our stint on guard and everyone else is trying to sleep.

I've just realized I didn't get to talk with you properly last week; like I promised. Our R&R went by so quickly. Ok, I'll get to the point. What did I want to discuss? Um, well it's about relationships, ours to be precise.....Oh crap! This is more difficult than I thought.....I mean we're not partners, only in a professional sense.......You may not even _want_ to be my partner.....er, physically. I mean here, in this diary, you are kinda'. But is that just fantasy on my part? Sorry, this is getting a weird. Well, whatever it is, it keeps me going, spiritually. That, and the knowledge I _will_ find you. But sometimes.......sometimes I feel a need for something physical, just to see me through. Something....someone....to hold onto. Companionship I guess you'd call it......Is that wrong? I hope you can understand.....Damn....I'm not sure I understand it myself! But I wanted you to know. I want to be honest....no secrets between us....Ok? Jeez, most of my life's been one big secret up to now. I don't want anything to spoil this chance.....Depending on your answer, I'm either gonna' be the happiest man in the world, or the biggest fool on earth. My future's bound up with yours, I've always sensed that. I might make mistakes Chris, but know that I _love_ only you....always have, always will.

**Tuesday, April 9th 2013:**

The column entered an industrial complex today. Command has no Intel at present, so we're sweeping through it methodically. We had some excitement when a Napad burst through our lines. It bowled Dave over as it made a break. Don't worry, he's Ok, Finn checked him over, nothing broken except his pride. I managed to put some shots into its back and it went down. Carl and Andy finished it off with RPGs. We don't know where it came from; probably a loner. At least it kept us on our toes!

Um, sorry about yesterday's entry, a bit gushy for you perhaps, but that's how it came out, so it must be true. You play your cards pretty close to your chest Chris. Damnit! I wish we could talk face to face. Sometimes I'm not sure if it’s your voice I'm hearing in my head, or just my wishful thinking. Gotta' try and keep myself grounded, focused, professional. It's hard, maintaining the image, always the cool, calm sniper, even under pressure. But you know all about that don't you?

**Wednesday, April 10th 2013:**

We continued clearing the complex today; starting just before dawn. We stumbled across a J'avo cell, eight of them. It all happened so quickly. No Intel, nothing, then wham! We were in the middle of a melee. I ache all over, we all do....Oh, for a long hot soak!

Wish I could perfect that back flip you do, but the side kick and round house are coming along nicely. It's pretty much instinctive for Andy, Ben, Carl and me. Dave and Finn still have to think, but their reactions are improving. I try and position them in between the others, so they've got some extra cover.

We are gonna' have so much helmet camera footage to review when we get back, not just us, all the teams. Gonna' be one hell of a task to collate....I might take a rain check on that one. Ha!

**Thursday, April 11th 2013:**

Entered the residential part of town first light. A classic SOU Op, the boys moving line ahead, me following over the rooftops....only one ~~thing~~ person missing. Came up against a small group of ELA/mercenaries who immediately took C-virus; so another close quarters fight ensued.

Alpha won, naturally! The rapid transformation into J'avo seemed to throw them off-balance, so we got in first. But I'm worried about Dave. He's not moving too well, although he says he's fine. If he becomes a liability I'll have him casevaced back to Majdabor, there's only so much Finn can do. Goodnight Chris

**Friday, April 12th 2013:**

Lunchtime. Mmm....meals in a bag. Yuk! Andy and Carl have guess the flavor competitions. Everyone gets blindfolded and has to guess the meal. Finn won, but then he likes them....go figure.

It's been a busy morning. Command came up with strong Intel on Neo-Umbrella operatives late last night. We set up an ambush first thing and sure enough we got them. A man and a woman driving a truck full of virus shit, the bastards! There were lots of C-virus ampuls, and other stuff which we haven't identified yet. We called our friends in the Clean-Up team to come and dispose of it. Some will go for analysis I suppose. I think it was a big haul. Less J'avo to fight, less lives ruined. Command, with their typical understatement, called it 'Significant' Ha! I thought we might meet up with Ana or Stefan having captured two Neo-Umbrella agents, but I didn't see them. Shame, it would have been useful to touch base about you. I expect they're busy elsewhere.

It's quiet tonight, we've just come off guard. Most of the guys are already asleep, think I'll turn in too. Goodnight Chris, sweet dreams.

**Saturday, April 13th 2013:**

Today we were on a _Tragaču_ mission. The seeker one where we flush out the bad guys for the Edonian Army, remember? Slow work, you gotta' be methodical when there's no specific Intel; and Command seem quiet today. We, well Finn, have been using AlphaM8. This is the ideal scenario for him. Finn's getting more proficient at flying him now, and he's taped the monitor onto the radio-control console, so he can see what's happening more easily. Quint Cetcham sent him a load of spares, so no more wobbly rotor. Finny said it was like Christmas! We didn't come across any BOWs thankfully. It could have been a different story if we hadn't got those damned agents.

Sorry, gotta' go. It'll be dark in a couple of hours, time to clear a few more blocks. Oh, there's a rumor going around that we've got a big briefing tonight. Andy and Carl swear they didn't start it....so it may be true. Ha!

**Sunday, April 14th 2013:**

We've been stood-down! People are coming out of their houses. It's eerily quiet in the town, no background 'chatter' of explosions and small arms fire. We've been put on 48 hours notice and ordered to return to Majdabor by Command. That was it, nothing else. So on the drive back we tuned in to the BBC World Service. Apparently the ELA asked for talks. There's a tenuous ceasefire and all non-Edonian units.....that's us I guess....are ordered back to their barracks as a sign of good faith. I wonder if that applies to mercenaries? Is it over? I hope to God it is. But if so, what are the implications? For you, for Alpha, for me? The good thing is that potentially I'm free to search for you now. The bad thing is what if Command wants me home? I won't leave you Chris, but I might have to leave the BSAA.

**Monday, April 15th 2013:**

Would you believe it, we're confined to barracks! Stuck here on base in Majdabor. I'm stir crazy already. If I'm not on Ops, I want to be out searching for you. It feels like I'm being punished. Argh! The guys are giving me a wide berth, even Finn. It's not their fault, but I'm so frustrated. Ben tried to calm me down earlier, said it's not personal, everyone's in the same boat. But for me it is. Jeez this sucks! You could be doing God knows what and I'm forced to sit on my backside in this dump. If I clean my rifle any more it'll wear out. Command has been pretty quiet. "When we know something we'll tell you" Ha! Only when and if it suits them. I'm happy there are peace talks and all that, but if this lasts much longer I'll go AWOL!

Ok, rant over....sorry, you don't wanna' hear me whining. It's not all bad I suppose, everyone's been able to catch up with their nearest and dearest. Must take Andy a long time, ha ha! A girl in every bar in every town.... Claire's fine, sends her love. She told me to quit mopping and plan the next phase of my search. She's right, of course. Mom said much the same. She said I should do it with a sense of love, not just a sense of duty. I told her I tried to do that. She said to keep trying, _"You can do anything Piers, when you set your mind to it, that's just how you are son."_ I get my sense of duty from Pa, but I get my courage from Mom.

**Tuesday, April 16th 2013:**

Hi Chris. Someone must have heard me yesterday. We're still stuck in Majdabor, but now we're allowed out in civilian clothes. I told the boys to go soak up the local culture....on reflection that was probably a mistake knowing Andy and Carl. But Ben decided to stick with me....I think the team have appointed him my unofficial minder; cos' Finn didn't seem to object and he never goes anywhere without Ben....or Dave funnily enough. They're like the Three Musketeers these days. Dave had some heat treatment on his shoulder injury yesterday by the way....he says it's helping, so that's good. Ben and I went and visited Sava, the police lieutenant I met here before, remember? He went through the recent national police incident records with us, but we didn't turn anything up...Damn!

Later Ben and I joined Danilo and Luka, (the guys you beat up) on their patrol for the afternoon, which was kinda fun; and we all went out for a meal this evening. Dani and Luka like hearing about our exploits in the BSAA, particularly yours. I think they're a bit bored with police work. They hung on to every word Andy said, but Sava was more skeptical. Being older, he's got that cynicism many older policemen seem to have...a bit like all of us on Alpha. You'd have enjoyed it Chris. We all missed you, but we could feel your presence. Not in a weird way, like a ghost, but like you were looking after us somehow. Goodnight Captain.

**Wednesday, April 17th 2013:**

Yay! This morning they announced the end of hostilities! Are you celebrating where you are? I'm so pleased for this little country, for all the friends Alpha has made. You can be proud of your family Captain, they made their own contribution. All the BSAA did, and you too. Your leadership has always been felt, inspiring us all.

We're going back to Edonia City. The BSAA is going to stay on in the country, on standby, in case there are any further BOW outbreaks. Command hasn't said how long for yet, I think it's still under discussion between the Edonian Government and the UN. Perhaps now I can concentrate on my search more. I really hope so, it would be great if we all went home together. Sorry, gotta' go, there's a lot to organize all of a sudden, we're being flown back to the main base this afternoon. Catch you later Chris.

**Thursday, April 18th 2013:**

Um, Hi Chris, don't know what to say. There's me wanting to get back to looking for you and I volunteered Alpha for the first Outbreak Op that came along! Sorry. Perhaps I was thinking the sooner we do one, the sooner we can concentrate on searching. Either that or I'm turning into you.....er, not for the first time. The Edonians call the Ops _Izbijanje_. We got called out to a rural village in the north of the country. We have a dedicated bird, a Mil-8. It's old, but it manages to fly. The villagers had reported losing cattle and we tracked the culprit down to a small wooded area. A rogue Napad. Andy and Carl created a diversion and I got some shots into its back with Tophie from half-way up a tree! Dave finished it off with an RPG at close range. The Mil's big enough to carry a Clean-Up Team as well, so it's a pretty efficient tactic. Not our old friends Jack and his team, but a European one this time. Good guys, precise, professional. Carl coined a name for them....EuroTrash....I hope they find it as funny as he did, ha ha! They've challenged us to a competition tonight, I'm just off to join everyone......I hope it doesn't involve _Rakija_ , that stuff still haunts me!

**Friday, April 19th 2013:**

A quiet day. We spent it doing a muster of all our gear and ammo stocks. That way we can leave at a moments notice, just ordering stuff as we need. There's more flights into the base now operational restrictions have been lifted. I should be able to get around the country fairly easily in the future. But that's my big concern now....the future. We won't stay here indefinitely. There'll be other conflicts, other outbreaks around the world where the BSAA is required. Thing is, what do I do? When I joined I told you I was looking for a cause, looking to belong. And now you've personified that cause. Not just on a personal level, I truly believe you are important to the BSAA, not just by your inspiration, but through your organizational knowledge. You understand the politics, you're a founder, a lot of the BSAA is modeled in your image. So I believe you have to be found, whatever it takes, whatever the time or the cost. And I think that's my job for all those reasons and so many more. Finding you has become my cause, finding you helps the BSAA, and finding you helps Claire and the boys, finding you helps me, even if I am a poor third. I've done the math. I've got enough savings to stay here a year without pay. If I have to leave the BSAA so be it. I can always get some sort of job. I'm gonna' put a call in to Major Valentine this afternoon. I need to resolve this here and now. Wish me luck Chris, it's all for you.

Nothing! I can't believe it. The Major's not available. I only found that out when I re-sent the message asking for an acknowledgement. I guess she's busy, but this is important. What can be more important than finding you for fuck's sake! So help me I'll just walk out of here if something doesn't happen soon. I'll do it on my own. They can find a new ATL, there's dozens of potential candidates. There's only one Captain Redfield.

**Saturday, April 20th 2013:**

Well, I was all packed this morning, ready to go, when we got called on another _Izbijanje._ Some teenagers had found, and used, a batch of C-virus ampuls hidden in the same mountains we fought over recently. Just kids...now they're dead and their families torn apart. It's so tragic. This dirty little war may be officially over but it's still claiming innocent lives. God, I hate those bastards in Neo-Umbrella.

Sorry, I'm a bit angry over this. Didn't help to get back and find Major Valentine had left a message. I quote: _"I don't have time to deal with truculent Lieutenants right now. Be patient Piers, that's an order. Things may look different tomorrow."_ Me! Truculent! What the hell does she mean? Patience my ass! What can be more important than finding you...huh? Tell me that! I'm gonna find you Chris, with or without Command's help. Stay put, don't you dare move....

Hang on, someone's at the door....there's a flash signal in, sorry, gotta' go.

**Sunday, April 21st 2013:**

A Parade! Some BSAA General's visit today, that's what the signal was about. We don't do parades, so we just lined up in combat gear. Guess what? It was that French guy from Paris, the one I, er, _spoke to_ , about you. He made some speech, yaddah, yaddah, usual pompous stuff, then he reviewed us all, spoke to every soldier individually, which kinda' surprised me. When I introduced him to Finn he snapped his fingers and his ADC came up with a little box. Finn's Bronze Star! The General pinned it on Finn's chest, then 'kissed' him on both cheeks, the way the French do. Finn grabbed the General's head and kissed him back......full on the lips! Ha ha ha! It was hilarious. Boy I needed a laugh after the last couple of days. Finny was so happy, he'd no idea. The guys piled on top of him to congratulate him. Even the General smiled. So our rookie is now wearing his first medal and the silliest grin I ever seen him with. I wish you'd been there to see it, but I think we got some official pictures. I'll get you a set.

Afterwards all the O's had to attend a reception in the Officer's Mess. Not my idea of fun, drinking gin and making small talk. The ADC came over and took me to the General. He looked at me quizzically, weighing me up. _"Ah, the impetuous Lieutenant Nivans. You have been much talked-about in Command lately. We, the BSAA, shall be returning to our homes soon. Probably next month. You, however, have been granted a stay in Edonia. One month, to find Captain Redfield. You will be based in the European Union Offices in the city, ostensibly as a liaison officer, but your mission is clear."_

He must have noticed me smiling, cos' he smiled too. _"Do not think we don't care in Command. But these things have to be done properly, there are channels, processes. One day, perhaps, you will understand the politics, but for now, go and find your Captain....."_ He put his hand out. _".....et bonne chance Lieutenant."_

Now I've got Finn's silly grin too.....I'm on my way Chris, I'm on my way!

**Monday, April 22nd 2013:**

The boys all had sore heads today; after celebrating Finn's medal and the end of the conflict last night. I spent the evening chatting to Rob Ellis. He's the most senior SOU Captain here now, after you, and he said to let the boys have their night, but he wanted all the SOUs and Clean-Up teams mustered first thing in the morning for a field briefing. So I put the word around. Amazingly everyone showed up, I think it's because I used my Captain's voice, ha, ha! This is what he said...

_"I'll keep this briefing short. I understand some of you are a little fragile today, so I'll also keep it simple. Don't think about it, just act on it. Imagine it's coming from Captain Redfield._

_We're entering into our last few days here in Edonia. And all the time the Edonian authorities want us to conduct Izbijanje Ops, we will. This is not a holiday, understand that. I'm telling you to stay frosty. Do not relax because we're going home in a week or so. I don't want any losses due to carelessness or the 'I've got this far so I must be invulnerable' mentality. We're all family in the BSAA. Look out for your buddies. If you think they're goofing off tell them, forcibly. If they don't listen, tell your CO."_

He let that sink in.

_"We're still in a war here people. So stay sharp, stay professional, and above all, stay alive! I will not countenance taking people home in body bags at this stage of the conflict. We've suffered too many casualties as it is. Do I make myself clear?"_

Then he stared hard at everyone, just like you would have done, making sure the message had got home.

_"….Good, then I don't need to say it again. To your duties ladies and gentlemen, good luck, stay alert...and God bless...."_

I closed my eyes and it was you saying those words. Then I heard our names!

_"....Just one more thing. Two soldiers will not be going home with the rest of us next week. Captain Redfield and Lieutenant Nivans. One is looking for the other, not sure which..."_

That got a big laugh….

_"....We wish them both luck, and a safe and speedy return to their families."_

....and that got an even louder _'Hooah!'_....which is when I teared up!

In the afternoon the Air Brigade started to stage out. We were all kept pretty busy helping them load stores and ordnance. People kept coming up to me and patting me on the back and wishing me luck. It got embarrassing! I'd better find you now or I won't be able to show my face back at base. Ha, ha, ha! Goodnight Captain, you're in all our thoughts.

**Tuesday, April 23rd 2013:**

Got to meet Ana and Stefan for an update today. Edonian Military Intelligence is still continuing its search for ELA and Neo-Umbrella operatives. I explained, as afar as I understand it, my new role as liaison officer with the EU. They thought it was a great idea. We kicked around some thoughts on continuing the search, but for now we'll keep things as they are.

Sorry, kinda' busy tonight, Major Valentine has suddenly asked me for a detailed confidential report on the pros and cons of working with the Edonian Police and Military Intelligence. I've no idea why, I'm just doing what the Major says! Sleep tight Chris.

**Wednesday, April 24th 2013:**

No Entry

**Thursday, April 25th 2013:**

No Entry

**Friday, April 26th 2013:**

Sorry, it's been a while. Alpha has been on a big _Izbijanje_ Op. A mining company had re-opened their workings after the war. It got flooded during the fighting and they needed to pump it out. The miners came across a group of J'avo and lost a lot of men so we had to go clear them out. It was pretty grim. We had lighting up until the last few galleries where the J'avo had holed up. We tried to tease them out, slotting them one at a time, till they wised up. Then they retreated into a dead-end, they wouldn't budge and I wasn't going to risk a melee in the dark. The rest of us gave covering fire to Dave and Finn as they laid some charges. It was a bit hairy for them, but they succeeded. We fragged 'the J'avo, then blew the entrance to the gallery to seal them in. Later we did a more thorough job. We left the miners with the army guys to permanently seal the gallery off, just to make sure.

We're all whacked and in need of a shower, a hot meal and bed; whichever comes first to be honest. I'll de-brief and report tomorrow.

**Saturday, April 27th 2013:**

It was gone lunch by the time we finished our de-briefing. Then I headed into the city to check the various police stations we've worked with during our search. The boys insisted on coming along too. I saw Petar, he was less than helpful. He want's us out of Edonia now the ceasefire's in place. I think I'm gonna' have to find another police contact. Sava perhaps; or maybe I'll meet someone in my new job next month. It's a shame, he's been very useful up till now...shit happens doesn't it?

**Sunday, April 28th 2013:**

I was up early and went to the little church. Finn joined me, and Dave surprisingly. I think they both wanted to say a prayer of thanks after their experiences in that mine. I have to keep reminding myself they're still both rookies. They don't look it anymore; their getting that same hard-edged look the others have. None of us will go back the same as we came, that's for sure.

I planned a day off for boys. They're tired and anxious to get home. But they still wanted to help me; so we all went down to the soup kitchen to lend a hand. The organizers said they're still very busy. Just as they were before the war. People think because it's over, so is the poverty and unemployment, but it isn't. I hope you're managing to stay properly fed Chris. I hope it's not all....well, um, 'nuff said, you know.

**Monday, April 29th 2013:**

What a hectic day! Sorry, we've been so busy, no time to search. Packing stores, the whole remaining BSAA contingent. Alex, Captain Nedovic, has been a great help.

Fuck! We've just heard a whole load of our stuff is in Majdabor, mixed up with Edonian Army stores. We're both flying there tonight to sort it out. Sorry, gotta' go.

**Tuesday, April 30th 2013:**

Phew, spent most of the day in the stores depot and armory. We finally managed to sort out what was whose. Big plus was I managed to contact Sava and tell him about the liaison job. At least he sounded pleased, so that's something. Alex and I are flying back tonight.

It's very, very late. Came back to some big news, I had to tell you. The boys are all going back Thursday. Tomorrow is a big public holiday here....Mayday, so the Edonians didn't want it disrupted. It's only just beginning to sink in. I don't know how I'll cope without them, honestly. Only you and me from now on Captain. God, I hope I find you soon, I hope......shit, cologne time again.....


	6. May 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's May, and Piers finds himself, and his faith tested. The boys from Alpha have returned to the USA; leaving Piers alone and vulnerable. Will a trip to western Edonia restore his spirits; will his persistence pay-off? "When it's hard to do, that's when you know you're on the right track." C. Redfield.
> 
> Thanks C.! N. :)

**Analog - May 2013**

**A personal record by Lt P. Nivans, Alpha Team SOU, BSAA NAB**

**Wednesday, May 1st 2013:**

May Day. It's been quiet on base; all the celebrations are in the city. There was a military parade there, but we weren't asked to take part. Already the Edonian politicians are re-writing their history....and we are not part of it. Not that we really minded. The people we've met in the little towns and villages know the real story and are grateful. The boys have been making last minute calls home. Otherwise it's been a time for reflection, remembering fallen friends....and you. A strange mixture of happy and sad feelings. Finn said we're all dressed up with nowhere to go. Bless him, he's always cheery. But for most of us it felt like an anti-climax, ya' know? We stayed up all night, talking, drinking. No one could sleep.

**Thursday, May 2nd 2013:**

The boys have gone. I ran to the edge of the runway and saluted as the aircraft left, then I waived until it was out of sight. I've never felt so alone as when I walked back to my room. Sorry Captain, can't talk more today, I'm too choked up.

**Friday, May 3rd 2013:**

It was a restless night. I slept in this morning, just couldn't get motivated. Didn't even wanna' write today. I have to face truth; I may never find you Chris. I don't sense you've gone, but nothing seems right anymore. I feel adrift in a big empty sea. It's cold and it's gonna' eat me up, suck me down into it's deep, black, belly......Oh fuck......I don’t think cologne is gonna’ be enough this time.

**Saturday, May 4th 2013:**

I was sat alone for breakfast this morning; the base is half-empty now with the BSAA gone. To be honest, it suited me. I didn't feel much like company. Which is why I was less than enthusiastic when Alex came and sat next to me. _'You look sad_ , he said. _Come, I have something to show you. It will put a smile back on your face.'_ He took me to one of the hangars where the MT section is based and led me into a dark corner at the back. _'There, what do you think?'_ he said. What? I replied. Some old Russian jeep covered in dust and rust was sat in front of us. _'You will need transport Lieutenant, to find your Captain. Here it is. I also have overalls and a tool box.'_ Why? I asked stupidly. _'Because it doesn't go yet',_ he said simply.

I always wanted a resto job one day. A Dodge Charger pick-up perhaps? No, an El Camino, they're really cool. Never thought I'd be doing it in a hangar in Edonia though! By the evening it was running. Alex helped me. I could have kissed him.....Um, well, I did......I've named it _Hristofor_ by the way, painted it on the door. Yeh, I know, I'm sad.

I've asked Alex back for a drink later, he deserves it. I'm so grateful; he's trying to get me out of this dark mood. But is it all too late? I need a sign Chris. I need you, telling me what to do.

**Sunday, May 5th 2013:**

This morning I went to the little church early. Seeking advice or reassurance perhaps; I'm not sure really. At the end of the service the old priest came over and talked to me. He recognized me from before. I explained how everyone had gone. That I was on my own now, no longer sure if I would ever find you. That I felt so alone and despondent. He listened patiently and then thought for a while. ' _You're at your weakest now. You are being tested and tempted. You must find the strength from within, and from God.'_ I explained about all the places I'd looked for you, all the false alarms and raised hopes, all the failures. He smiled wisely _'Then take the Lord's advice my son, and cast your net on the other side.'_ I asked him what he meant. _'You wish to find your Captain. The Lord was a fisher of men. He knew what to do.'_ He patted my hand, made the sign of the cross, and then left me to my thoughts.

When I got back there was a signal in from Major Valentine, it must have come in the night. She said her best advice for my 'liaison role' (her quotes) in the month ahead was to stick with the military. The BSAA had high-level contacts within the Edonian Army, very few with the Civil Police; and the politicians were too busy sucking up to the European Union. If I got into trouble, the army was my best bet. She also said I was not to feel under any obligation 'to the EU' in this new role. It was merely a convenient cover, nothing more. Huh? I'm still trying to read between the lines, I haven't got the hang of all this politicking. Alex is coming around later; he's my best contact in the army locally. I'll ask him what he thinks.

**Monday, May 6th 2013:**

Oh Chris, I hope you can forgive me. The old priest was right, I was tempted, and I made a complete idiot of myself. Shit....this is so hard to explain, especially to someone who's not there. The truth is Alex stayed last night. And I wanted him to. I've been so desperate for company Chris. And he looks so much like you did once. But when it came to.....well, I couldn't. I kept thinking what the priest had said.....and I couldn't do it. I wanted to dammit! I wanted to feel safe, in someone's arms, to be loved and reassured. But a voice inside me kept saying No Piers, this isn't the way to find me.....it was your voice, I swear....so I asked Alex to leave, like a red-faced schoolboy....all dressed up and nowhere to go. It's you I want, I know that now. I think I've always known that, but somehow I'd forgotten along the way. I'm sorry.

I'm not sure if Alex understood all that happened last night, I'm not sure I understand all of it myself. But he sat down with me at breakfast today. He seemed Ok. Perhaps he thinks I'll change my mind....but I won't....not now. I've been a fool Captain, but at least I know what I have to do now. And I realize what the priest meant about casting my net the other side. So far I've concentrated on the eastern half of Edonia. Now I need to look west. I'm sure that's what he was telling me.

Sorry, gotta' go; see what this new job is all about, I'll tell you when I know more myself. I don't care really; I know what I must do now. You're the key.....to everything.

I went to the EU building. No one seemed to know who I was, or why I was there. Eventually I saw two guys in uniform. A French Army Captain and a British Lieutenant. I showed them my orders. The Captain just shrugged his shoulders and left the Lieutenant to deal with it. I explained my story, said I needed an office, computer, comms. He said he didn't know if he had them himself; thought I'd be better off staying on the Edonian Army base. I agreed. He said he'd get his boss to write a letter requesting the army's help for his 'BSAA Liaison Officer'. We drafted something there and then. Then he went off; told me to wait in reception. He came back an hour later, with a formal letter. The Lieutenant said a weekly report would be useful. _'Just in case anyone asks.'_ We exchanged contact details and shook hands. He wished me luck and that was it. So, here I am, back on the base in charge of myself. I need to take stock and formulate a plan. I've updated Major Valentine and asked her to look at funding, for my keep here, fuel for the jeep, etc. I'll pay for it all myself if necessary! I also asked her for some comms equipment from the European Branch. I'm gonna' set up my own shop here. SOA Piers Nivans at your service Captain, specialist in missing persons!

**Tuesday, May 7th 2013:**

Good morning Chris, I hope you're Ok. I feel much better now; I've sorted myself out, hopefully! I'm clear about what I have to do. Gonna' spend the day taking stock of my resources, my contacts. And look at the ground I need to cover. Check out where the military and police units are in the west. Update Ana, Stefan and Sava......and Alex. I need his help this end, if he's still willing. Only one way to find out.

My friendly Brit Lieutenant sent an EU travel permit this afternoon. I'm now classed as an EU Military Attaché and permitted to carry a hand gun. Wow! That was welcome news; I never thought I'd hear from him again. And Alex was alright I think; we've agreed to keep things professional from now on. I should have done that from the start, I shouldn't have encouraged him. I'm still learning Chris, but no more mistakes, I promise. I've got four weeks; so just do one thing for me. Wherever you are, stay put dammit!

**Wednesday, May 8th 2013:**

Hi Chris. It's been a busy day, haven't stopped since I got up! Been planning a roughly circular route around the western-half of Edonia. I want to establish another set of contacts with the police and military there, like I've done in the east. I touched base with Stefan and Sava, and together with Alex we planned a 6 day round trip. So I get to visit 5 major towns; _Sabak, Novi-Gad, Eskavar, Pecja_ and _Kakasc_. They all have some military or police connection, and Alex got me booked into various establishments for each of the 5 nights. I copied my itinerary to Major Valentine and that Brit Lieutenant in the EU office, as well as Stefan, Ana and Sava. Got my Command link active and my mobile for comms. Setting off at first light. _Hristofor_ is fueled-up, hope he starts. Ha! Plus I printed off a load of 'missing' posters. So I'm all set. Not building my hopes up too much this time, trying to keep more level-headed. So I'm not expecting to find you, though that would be fantastic of course! I just wanna' make new contacts in a new area, do the ground work, ya know? I hope the old Priest's advice works. Still, I've gotta' good feeling about this, haven't felt this optimistic for a while. Wish me luck, and stay safe Chris.

**Thursday, May 9th 2013:**

Another busy day. I fueled myself up with a big breakfast, and set off around 08:00. _Hristofor_ started third, or was it fourth, time. Ha, ha! He doesn't like the cold mornings. But one thing about these old Soviet jeeps is they have great heaters, so I was Ok. I wore my civvies, everyone thought that was best. But I put my BSAA badge on my jacket and wrapped my shemagh around my neck. For good luck! Seems odd with no one riding shotgun, or the boys chatting in the back. But at least I feel in control. Yeh I know, the OCD thing again. There were still quite a few roadblocks along the way, but my paperwork seems to be holding up. I've collected pages of official stamps though!

Today's stop was _Sabak_. I checked into my accommodation first, an Army Staff College. It was an old military base, originally built to protect the western approach to Edonia City. A strange mix of eager young recruits (nothing like a war to boost recruitment.) and old instructors. All the experienced guys had been put on active duty. Still, they made me welcome. They have a small Military Police unit, with an Intelligence Officer attached, so I made contact with him. Explained the situation with you. He seemed to think it was very exciting, wanted to hear all about the BSAA's experiences. Anyway, he's gonna keep an eye and an ear open for me. Told me my best bet was with the police in the town, gave me his contact there.

Spent the afternoon with the police. We went through the incident reports since last December, but nothing came up. Handed out some posters, then visited the local gyms, job centers, that sorta' thing. I think this will become my regular routine for the next few days.

**Friday, May 10th 2013:**

Drove north to _Novi-Gad_ this morning. Staying in another training college. This time a civilian police one. _NG_ is north-west Edonia City, and to the west of where we were fighting in late January. Jeez, that already seems a lifetime ago. I spoke to some of the technical staff about the state of non-military communications after civil war. They're still poor. Since sighting or incident reports are not usually highly classified, they suggested using e-mail or phone if urgent. We then had a discussion on what would be considered urgent. I believe my priority is real time info, within 24hrs say. There are so many things to think about, with more being added everyday.

Local visits in the afternoon. More contacts on my list, but again, no leads. I had a meal in a little restaurant in the evening, when I'd finished checking the local scene. A delicious lamb stew. Mess food is filling, but pretty tasteless! Looks like I was right about this trip not providing any hard evidence of your whereabouts. But I'll keep at it. It's new ground, gotta' do the spadework. Ha, ha!

**Saturday, May 11th 2013:**

_Hristofor_ and I headed south-west to a seedy garrison town called _Eskavar_. It's on border with Eastern Slav Republic and roughly due west of Edonia City. Staying in a big army base on the edge of town. This part of the border has always been fluid, fought over for the last five hundred years, and before that probably. Can you believe it? So it's a very sensitive issue in these parts. A decent Intelligence set-up here, with good contacts in the local police. It's on a smuggling route. Since the ESR joined the European Union there's been a growing trade in illicit goods both ways apparently. Might be something you'd get involved in, but once again nothing showed up in the police files. If you've gone over the border into the ESR you could be anyplace by now. But then again you could have slipped out of the country anywhere, anytime, since December. I have to trust my gut instinct you haven't gone far. Beyond Edonia it's down to any local BSAA representatives to monitor and check possible sightings. Hmm, I must make sure that is happening. I'll talk with Command later, and Major Valentine. They're due an update from me anyways. Good night Chris.

**Sunday, May 12th 2013:**

Today I'm in _Pecja_. Another border garrison, in the _Slovako_ region. There's a strong separatist movement here who claim a different ethnicity to the Edonians. The Slovako Peoples Party. They remained largely neutral during the civil war, waiting to back the likely winner, but the truth, according to the Edonians, is that they supported the ELA. They have a regional parliament, and are likely to break away from Edonia any day now. The place feels tense, like it's about to explode. The Slovako's say they just want independence, and that the civil war wasn't their affair. The truth is somewhere in between I suppose...fucking politics! Still the police and military were helpful, although somewhat preoccupied. I had a dreadful thought, that you could have become a mercenary. It's possible, but from what I read on the causes and effects of PTA I think it's more likely you avoided any military activity. I believe that's what you were running from, not to. I'm relying on these 'snipey' instincts a lot aren't I? No pressure then Nivans!

Visited the MT section on the base late afternoon. Tomorrow is a long haul, over the southern mountains to _Kakasc_. I wanted _Hristofor_ to be A1. The guys laughed when they saw him, they said he should be in a museum! But they helped me out, fitted some more rugged tires for the trip and put in a new battery. They liked my 'quest' and wanted to do their bit. They said there might still be snow in the high passes, but elsewhere Spring is in the air. A time for rebirth and renewal. It would be so right to find you now. Uh-oh, cologne time.....haven't done that in a while. Take care Chris, miss you.

**Monday, May 13th 2013:**

5th and final night on this trip, headed back north-east towards Edonia to _Kakasc_ a base protecting the southern approach to the capital. It was a beautiful drive, up and over the _Stoboli_ Mountains near a place called _Kaponik._ It used to be a ski resort, but closed down during the civil war. The army guys in _Pecja_ were right. There was still a lot of snow and ice in the high passes and on northern slopes of the mountains. Good job they fitted those tires! _Hristofor_ performed wonderfully, like he had shiny new boots! I stopped at the highest point to take in the view. Like that morning back in March, when I felt King of all I surveyed, looking out over the northern mountains, remember? Being so alone and so insignificant in the middle of all the scenery seems to give me a better sense of perspective. I'm still that lonely sniper at heart I guess. I'm hoping you can help change that Chris, like I wanna' help you.

It's evening now and I'm just off to get a meal. I'll write more tomorrow. My 'snipey' senses are tingling....I think it's going to be a heavy night. I'll drink lots of milk, line my stomach. Ha, ha!

**Tuesday, May 14th 2013:**

I was right! It was a heavy night. Good job I'm only driving back to the city today! I'm only joking, I'll be checking out every 6ft 1 inch, 200lb bearded hitch-hiker I see along the way. (I'm guessing your weight, you've probably lost some, not too much I hope!)

Writing this over breakfast. So, yesterday. Well, the army base here at _Kakasc_ is fairly new, built to counter the unrest with the Slovaks in the south. It didn't see much action in the civil war, but the soldiers here did. A pretty seasoned bunch. Again, they liked my tale of the missing Captain and his dogged Lieutenant. The Edonians really enjoy their folklore and stories outside of the capital. So after I'd done the usual checks with Army Intelligence and the Police, and a scout around town, I spent the evening telling our story, plus some tales about you and Alpha. They were enthralled. Next thing the _Rakija_ came out...and they told me some of their ancient tales about warriors and Kings and Princes. We're in good company Captain.

It's late morning now and I'm just about to set off for the city. _Hristofor_ is good to go and so am I. I've made new friends and useful contacts this week. I'll write more tonight.

Back in the city, and I need an assistant! There were all sorts of messages and information waiting for me when I returned. It's made me realize I can't be out searching _and_ collate and process data at the same time. Is staying put and controlling things as worthwhile as searching? It doesn't feel like it, but it's probably just as necessary. I think I'll ask Major Valentine for her advice. I know you'd say get out on the road, do something positive! And that's what my heart says too. But my sniper's head says Control, Control!

Well Captain, I cast my net on the other side, but I'm not sure I caught anything yet. I began this week's trip full of confidence. I’ve gone full circle, and now I seem to be back where I started, physically _and_ metaphorically. Shit! One week down and I'm no further forward. Perhaps the old Priest's advice was wrong after all? Perhaps I'm hopeless at fishing? Something good needs to happen in the next three weeks Chris, for both our sakes.

**Wednesday, May 15th 2013:**

Three weeks left Captain, and after that I just don't know what's gonna' happen if I don't find you. Take all my R&R in Edonia? Leave the BSAA? Spend the rest of my life looking for you? What would you want me to do? You'd tell me to stay in the BSAA I think; carry on the fight against bioterrorism. But I've seen your file Chris. You spent years looking for clues to Major Valentine's disappearance. You didn't walk away; you didn't forget or just put it down to experience. And in the meantime, do I search or collate? I think I'll talk to Major Valentine this evening. She's got the experience....and she cares for you.....underneath that scary persona of hers!

Hi Chris. Spent the afternoon going round some of the homeless shelters in the city. Many people are drifting back to their homes in the former combat regions now, but there's still a lot who are permanently sleeping rough. I try not to feel too much, I'm there looking for you, but it's hard not to sometimes ya know?

Didn't get to speak to the Major this evening, she was in conference! So I sent a personal e-mail instead. I did speak to Claire and Mom though. Claire's fine, told me to tell you to hand yourself in now there's an end to the hostilities. She's so funny and upbeat. She always tries to cheer me up, but it was hard to laugh. Mom cut right through it of course, said she could tell I was depressed. She want's me home; it's been a long time since she last saw me. I had to stop her from flying over; she's got enough to worry about with my brothers and sister. I'm meant to be the eldest, all grown up and responsible now. So how come I always feel like a little kid when we speak?

Goodnight Chris….and take care.

**Thursday, May 16th 2013:**

Got a reply from Major Valentine overnight, a classified signal. She told me I gotta' do both; search and collate! Else why did the BSAA pay for my training as an SOA? She also said there was no one available in the NAB to help me at present. Apparently Neo-Umbrella is still a big headache. She said you weren't the only one missing. Those two people you helped, Agent Birkin and that friggin' mercenary? Seems they disappeared shortly after their helicopter was brought down by that BOW, the one with a gun for an arm and the bats as spotters. Then she said I can't tell you more, it's on a need to know basis, and right now you don't! Just hang in there and find him Lieutenant. How you do it is up to you. Those are your orders! Some help that was.

I was about to go into the city when Alex turned up. The comms equipment I asked for had arrived from the UK. Did I need a hand to set it up? You bet! They found me some room in the Comcen. Patching me into their radio network wasn't easy though. I woke Quint Cetcham up to get some help! It took us until late tonight to get it working. It's not high-level encrypted, but secure enough for my needs. Had to do a lot of work arounds to map onto the Edonian's systems. None of them are NATO standard, all ex-Soviet. Alex was surprisingly knowledgeable for a supply officer...I'm beginning to think that's a cover you know? Whatever, I wouldn't be here without him, and he seems fine after our, er, recent misunderstanding. I've been allocated one of Command's unused channels, so I've got much more flexibility now. Quint said I could now send myself messages.....um, not sure why I'd want to.....is he always a bit odd? He also said it's a shame you didn't take your command link when you left that hospital, would have saved a lot of bother. Well d'uh! Then he rambled on about subcutaneous transmitters like in some sci-fi film he'd seen. I've decided, he is weird. Damn I'm tired, gonna' crash....sleep well Chris.

**Friday, May 17th 2013:**

Time seems to be slipping by this week, I didn't ask Major Valentine for an extension, and probably just as well, she seems rather pre-occupied at the moment. You told me once it's best to let sleeping dogs lie, er, I'm sorry, excuse the analogy. Perhaps if I keep quiet, people might forget to ask me back.

Been going over the large map of Edonia I have on my wall, plotting where I've been, sightings and incidents. Perhaps I shouldn't have, there are more holes than anything, but the spread is pretty even all things considered.

I spoke to the boys this evening, felt the need for some friendly, familiar voices. They send you their best wishes. Andy says things are brewing back home. For real, not one of his rumors, Ben confirmed it. A lot of long-term plans have been put on hold or postponed indefinitely. Seems unlikely I can escape notice here after all. It was great to talk to them, but it's left me even more unsure of the way ahead. Goodnight Captain, from all of us.

**Saturday, May 18th 2013:**

Good morning. Made a decision; I'm gonna' ask Agent Alomar for assistance! I probably should have done it sooner. My fault, the lone-sniper thing again. Or foolish pride more like. Anyway, I'm gonna' send her a personal message. If ever I needed help, it's now. If I could get one person, just to collate information and man the comms this end, I could be free to get out and about, check sightings, and visit new areas. I hope I haven't left it too late.

Spoke to Sava today, just to see if anything new had come in on the police side. He's gonna' send me some stuff later, but there was nothing very interesting. Met up with Stefan and Ana in the City this afternoon. They're both back from the field now, busy interviewing various ELA members and mercenaries who have been detained. They thought it was good to maintain the contacts I made last week, even if only to say Hi. Edonians appreciate being remembered like that apparently. It helps to cement the friendship. And I get to jog their memories about looking for you, so it works both ways I guess. Trying not to think about the phone bill. Ha, ha!

**Sunday, May 19th 2013:**

Sunday, so I went to the morning church service. I've never thought of my self as particularly religious; but I know I wouldn't have coped over the last 5 months without it. I have faith, a belief, that you will be found. But sometimes I have less faith in my own ability to achieve that. Sitting down in the back of the little church seems to free-up my mind, like meditating. Is that what you're doing sometimes? When you sit quietly in the back of the aircraft returning from ops. Sorting things out in your own mind, filing the memories, or trying to forget them? You carry so much weight Captain. It's so palpable, I can feel it. I wish you'd share it with me, not bottle it up. It's my job, as your No. 2, to help you carry that load. And when you come back, that's how it's gonna' be. Ok?

As usual, after the service finished, the old priest asked how I was getting on. I told him I must have a hole in my fishing net. He said _'Look again my son. You are still being tested. Do you have faith?'_ I stammered, I don't know any more. ' _Then you have lost. I ask you again, do you have faith?'_ Yes. _'Then look again.'_ He blessed me, but before I could ask him what he meant, he'd gone. He's always so ambiguous, I'm never quite sure what he means. Should I re-visit the places, or the information?

Just turning in. I serviced _Hristofor_ this afternoon. In case I decide to travel again next week. Then I did a stint in the soup-kitchen in the city. Keeping physically occupied gives me time to think, trying to make sense of all the conflicting and confusing advice I've been given. From the Major, the Priest, the enigma that is you. Sleep well Chris, not sure I will......Ha!

**Monday, May 20th 2013:**

Nothing from Sheva Alomar yet. That's disappointing. Of course she might be on ops somewhere.....I tend to forget other people have their own lives to lead.....Anyway, I've decided the priest meant I should re-visit the information from the trip. _Eskavar_ keeps ringing a bell, but I can't think why. I'm gonna' go through everything I've got. I might find something that could be useful.

**Tuesday, May 21st 2013:**

Got it! I've been up all night pouring through my info. A place, described as near _Eskavar,_ was mentioned in passing by Petar as a possible criminal centre. I missed the connection at the time, he was so uninterested. But it explains why _Eskavar_ rang a bell, and it proves need for a collator.

I was just going down to breakfast when I got a call from Sava. _'Can you come to Majdabor?'_ When? _'Today! Danilo and Luka are holding a suspect. A smuggler they think is involved with those criminals from Edonia City. During questioning he revealed they brought some Eastern Slavs with them on a recent visit. Apparently one of their bodyguards fits your Captain's description. A man they called 'Pas Lutalica'. It means 'Stray Dog.' Perhaps you'd like to question the suspect yourself?'_ Believe it!

**Wednesday, May 22nd 2013:**

This is it Chris! The big break we needed! After all this time, I think I'm finally zeroing in on you. Isn't that fantastic.....fuck, I'm so happy! Let me tell you about it.

I'm in _Majdabor_. Flew up yesterday, in that old Mil-8. Sava picked me up and took me to the police station so I could question the guy last night. When they realized he was involved with a gang from the capital, Dani and Luka had the presence of mind to show him your 'wanted' poster. He seemed happy to talk; I think he's hoping for a deal. I spoke to him again this afternoon. He told the same story, so I'm pretty sure it's true. The gang from Edonia City brought their contacts from the Eastern Slav Republic, to show them the other end of the smuggling route.

The Eastern Slavs had a number of minders and body guards. One of whom fitted your last description, though less heavily bearded. Smoking and drinking, very aggressive. The others didn't talk much to him, but they called him _Justin_ to his face, and _Pas Lutalica_ , 'Stray Dog' behind his back. He barely spoke, but his hooded eyes took in everything. According to the suspect they were like laser beams, they went right through you when he stared! Ha! It is you Chris; I just know it, Yay! I'm so stoked!

The guy didn't know exactly where the Slavs were based. He assumed it was near the border. He said his people hired local muscle all the time, petty criminals and guys good with their fists...or a gun. He thought the Slavs would do the same. And that was it, not much more really. He asked why I was so interested, but Dani and Luka told him to mind his own business. Afterwards I talked to them and Sava about the smuggling operations and Petar's information. I wondered if there could there be connection with _Eskavar_? Sava said yes, it was close to one of main suspected routes, over the border. Who was behind it? That's the big question he said, they were only dealing with the _Majdabor_ end.

This is great news Chris! I can concentrate my search now; I'm pretty sure this was you. All my snipey senses are tingling. Fuck, all of me's tingling! The guy thought he was helping himself; he had no reason to lie to me; but that thing about the eyes. I've seen that look, sends shivers down my spine; and I'm on your side, Ha, ha! I need to get back to the Army base in Edonia City now and do some planning. Wish I had a definite location, but it's a lot better than trying to cover the whole country. Wherever you are, stay put Chris, Ok? May have said that before, well, quite a few times actually.....anyway, just wait for me huh? Then its home!

**Thursday, May 23rd 2013:**

No flight till tomorrow so I'm stuck here, damn! I hate every moment lost. Still it's given me a chance to think some more and have another talk with Sava. I asked him if there were any others held or suspect? And could I infiltrate the gang? He said no and no. This guy was their best lead in a while, that's why they were treating him gently. And he said I didn't look Edonian, or Slavic, whilst you could easily pass for a Slav....or a Russian, heh, heh! So I asked if the Police had any undercover agents in gang I could talk to? Not from here, you'd have to ask the Police in Edonia City. Organized crime has not been a priority for us here during the civil war. Which means I might have to talk to Petar; something I'd been hoping to avoid. That's gonna' be a problem. But if it means finding you I'll just have to suck it up. Keep safe.

**Friday, May 24th 2013:**

I'm back in Edonia City and more good news, I can hardly believe it! A signal from Agent Alomar.....

_"Piers, haven't you heard? Every branch has agreed to fund an agent. For as long as we can. They've been chosen for their skills and ability to blend into an Edonian environment. They're assembling in Paris this weekend; and are expecting you Sunday morning at the UN offices. You need to get there and brief them, with everything you've got._

_I wish I could be there too, but we're all on high alert. So please accept some advice from me instead. They are agents Piers, some of the BSAA's best. Let them do their job, quietly, covertly. You are their controller. You must decide where to position them, but leave the 'how and when' to them. If Chris is there, they will find him, be assured._

_Good luck! Sheva Alomar."_

Oh Chris, they haven't forgotten you, the BSAA! Um, sorry....cologne time.....

Jeez, that's better, ha, ha! Isn't that amazing? All this time I thought everyone had given up on you. Shit! I'd better get organized; I need to get to Paris. Talk to you later Chris.

**Saturday, May 25th 2013:**

_Bonjour_ Chris. I'm in Paris, didn't think I'd be here again, certainly not so soon. I missed the EU shuttle, so I gotta' flight via Prague. Hate these civilian flights, always hanging around, always delayed. Gimme' C-130 or a C-17 any day, preferably sat next to you.....and the boys. Managed to book a room in the UN offices for tomorrow's briefing. Have to admit I'm a little nervous; these are some of the BSAA's top agents. Can't afford to be as their Controller, but I think I'm gonna' run things like you do on Alpha, like a family. There's a lot to go through, I've tried to think of every possible requirement. The good thing is with the Command link set up I can now communicate with them 24/7.

Hope you don't mind, I'm gonna' treat myself to another steak dinner tonight. Wish I was ordering for two, ha, ha! Who knows? Perhaps I will be in a few weeks time. Sleep tight Chris, the cavalry is on its way!

**Sunday, May 26th 2013:**

Wow! What a day, my head's still spinning! Everyone was in place last night, so we started the brief first thing this morning. After the introductions, I gave them a run down on events since you disappeared. Your medical condition, sightings, possible occupations. I think it was important to set the scene. Good job I had this diary with me! Then we went on to discuss the area to be covered, our options for insertion, cover, just throwing ideas around.

We broke for lunch and chatted more informally, it was a good way to get to know one another better. Whilst I'll be their controller, I want them to communicate between themselves as well. I want them to be a team Chris, like Alpha. Family, not just work colleagues, ya know?

After lunch we continued, sorting out comms routines and schedules. The nuts and bolts of operating, rather than just ideas. I took Sheva's advice and let them lead the discussions. One of the team had a good question. If, as we suspect, you are suffering from PTA, how are we gonna' bring your memory back when we find you? I didn't have an answer right there and then. I'll have to re-read those medical books I was given. Shit, there's so much to think about, just when I thought I'd got it hacked, ha ha!

We carried on through into the evening. I cancelled my return flight; this was way too important. We now have a solid plan, clear objectives and the means. What can go wrong? Ha! I treated everyone to a late dinner, that's one good thing about Paris, there's always a good restaurant open.....and I didn't have anything to spend this month's pay check on anyways......Ouch! Ha, ha, ha!

As we parted I thanked them all and wished them success, not just from me, but from you too. I know you'd want that, this is the BSAA looking after its own. Whatever the politics and intrigue at the top, this is the real BSAA for me. Goodnight Chris, it won't be long now, I promise!

**Monday, May 27th 2013:**

Arrived back this afternoon, direct from Paris this time. There are more weekday flights into Edonia now things are slowly getting back to normal. Already one month since the war ended. Jeez, how the time has flown. Been busy updating people, Claire (she was thrilled, sends you hugs!), Major Valentine, and my EU contact (only in very 'general' terms). And I sent a big thank you from us both to Agent Alomar. But what to tell the Edonians? For now, that I'm just concentrating on the border area near _Eskavar?_ That's not a lie, only the fact that I've got help! Alex asked me where I'd been. I told him _Majdabor_ , checking out a sighting report, and Paris on EU business, which was kinda' true given my status.

I don't like deceiving people who've helped me; but that's the way the agents wanted things done. They told me not to expect to hear anything for a few days at least; which gives me time to read those medical books about PTSD and PTA again. And I'm still going through police and army reports as they come in. Wherever they're from, you never can tell.

I'm not gonna' enjoy this waiting game though. You know how intense I get when I've got my teeth into something.....wonder who I get that from? I'm not missing you so much now, it's more.....I dunno', its kinda' hard to explain......more anticipation, expectation. My pillows gonna' take a pounding tonight......Ooh.....sorry, getting carried away. Yeh, I'm blushing! Love you. And soon I'll be able to tell you in person.

**Tuesday, May 28th 2013:**

Went to the early morning church service. Someone I forgot to thank yesterday. Someone who's had more faith than I've had myself at times; the old priest. He listened quietly whilst I told him about the sighting in _Majdabor_ , and how it was leading me to _Eskavar_. He didn't seem surprised, like he already knew. Just said faith had its rewards. I like to think my senses are sharper than anyone's, but he has something I don't. A serenity, like he knows the future and it holds no surprises. I wish I knew our future Chris. I know what I want it to be. Question is, will you want the same? Ha! I'm getting a bit heavy, um, sorry. Let's find you first, then get you home, one step at a time eh?

This afternoon I drove to the military hospital to see the Doctor who gave me the books about PTSD and PTA. I needed to check with him that my understanding of your condition was correct. It seems to be a very delicate process, bringing someone out of PTA. And it's affected by lots of variables. I needed to know which were most likely, given the current mental and physical description I have of you, this _Justin_ guy. He said there wasn't much to go on. Normally it would happen in clinical conditions, without any time constraints. I'm not sure if that will be possible given we're 'in the field' so to speak. He told me that 'triggers', the action or actions that break the PTA can take many forms. Visual, audio, dialog, reading, stuff like that. Even physical or geographical. If guilt is the cause, some people need to be called out on it, whilst others need to be told they're not to blame. If it's fear, then confronting that may help, or it may harm. He also said it can be very quick and traumatic, even violent sometimes. Whilst at others, it's a slow, gradual, progression, quite peaceful. Different people are more susceptible to some methods than others.

Lots to think about, so many possibilities. At least I understand the issues better now, even if I'm not sure which approach is the best! I'll brief the agents as they report in. My own wish? I hope you come quietly Chris, you've already suffered enough. Goodnight, God bless.

**Wednesday, May 29th 2013:**

Good morning Chris, a restless night, but I woke up with my mind clear. I want our approach to be slow and measured. I don't want you to suffer any more trauma, it's totally unacceptable. Do I have enough time left? I don't know, I can't afford to worry about that. That will have to be someone else's problem; Command's or the politician's. Besides, if anything, looking after these agents strengthens my hand for staying now until the job's done.

Haven't heard from any of them yet. It all takes time I guess. They have to travel to the area first. Then they have to insert themselves into the local scene and seek out the criminal underworld. All by whatever methods suit them best. Until then I keep going over our plans, looking for flaws, testing the options. It's funny, I thought when it came to it, I'd just drive up in _Hristofor_ , you'd get in and we'd set off for home. Now it's actually happening it's so much more complex. Good job I'm OCD then! Ha, ha, ha. I don't know if _Justin_ is patient, he probably isn't. I know I'm not, well, unless I'm on a snipe! D’oh! I've just realized, we're not actually looking for you, we're looking for _Justin_! I'll remind everyone of that, it could be important.....think cigarettes, think booze, think loner.....Oh dear! Um, don't worry, he's not you!

**Thursday, May 30th 2013:**

My first agent is in place. Yay! In a town in the Eastern Slav Republic, just the other side of the border to _Eskavar._ One down, six to go! That was relatively quick, but then the country's more stable than Edonia. They haven't been fighting a civil war....lately!

Haven't heard back from Major Valentine, thought I might have done. Perhaps she's busy....Sheva Alomar mentioned being on high alert. I wonder if she meant only the West African Branch or the whole of the BSAA? I've kinda' been out of the loop whilst over here, focused on the civil war.....and you. I barely even catch the news or read a paper these days. Normally I like to keep up to date. You know how I'm always keen to be one, or two, steps ahead of current events. But for the last five months none of it has mattered. Until last week, no one seemed to care about finding you, so it became my responsibility. My _quest_ , ha, ha, ha! I suppose we're both gonna' have to ease ourselves back into the _real_ world soon. I'll be beside you every step of the way Captain. Gonna' be your minder. Like a guard dog, keeping you safe, keeping the _"feckin' eejits"_ away, as Finn calls them. Ha! That reminds me, I think I'll call the boys, just tell 'em things are progressing well. Don't worry Chris, we'll soon have Alpha up and running, under the old management! Um, not that you're......oh shit....er, the original management. How's that?

**Friday, May 31st 2013:**

Hi Chris, one more agent installed today, in Edonia...how long for them all to be in place though? My month’s extension runs out on Sunday; but there's no way I'm going home until you're found. Command will have to come and find me first; and when it comes to 'blending in' I'm the best sniper in the BSAA. Ha, ha!

Think I'll give a hand down at the soup kitchen today. Not expecting to see you there of course, but it's become a sort of a habit. Putting something back in for all the help I've received from the Edonians. You'd do the same, quietly, without fuss. People don't know you like I do.

I met up with Ana and Stefan this afternoon, they're gonna' take me out for a meal tonight. Ana said it's been way too long since I relaxed. I hope Petar's not with them. Not sure if he's still interested in Ana, or still thinks I am. Ha, as if! I love her, but not, well, you know......well you will soon. Gonna' have to work out how we can get some time alone to talk, perhaps the flight back? We'll see how your memory recovers yeh?

Owww! Are you awake Captain?.....my head hurts.....too much _Rakija_. Ana and Stefan were great company....no Policeman ~~Petal~~ Petar....Yay....Ouch! I'm an outta' control controller....Oops....its pillow ~~talk~~ time.....heh, heh...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The names 'Justin' and 'Eskavar' are head-canon from Theosymphany and used with his permission. My thanks Theo!


	7. June 2013 and Epilogs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Piers' roller-coaster ride of emotions and activities continue through the month of June. The tedium of waiting for sightings is balanced with the intensity of the search as it draws to its conclusion. BSAA Command seem to have their own agenda as events finally come to a climax. But will the outcome be as joyous as Piers had hoped?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've added a couple of epilogs after Piers' final entry on June 29th. To square the circle, dot the i's and cross the t's. Piers 'Analog' deserves a fitting end. I hope you agree.

**Analog - June 2013**

**A personal record by Lt P. Nivans, Alpha Team SOU, BSAA NAB**

**Saturday, June 1st 2013:**

Ugh! That dammed alarm-clock didn't work again. I should have bought a new one in Paris; some things are still hard to get here.....except hangovers! Jeez! Did I write that last entry? I need a black coffee......Now!

Almost missed my morning comms slot! But there's always my cell phone for backup. The coverage in the city is good and _Eskavar's_ not too bad. No news so far though.

Spent lunchtime down at the soup kitchen and the rest of the day going through your personal file. Looking for anything that might help bring you out of your PTA. I've got some ideas.....things to say and, um, things to show....shock tactics......Oh Captain, I hope I don't have to use them! I hope we can just talk it through when it comes to it. You've endured so much.

Nothing from the agents today, guess I'll have to suck it up and be patient. Goodnight Chris.

**Sunday, June 2nd 2013:**

Still nothing, damn! So Church, and then a long run. A chance to clear my head and make room for the next set of thoughts and plans. It's getting much warmer now; the countryside outside the base is lush and green. It's a sort of rebirth after the war. I was gonna' go for a drive in _Hristofor_ , but the temptation to head straight to the border might be too strong! I've gotta' stay here and hold the fort until you're sighted. Not sure how we'll get back to the States, via _Ramstein_ I suppose. I'll ask Major Valentine, gotta' be prepared. I've got all the stuff you brought here back in December packed and ready to go; you sure do travel light! All your combat gear went back with the boys last month, most of mine too. I put Dave in charge of it, so it's safe! Ha, ha!

A quiet day, hope it's not the calm before the storm! I've still got this lovely expectant feeling, it's warm and, er.....well it's just nice. Spoke to Mom earlier tonight, she said I sounded chipper! Sounds like Pop's in Afghanistan, I think I told you we don't speak much these days. He hasn't forgiven me for leaving the Army.....not sure he ever will. One thing's for sure though; I'll have to visit Mom as soon as we get back. Perhaps you could come as well? I've told her so much about you and she always says she wants to meet you. She'd spoil you rotten, I just know it. Oh boy! Feeling homesick, that hasn't happened in a while....Front up Nivans, there's a job to do! Take care Chris, sleep well.

**Monday, June 3rd 2013:**

Some news at last! Agent Pine has set-up in _Eskavar!_ That's three in place now with Larch in the Eastern Slav Republic and Willow, who was the first to set up in _Eskavar_. It's hard not to keep contacting them; to find out what's going on. I know Sheva said leave them to it, but I'm no good a standing back, I need to be in control. Ask Andy, or Ben and Carl, ha, ha!

Got in touch with my Army and Police contacts in _Eskavar_ and _Novi-Gad_ this afternoon. Some police incident reports, but nothing significant. _Novi-Gad_ is on the main smuggling route to _Majdabor_. I wondered if I should have placed an agent there, but there aren't enough. Better to concentrate on the border area, it's where we've had the best intelligence leads, and the agents can work more easily as a team when and if they choose.

**Tuesday, June 4th 2013:**

Went into the city this morning, thought I'd check with my EU 'colleagues' there. My month as the BSAA's EU liaison officer runs out Thursday. The Brit Lieutenant has been helpful, so I thought I owed him a personal call. He checked with his boss, that French Captain. They've heard nothing from the BSAA, so as far as the Captain was concerned the role finishes in two days. After he'd gone, the Lieutenant said to keep in touch informally; there might be things he could still help me with. I said an extension to my handgun permit would be useful. He said to call in tomorrow and it would be ready, then he winked theatrically and tapped his nose. That British humor!

Got a call this evening, Oak is positioned in the ESR. Four down, three to go. Isn't that great? I feel on a roll now, everything's falling into place. But I know from experience this is when I have to be careful, not to get too cocky! Heh, heh! What's that? Yeh, I'm learning!

**Wednesday, June 5th 2013:**

Nothing this morning.....Damn this is so frustrating! Just a signal from Major Valentine that came in overnight. She said repatriation via Ramstein was the most likely. Even you couldn't swing a private jet to the army base here! She also said I was to be prepared for medical and psychological checks to be made on you in Germany. Like they did for recovered hostages. Shit! I know the Major speaks from experience, but couldn't they do that back home? What happens if you have problems, are they gonna' leave you in Europe! It's fucking ridiculous!

So I wasn't in a good mood when I went into the city to collect my gun permit, even that laid-back Lieutenant could see I was agitated. He said if you can't take a joke, you shouldn't sign up. I know he was only trying to cheer me up, but I wasn't laughing! So he insisted we go for lunch. He told me wasn't enjoying his own EU role; he'd joined to fight, not push a pen. I told him if I had to suck it up, then so did he. We both laughed then. I told him about you. He said I was lucky to have such an inspirational Captain and he'd be happy to swap, ha, ha! Guess we're all men of action Chris; politics, pens and paperwork are just not our thing. Not that I mind doing your admin of course, um, just that I'd rather be doing something more exciting with you.....er, like ops or training I mean....Oh dear....

Did a stint cleaning up at the homeless shelter in the afternoon, then back to base to check for messages. Still nothing! Oh well, here's to tomorrow Chris, goodnight.

**Thursday, June 6th 2013:**

Good news this morning; two more agents in position! Fir in _Eskavar_ and Maple in a small town nearby, _Bozek_ , on the road north to _Novi-Gad_. Bad news is my month’s liaison role with the EU is up today; and there's still one agent to place. I'm sweating it Chris, I couldn't bear to be recalled now. This isn't like any Op I've ever been on. I can be cool. Damn, I can be freezing! Focused, detached, all that sniping stuff, you know that. But this, it's intense, too emotional....too personal. I need to calm down. Sorry, talk to you later.

Two hours on the firing range! I knew as soon as I mentioned sniping what I needed. Alex booked me in. They gotta' long range here, perfect for sniping practice. By the time I finished I was surprised to find I'd attracted quite an audience. I'd shut everything out whilst I was shooting; got my karma back. Nivans the control freak returns. That's an idea, if I have to leave the BSAA to find you, I could earn my keep giving sniping lessons. The Edonians were always impressed with the way I handled Tophie, my AMR. It's a thought. Anyway, stay frosty Chris, it won't be long now.

**Friday, June 7th 2013:**

Aspen set-up in _Eskavar_ today, that means all seven agents are in place now. Yay! All my trees are planted.....wish it was a forest though. Still, tall oaks from little acorns do grow.....Sorry, why do my jokes always sound forced? You can have the guys in stitches with a couple of words and a look. I always have to explain mine.....except to Finn of course.....but then he laughs at anything.....sometimes I'd like to have his innocence.....

....You're Redwood btw, (I know, not very original, I was running out of trees!), and I was gonna' be Dogwood, but it sounded too much like Redwood to use as a callsign; so I became Dogberry instead..... **DON'T** laugh! And now the operation to find you commences. Oh! I didn't tell you its name did I? _Operation Missing Knight_.....after the Christmas tale of my quest. One agent kept suggesting it should be Operation Can't See The (Red)Wood For The Trees......until I gave him one of my looks. Ha, ha!

So there we are Captain, everyone's in place. Now they've gotta' do their job blending into the local scene and infiltrating the gangs and underworld where you....No, sorry....where this 'Stray Dog' character _Justin_ hangs out. I wish I was there with them; guess someone's has to stay and man the phone. But once they've got a definite sighting.......I'll be there in a shot....and you know I never miss! Goodnight Chris, God bless.

**Saturday, June 8th 2013:**

Hi Chris. Well, after all that excitement last week, it's back to another waiting game this one. Now the infiltration agents are in place, they need time to blend in. I hope it doesn't take too long. They don't need deep cover, but they're professionals. They'll want to do a good job. Time is the big factor, for all of them. They don't have a blank check. Me? I'm here for as long as it takes. On my own and as a civilian if necessary. I couldn't leave now without you; it's just not gonna' happen. And if it took the BSAA as long as it did to decide to help in your search, they sure as hell ain't gonna' worry about some crazy, obsessive, AWOL Lieutenant. Ha, ha, ha!

I've been checking my preparations for your pick-up again. How to get to Ramstein? It's a long drive. Better to fly to Germany I think, quicker. Frankfurt and Stuttgart are not too far from Ramstein. And there are several flights each day now things are settling down here. Then a short drive to Ramstein I guess, hire car. That's another thing, _Hristofor_. I'll speak to Alex when it comes to it. Perhaps he could arrange to collect him. So many things to sort out. And that's assuming you're Ok. Might still end up planning on the hoof! Ha! You'd love that wouldn't you? Just your style! But first I must signal the BSAA and Major Valentine. Tell them all the agents are now in place and Phase 2 of Operation _Missing Knight_ is under way.

Good night Chris, keep safe.....Oh! I'd better update the boys as well. I like to talk to them individually. I know Andy could relay for me, but I want them to get the facts, not another set of rumors! Heh, heh, you know what your Sergeant's like!

**Sunday, June 9th 2013:**

Sunday, so it must be Church. I'm getting predictable. Ha! I've never heard you talk much about faith or religion Captain. You did say once 'I have doubts now', and I can imagine the things that you've experienced to make you say that. I guess you're a 'nominal'; like most military personnel. I have to say I was just the same, until I came here. I don't know if it's because the Church is still a strong influence in Edonia, or just that I needed something I couldn't find anywhere else. Weird, you disappearing sorta' left a vacuum in my life and rediscovering my faith has filled it, or at least helped me cope.

I only managed a brief chat afterwards with my friend the priest. I told him things were progressing well, but not yet over. _"Then you and your friend will stay in my prayers until they are."_ he said simply. I don't know if he's guessed my true feelings for you. Probably, but he's too kind and wise to say anything. Officially it's very much frowned upon, the whole, er, gay thing. Oh boy! It's gonna' be some discussion we have going home Chris! But I'm not hiding things anymore; those days are over. Time, life, is too precious. Your disappearance has taught me that.

After church I checked for comms, nothing as yet. Then I took a run, checked comms again, still nothing; so I went down to the soup kitchen. It's become a routine, but a good one, ya' know? It was probably my last visit, so I made my goodbyes. Didn't hang around too long, everyone was crying......yeh, me too!

Spoke to Mom and Claire this evening. Explained that once we pick you up things might happen in a rush; so not to worry if they didn't hear from me for a while. They both send their love. Claire's fine, um, well, Ok. I think it's getting through to her now. She's like me, impatient for it to be over, worried about how you're coping as this _Justin_ character, worried about the drinking and smoking. Mom's missing Pop....and me....and you. She feels so involved with your disappearance. Typical Mom, she worries for everyone! So goodnight and hugs from Claire, my Mom....and me.

**Monday, June 10th 2013:**

Nothing from the agents today. But I did get a signal from Major Valentine. She gave me a contact at Ramstein. A US Army Captain Doctor in something called the First Stage Evaluation Unit. Ugh! Sounds like the beginning of some sort of screening process. Don't worry Chris; I'll be with you all the way. In the meantime I'm gonna' speak to him and find out just what the hell it involves. I'm not having you penned-up like some lab rat!

**Tuesday, June 11th 2013:**

Still nothing from my 'forest'. This waiting is killing me.....Arghh!

So, this Evaluation Unit thing in Ramstein. I didn't get to speak to Captain Marlow yesterday; he's a 'busy' man. Doctors always say that don't they! So I scheduled a call today. He told me this First Stage evaluation lasts anywhere from 24 to 48 hours. Part 1 is a thorough medical examination, with a psychiatrist continually present and observing (plus an M.P. outside the door - Goddammit!). Urgent medical conditions are treated in the next stage, which may overlap the First....its complicated! But Part 2 is an initial, detailed psychological examination. All the stages, there's four of them, include this on-going psychological evaluation. The whole process can be over within a week, or take months, depending on the problems. I explained your background, the suspected PTA, the _Justin_ thing. He said it was unusual to get such good information prior to an evaluation. He's gonna' e-mail me some electronic forms to complete to get the process started. Some of it is a bit personal, hope you don't mind. Shit, there's no one else better qualified anyway, apart from you...and you're not here, Ha!

**Wednesday, June 12th 2013:**

Stayed up all night filling in your forms. I wanted the Captain to have them first thing. Tick in the box, next problem.....Sorry, I don't mean you're a problem. None of this is your fault......just me being OCD....perhaps I need evaluating? Heh, heh! But sometimes if I don't laugh, I'll cry. Still nothing from any of the agents. Jeez, this is worse than waiting for a 'Mark' to show up!

Just back from the homeless shelter; last visit there too.....more tears. It's the long-term homeless who are left there now. All the refugees from the civil war have gone back to wherever. The poor souls who are left don't have anyone looking out for them....Gah, it's hard. Truth is Chris, you and I are so lucky; we've got people around who care about us. But these poor sods.....all they've got are the staff at the shelter. That's why Claire's work is so important, clearing up the mess the Bio-terrorists leave, someone **_has_** to do it. Don't ever think she didn't want to help me here; but she knows I'm capable. And she's been a great source of encouragement, in that blunt Redfield way you both have! Ha, ha, ha! Besides, you know what good work she's doing. I've seen how proud you look when someone mentions her name. Oh, it's approaching comms slot time, catch you later....

Hay! Some news at last, Larch is up and running in the ESR, fantastic! They'll be on their designated reporting schedule from 08:00 tomorrow. I'll sleep more soundly tonight, hope you do too. Goodnight Chris.

**Thursday, June 13th 2013:**

More good news this morning; Oak has set up in the ESR. With Larch, it means that side of the border area is plugged. Larch called in with their first SITREP. Situation normal, nothing to report.

Decided to start hitting the gym in between comms slots. Apart from running I've neglected my training since the boys went back. It's gonna' be difficult to get into town so frequently now, which is sad, but the SITREP schedule is pretty much 24/7, and I need to keep fit. Gym and running give me time to listen to my music too, something I haven't done in a while. Been missing that, missing you more though; even if you do prefer rock to country. Ha, ha!

Brilliant! Pine is now up and running in _Eskavar_. The first agent there. They reported in this evening; plus Ops Normal calls from Oak and Larch. No sightings yet, but I can feel the tension slowly rising now. This search is on the move!

**Friday, June 14th 2013:**

Willow, Aspen & Fir all set up in _Eskavar_ during the day and this evening the last one, Maple, in _Bozek_. I spent most of the day on comms. Now the fun begins! Whoever finds you first, the others will then join. Initially it will be a question of surveillance; we want to assess your physical and mental condition, as well as your lifestyle, before we pick you up. Sorry Chris, I know that sounds impersonal, but it's better for everyone that way. Your wellbeing and safety is paramount to us all. No one is keener to get you back than me, you know that. Don't worry, it won't be long now. And then we're going back home, together.

**Saturday, June 15th 2013:**

The SITREPS are coming in on a regular basis now. All "OPS NORMAL, NIL SIG". I'm beginning to dread hearing those terms; but I've gotta' believe I made the right decisions in placing the agents and carry on with the plan. I understand your dilemmas in similar situations much better now Chris. When you've committed heavily to a course of action at what point do you let it go if things go wrong? Or suck it up, and see it through! I think I've matured in these past six months; as ATL and through running a team of agents. Having to make 'Command' decisions, using my own judgment. I hope you can see an improvement in me when you return; but it's not the way I wanted it to happen. Personally, I can't wait for Alpha One to resume control! The boys probably feel the same too!

**Sunday, June 16th 2013:**

Church, comms watch, run, more comms. A regular Sunday. Then out of nowhere I get a call from Sava in _Majdabor_. Remember that guy Dani and Luka picked up? The one I questioned about you? Seems he turned informant. That smuggling gang from the ESR has been in _Majdabor_ again, Justin included. Apparently they're returning home tomorrow. That's good news, it tells me you're currently in steady, if unsavory, employment. I'm not gonna' rush to _Majdabor_ , there's no point this time. The border area is where we're gonna' locate you and pick you up, I'm certain. So for now, its stick to the plan Nivans! How many times have you said that Captain? Ha, ha!

**Monday, June 17th 2013:**

More NIL SIG, NIL SIG.....fuck it! Where the hell are you Chris?

Just when I'm thinking this operation is becoming a clusterfuck, I get a SIG-INT call from Maple. _'Redwood sighted in Bozek'._ A positive ID of you, together with other gang members. Captured on a blurry video too! I'm watching it now.....hard not to choke up....Sweet Jesus Chris.... **It's you, it's you!** After six months. It's like seeing you for the very first time again, my hearts pounding. Sorry...can't write....cologne time.....

Yay! Your No. 2 is H.A.PP.Y! I've blown your fuzzy image up and made it my wallpaper....You might look dreadful, but you're a sight for these sore eyes. I'm getting emotional Chris, God I've missed you....Oh crap.....

.....Ha! That's better, I lost it there for a moment...or two....your cool Ace blown away....It was lunchtime in a big restaurant apparently. Seems like the gang was celebrating. Not for the first time according to the owner. He'd seen you with them before. They all called you _Pas Lutalica_ ; but he said you were just "a miserable bastard!"....said you only spoke briefly to order a steak and then again to complain it was tough! You refused to pay, so one of the gang members did. Oh dear! They all left on the _Eskavar_ road. Ha, ha....just thinking you know all that.....well this Justin character does! I wonder if you'll remember him later? Those medical books suggest you won't. Which is probably a good thing; he's, um, unpleasant.

I'm gonna' let the other agents know, Maple will share the video clip with them. And I'm gonna' send headshots of you and the others to my Police contact in _Eskavar_. They might ring some bells and give us some more leads. I'll updated Command and Major Valentine later, but I'm not sending them the video clip. I'm not letting them see you like that, Ok?

It's finally coming together Chris. I have to keep pinching myself to make sure it's not a dream. Had a few of those, mostly bad ones; but that's all behind us now. I can feel it! In my heart, as well as my head. They're both still thumping! Question now is do I leave Maple in _Bozek_ or pull them to the border? This restaurant seems to be a regular stop-off. What if you're not living near the border? It might be our only contact point. I'm gonna' sleep on it. Don't wanna' get things wrong this close to finding you. Sleep tight Chris, it won't be long now, I promise.

**Tuesday, June 18th 2013:**

Nothing today. Maple's asking should they move? I've told them to hold for now, unless or until, we hear anything from the border.

Spoke briefly to Mom this evening, she's excited. Couldn't get hold of Claire though, but I left her a message to say you'd been positively ID'd. I also spoke to Ana and Stefan, just to say I was concentrating on the border area near _Eskavar_ now. I'll try and meet up with them sometime this week if I can. I....we....both owe them so much. So many people have helped us Chris. One day I'm gonna' sit down and tell you just how many.

**Wednesday, June 19th 2013:**

OPS NORMAL, NIL SIG, that's all it's been today. What's happening down there? Shit, these highs and lows are hard to take! Should ‘a seen me in the gym Captain. Some of the PTI's came over and asked me to calm down; they were worried I was gonna' break the equipment. I had quite an audience by the time I'd finished my sets. I gotta' burn-off my anger somehow. Don't have you to argue with, Ha! Don't worry, I'm Ok now. I just needed a physical release. Get rid of all that pent-up ATL emotion and aggression, ya know? Can't always hit the pillow.

I went back to the gym in the afternoon and apologized. Did some melee moves and unarmed combat training sessions with the instructors and recruits. Got my 'sniper cool' back. I might lose it when we get you back though....Ha, ha, ha! Jeez, I'm even laughing like you now!

Still nothing significant tonight. Damn! Guess that pillow's gonna' take a pounding after all.

**Thursday, June 20th 2013:**

Some news at last! SIGINT from Pine and Fir. They've identified some gang members in _Eskavar_ , but so far not you, well Justin. That's it! I'm convinced _Eskavar_ is the place. All my 'snipey' senses are screaming. I'm gonna' pull Maple from _Bozek_ ; get them to join the others in _Eskavar_. But for now I'll leave Larch and Oak in the ESR, it might be the gang's back door sorta' thing. The pieces are falling into place; after all this time. I can sense things coming to a head. Soon now Chris, soon.

**Friday, June 21st 2013:**

Maple's now in Eskavar. They teamed up with Ash, quicker that way, posing as a couple I guess. My Police contact in _Eskavar_ said the photos I sent were very interesting. Some have been identified as local criminals. He couldn't divulge much more on an open line, but he did suggest some districts in the town to look. He asked me how I came by them, which was awkward. Then he laughed and said perhaps it was better if he didn't know.....phew! Anyway, all the agents in _Eskavar_ are now trying to localize gang members. This is where it gets potentially dangerous, they don't want to arouse suspicion or attract the wrong sort of attention.

Ok, Command Decision time. I'm pulling Larch and Oak from the ESR and placing them in _Eskavar_ with the rest of the trees. I know, putting all my eggs in one basket. Sounds familiar? Hhmm, I remember, you like eggs don't you? Agent Alomar confirmed the _"I need an egg!"_ story. Wait till Andy hears that one! Ha, ha!

Had signals in from Command and Major Valentine this afternoon. Command simply said time was of the essence and could I give them a more accurate timescale for your recovery and subsequent evaluation at Ramstein? The Major was even more concise. She just said I was to expedite Alpha One's recovery. For fuck's sake......like I haven't been trying! Sorry Captain; I don't mean to be disrespectful.....but dammit!

Um, Ok, I've calmed down now....I get the feeling they both want Alpha ready for operations ASAP. I wonder what's up? We'll probably be the last to know. Anyway, time to go through my pick-up plans once again, and the info from the Evaluation Unit at Ramstein. I can give Command a best guess for the timescale after we've picked you up. A week if you're in good shape, mentally and physically. I don't think there's much of a problem with the physical side, just the short-term effects of smoking and drinking. Mentally it's harder to judge, depends how quickly you snap out of the PTA I guess......2 to 3 weeks if there's a problem? As for the timing of the pick-up itself that's another big unknown. Anywhere between 1 to 2 weeks now I think; given the way things are gathering pace. So, around a month total perhaps? I'll give them the ranges anyway. Then they'll know as much as I do and they can draw their own conclusions.

I'm meeting Stefan and Ana later this evening. I'd better say my goodbyes and thankyous tonight. I don't think I'm gonna' be here in Edonia much longer...... **We're** not gonna' be here much longer! Take care Chris, see you soon.

**Saturday, June 22nd 2013:**

Hi Chris....Well, last night was sorta' bitter sweet you know? Saying my goodbyes to Ana and Stefan. They've been so helpful to me; even though they've had their own work to do. Now that things are settling down after the civil war; they're going back to more regular Army Intelligence work. They were so happy to hear your recovery was imminent. They've both really felt involved in my search.....it seems to inspire everyone....with the possible exception of Pavel. He wasn't there last night....He was 'busy'....but I thanked him earlier in a phone call. He was pleased we'd zeroed in on you too...probably because it means we'll both soon be out of his hair and out of Edonia. Ha!

Ana and Stefan were very interested to hear of my recent trip to _Pecja_ , in the Slovako region in the south of Edonia. I think that's where they're posted next. Looking for Slovako sympathizers in the forces down there. Slovako wants independence. Perhaps Edonia's troubles are not over after all? Politics, it sucks!

NIL SIG from the 'trees' today. They're investigating the locations supplied by my Police contact in _Eskavar;_ plus the leads they've gathered there themselves. I've got a large scale map of the area up on my wall now. It's replaced the one of Edonia. Had to sweet talk the girl in the map-section here on base to get it. Only the military and the police have access to really detailed maps; the Edonians can be a secretive bunch.

It's late, and I'm still staring at the map. Looking for patterns and clues. The colored dots are dancing around my eyes. Time for bed I think. Goodnight Chris, not long now.

**Sunday, June 23rd 2013:**

Another goodbye today. I made my farewells to the old Priest; I don't think I'll be around next week. At the end of the service I went up and shook his hand and thanked him. 'You've helped me so much, restored my faith. Given me hope and inspiration in my darkest hours. And I don't even know your name.' I blushed. _"Father Mateja, Matthew."_ When I told him I was close to finding you he said _"You have done a good thing. Finding this Captain of yours is important; he is part of God's purpose. But the Lord tells me that you are even more important my son. And that you too, will be found when all hope is lost."_ He made the sign of the cross and kissed me on the forehead. Then he left, with that enigmatic smile he always has. I've absolutely no idea what he meant....but it sure sounded good!

More NIL SIG, planning, NIL SIG, thinking. The gym was closed, so I went for a long run later. And boy was it was hot! Summer's here now. I can't believe it. We arrived in the winter snow; springs been and gone....it feels like a lifetime has passed without you Chris. One thing's for sure, we're not staying for the fall. Ha, ha, ha!

**Monday, June 24th 2013:**

**Hooah!** Some news at last! A SIG-INT report from Oak. He spoke to a barmaid in _Eskavar_ today, one Maria Slotic. This is what she said:

 _"He started coming around here about five months ago._  
  
We asked who he was, but he said he didn't even remember, so we just started calling him "the stray dog." More like a bear than a dog though, from the looks of him. He's always real depressed looking, rude, never good at paying for all the booze he drinks—pretty much the worst customer we've got here. Oh, and I heard that he makes his money by doing some kind of bodyguard work, which doesn't surprise me. Uses that money to drink and pay for his hotels.  
  
So, what? Is he in some kind of trouble or something? Ha, ha! I knew someone would be after him eventually."

OMG! Five months! You've been in _Eskavar_ all that time! Jeez, Chris, ya' could've sent me a card! Ha, ha, ha! She didn't know where you lived, but said you also frequented a number of other bars and cafes in the town. I've copied this information to Command and Major Valentine and left a message for Claire. This could be the big break we've been looking for. **Whoo-hoo!**

I spoke to the bar maid on the phone this evening. You weren't there; she hadn't seen you all day. She said _"He is a loner, possessed by a bad spirit."_ I asked her if she knew any other places this Justin might use. She said she'd already answered lots of questions.... _"Who was I? A gang member?"_ I said no. _"The Police?"_ Not exactly. Then she said _"In that case I don't want to get involved."_ and put the phone down. I called again but she wouldn't pick up. Damn! Stay put Chris, now is not the time to move. I've instructed the agents to keep a close watch on the bar. If you go there, they'll find you.

**Tuesday, June 25th 2013:**

I rang the bar again this morning and asked to speak to Maria. The owner asked who I was. I told him I could make it worth his while. I heard him talking to her in the background. Then she came on, and I tried to explain my search for you. She said _"I don't believe you, who would spend half a year looking for a drunken bum?"_ Then she slammed the phone down again! Fuck it! That's it. I'm driving there tomorrow; whilst the 'trees' continue to scour the rest of the town. A few loose ends to tie up here first. I need to find Captain Nedovic, fast. Talk to you later Chris.

I found Alex. I told him I was going to the border to follow up a strong lead, could he get _Hristofor_ ready and rustle up some travel papers? He said _"You have a team in Edonia, don't you?"_ I replied 'And you're not a Supply Officer are you?' he grinned, _"Touché!"_ We both laughed. I thanked him for all his help and asked if he would also get the BSAA comms gear dismantled and packed after I'd gone. Ready for collection sometime. I said I was sorry if I'd mislead him earlier, in our, um, relationship. He shrugged his shoulders _"So am I, but that's life. Go find your dream Piers Nivans."_ I suggested we keep in touch. He just smiled and laughed. God, he looks so much like a younger you sometimes......still gives me goose bumps.

This evening I got an urgent signal from Command:

_Operation Missing Knight._

_Urgent. Bring Redwood in ASAP. Do not return via Ramstein. Await instructions at Edonia City base._

_Acknowledge._

I replied and said I was leaving for _Eskavar_ first thing tomorrow morning.

**Wednesday, June 26th 2013:**

_Hristofor's_ all fueled up and raring to go. I've got all our gear with me in case things change back again. Command seem to be playing it close to their chest. I'll meet up with the team on arrival, and join them in their stakeout of various bars. And the first place I'm gonna' visit is Maria Slotic's! Tonight could be the one Chris......

**Thursday, June 27th 2013:**

......Well, it wasn't! Last night was a no show.....WTF! Sometimes it's like you don't want to be found. I wonder if you know people are looking for you, perhaps this Justin character is the suspicious type, or simply paranoid. And then sometimes I think I'm the paranoid one...shit, sometimes I just think too much. Anyway, I eventually convinced Maria I wasn't a criminal.....or the Police. She became more amenable when I got my wallet out ......trouble is I soon got the impression she'd say anything for money. I wonder how reliable a witness she really is? Oak believes her original statement was true....guess we have to work from there.

I've learnt you can't spend all day sitting in a bar; you begin to look suspicious yourself. Looking up every time someone enters; casting furtive glances when they sit down. So we're working shifts, alternating with checking hotels and hostels. You're known locally that's for sure. Well the 'Stray Dog' is.....I've had to settle several unpaid bills.....but you're always on the move apparently. Either leaving when you run out of money or outstay your welcome, whichever comes first. Some people thought you might be sleeping rough some of the time....Um; they said _"You smell."_ Oh Captain!

Another message from Command:

_Operation Missing Knight_

_On completion do not, repeat, do not, return to the USA._

_As soon as pick-up is made you are to return with Alpha One to the Edonia City army base and await further orders._

_Time remains of the essence._

_Acknowledge._

What's going on? Why can't we go home? I asked for more info; Command just repeated the message. I don't like this Chris, something's up. Stay frosty, huh?

**Friday, June 28th 2013:**

We followed pretty much the same routine today as yesterday, still no sign of you. God, have I screwed up this close? Maria Slotic said you'd been a regular, she hadn't seen you for a couple of days, so she expected to see you soon. She promised she will call us if you come in. That cost me! I still don't know if she's reliable. We're keeping her bar under constant surveillance anyways. This afternoon I got yet another urgent signal from Command:

_Operation Missing Knight._

_Urgent. Pick up Redwood ASAP, regardless of physical or mental state._

_An Edonian Army helicopter is on standby to return you both to the capital; where you are to ready yourselves for immediate operations abroad pending further instructions._

_Acknowledge._

What the fuck! Operations? I didn't believe it, so again I asked Command to verify. They did....Shit! What the hell's going on? What's so important you have to go back in the field for? Without any tests or a check-up. Supposing you're stuck as Justin? I don't even know _if_ I can bring you out of the PTA. Jesus Chris! This could be painful, for both of us. Damnit! It's not how I wanted things for you!

This evening we hit the clubs and bars again. I went back to Maria's. It was a karaoke night there. Somehow I ended up on the stage......don't ask! But at least it gave me a good view of most of the audience. Ha! I sang a couple of songs. First _Analogue._ Remember? The song I opened this diary with. Then _Two,_ a country song I like; although it's kinda' sad. I sang them for you Chris; made me a bit sad too. I thought perhaps you might recognize me if you were there; seeing me up on the stage. But if you were there I didn't see you.

None of us had any luck tonight. Fuck! It's like you've disappeared again. Perhaps you've gone to _Majdabor_? I'll ask Sava to keep his eyes and ears open. All the 'snipes' I've been on, all the marks, all the slots......I've never felt the tension like this before Chris. It hurts, physically. Twisting my gut and tearing at my heart. I need you Chris, now more than ever. Please show up tomorrow.....please?

**Saturday, June 29th 2013:**

Well, I guess that just about wraps this journal up Captain. The Squire found his Knight and now he wishes he hadn't. God forgive me, what have I done?

After six months what an unexpectedly bitter taste success leaves in my mouth. I should be feeling joyous, happy, elated; wouldn't you think? But no. I feel none of those things. Instead I'm filled with a deep and dark despair. Today we leave for China. Just like that, no time to ask you of your adventures, no time to tell you mine. No time to check your physical, let alone your mental, health. _"You found him? Good, get him back into action then. You leave this afternoon. Your transport will land and refuel at the Edonia City army base en-route to Lanshiang Province, PRC. There's an SOU team on board from the European Branch. You'll be briefed in-flight. Good luck."_

It makes me sick. They make me sick, Command, the Politicos. The whole goddamned bunch of them. It makes me think you'd have been better off if I hadn't found you. My poor damaged Captain. But it's too late now. I've led them straight to you. I'm so sorry Chris. I owe you everything I have.....everything I am. It's time for me to be the No. 2 you always wanted.

I'm watching you right now Chris. You're snoring. Showered and shaved. Suited-up for God knows what lies ahead. Sleeping peacefully in my room before our transport arrives. Just enough time for me to write up this last entry.

I started this journal with a song, so it seems appropriate to end it with one. It's called 'Two' by Ryan Adams. I thought the words applied to me. But on seeing the way you've been living; I think they apply to you as well. It's about a man who realizes he needs someone else to make him whole. Someone to take him back, because he can't cope on his own anymore. Because it takes two now.....you.........and me. That was always my dream for us Chris, two as one.

_"Two"_

_If you take me back,_  
back to your place.  
I'll try not to bother you I promise.  
'Cause it's cold in here.  
And I wish it was hot.  
The sink's broke, it's leaking from the faucet.

  
And I'm fractured from the fall,  
and I wanna' go home.  
But it takes two when it used to take one.  
It takes two when it used to take only one.

 _  
__Well, my money's no good,_ _  
__when I'm up to no good._ _  
_ No good ever comes from it, honest. _  
_ I got a really good heart. _  
_ I just can't catch a break. __  
If I could I'd treat you like you wanted me to I promise.

  
But I'm fractured from the fall.  
Oh, and I wanna' go home.  
I'm fractured from the fall,  
and I wanna go home.

  
It takes two when it used to take one  
It takes two when it used to take one  
It takes two when it used to take one  
It takes two when it used to take only one.

Gah, I tear-up every time I hear those words. I sang it last night, before we picked you up this morning. In that crummy little karaoke bar in _Eskavar_. Because I couldn't think of anything else to sing that summed-up our relationship. You'd have curled-up if you'd seen me making a fool of myself on the stage. And now here you are, curled up asleep on my bed whilst I write.

You remember when I first joined the BSAA I told you I was looking for a cause? Truth is I'm no longer sure I ever found it. But what I did find was you. Perhaps _that_ was it. Perhaps _you_ were the cause all along? And now by finding you all I've done is to put you in jeopardy once more. So, here and now, I re-dedicate my life. Not to the BSAA, not to some idealistic cause, but to you Captain. Because you're more worthy in my eyes. Oh, I know you'll serve them, like you always have, faithfully, loyally, whatever the personal cost. But from now on my own life is forfeit, yours is more important.

You've always had my heart, now you have my life as well. There's nothing left for me to give. I have a terrible sense of foreboding about this mission to China.......I love you Captain Christopher Redfield, always have, always will......remember that.

_Piers_

****************************

**Piers' epilog**

Piers closed the journal gently, running his fingers lovingly across the embossed cover; now tattered and worn from its travels. Then he got out a sheet of brown paper from his desk drawer and wrapped the journal neatly in it. He thought for a while, and then wrote on the front:

 _To whom it may concern:_  
  
_This journal is the property of Lt P. Nivans,_  
_Alpha Team SOU, BSAA NAB._    
   
_In the event of my death in action, I wish it to be handed_  
_to Captain Christopher Redfield BSAA and none other._  
   
_In the event of his coincident death in action,_  
_I order this journal be destroyed._  

 ** _Piers Nivans_**  

_June 29th 2013, Edonia_

Piers placed the package carefully inside a green folder in his kit bag. Then he looked at his watch and sighed deeply. He walked over to the bed and kissed his Captain gently on the forehead. It was time for them to leave.

****************************

**Chris' Epilog:**

**Monday, July 8th 2013:**

Chris had collected Piers' personal belongings himself. He wouldn't let anyone else touch them. But it was a week into the search before he could even bear to look at them. There wasn't much. What there was, was packed neatly and methodically, so typical of Piers. Some shorts and socks, all folded flat and square. A bag of toiletries, his music player and a plastic folder. It was green, like his shemagh.......He smiled, Piers had always liked that color.

Chris opened it. There were some photos inside. He looked through them; noting he featured in every single one. Some went back way before Piers had even joined the BSAA. His time in STARS, the Air Force. How the hell had Piers got them? Claire? His eyes misted up and his hands started to shake. He put the pictures down and wiped the snot that was now running from his nose with the back of his hand.

"You.....me? Oh Piers....all that time? And you never said?"

He reached into the folder and pulled out the remaining contents, letters, cards, a small brown package. His hands were shaking so much he dropped them onto the floor. He scrabbled to pick them up, these precious objects, the belongings of someone he'd worked and fought alongside for 3 years, someone who'd spent 6 months searching for him. Someone, he was only now beginning to realize, he hadn't known at all. He read the instructions on the brown wrapping paper.....It was intended for him, but he couldn't bring himself to open it. That would be like admitting Piers Nivans was dead.

He slumped heavily into his chair. It wasn't the last seven days that had taken their toll, not even _that_ day. It was the six months Piers had been lost to him in Edonia; the almost three wasted years before that. Chris suddenly realized he hadn't recovered from anything.....ever....

**Monday, July 15th 2013:**

One week later and it was the last night of the search. Command had ordered his immediate return.....Bastards! Two weeks fruitless searching the waters around the remains of the underwater facility. Above and below. He'd lead the diving teams personally. Nothing......nothing......nothing. Just flotsam and jetsam and the cold, black sea that had cruelly swallowed a new future before it had even begun.

Chris sat down heavily on his bunk and opened the locker by its side. He took out the brown paper parcel. All hope had gone now. Piers wasn't coming back this time. He ran a dirty, broken thumbnail under the sellotape and unwrapped the journal. He opened it slowly, almost fearfully, as if something bad might jump out from it. More bittersweet memories. He grimaced in pain; he'd had a lifetime of those.

On the first page, written in Piers' clear, precise hand, he read the opening entry:

_Analog_

_A personal record by Lt P. Nivans, Alpha Team SOU, BSAA NAB_

_Edonia, Saturday 29th December 2012:_

_Not sure how I'm gonna' write this Captain. I haven't kept a journal since the Military Academy! Sort of shorthand I guess, like a conversation with you; even if it is a bit one sided. I'm writing these first couple of days from memory. They were before I got this diary, I'll explain later._

_I've just realized, it was Christmas.....Merry Christmas Captain._

"Merry Christmas Piers." Chris whispered. He read on....he could see there were the words to a poem, or a song, he wasn't sure which yet....

_Met up with Ana again. We found a bookshop still open in a tiny backstreet, she bought me this diary, said I should log everything whilst I'm looking for you. Hope I don't have to fill it out for a whole week! I'm gonna' call it my Analog. After Ana and after a song I heard. We had a coffee and there was a song on the jukebox, you know me and music. It was called Analogue (Ana-Log geddit!) by some Scandinavian group I've never heard of. But the words, Jeez! I played it over and over until I'd got them all written down. The owner pulled the plug in the end. You'd like the guitar lick Captain. I've watched you when you're drinking with the guys. You don't just play air-guitar, you do the right fingering. Did you ever have a guitar I wonder? There's so much about you I want to find out, there's so much I want to tell you. It's all in the words, here they are._

 

 _"Analogue"_  
   
 _Come back, my darling one_  
 _I'm calling on ya_  
 _The road ahead is long_  
 _And I must warn ya_  
   
 _I wonder_  
 _Where did he go?_  
 _If I failed you_  
 _I tell you right now_  
   
 _All I want you to know; I love you_  
 _All I need is the time to show ya_  
   
 _Come back, my fallen one_  
 _Don't let 'em fool ya_  
 _Cos when the day is done_  
 _They'll never move ya_  
   
 _Lay down your sense of pride_  
 _(Got more than you have)_  
 _Put out your mournful tones_  
 _I tell you right now_  
   
 _All I want you to know; I love you_  
 _All I need is the time_  
 _to show you how I feel_  
 _Feel!_  
   
 _Lay down your sense of pride_  
 _trampled once too often_  
   
 _I tell you right now_  
 _All I want you to know; I love you_  
 _All I need is the time to show you_  
 _Oh yeah you know I love you_  
 _All I need is the time to show you how I feel_  
 _Ohh!_

 

_There, I've said it Captain....I love you....always have, always will....Oh jeez...._

_Better now......got a little emotional there. Love that line about I got more pride than you have. I know I can be an arrogant SOB, but I'm working on it. You’re my teacher, one of the least boastful men I know, although you have cause to be._

_I've just thought. Do I have to explain that? I don't know. 'I love you' seems to say it all. Funny, I could never say it to your face, but I can tell your memory. Here, in this journal. Oh, that sounds like you've gone. I don't mean that. I mean the 'you' here in my memory. Oh crap! This is hard, letting my guard down....._

'I love you', the words hit Chris like a straight punch to the heart. He gasped in surprise and shock. To see it written in black and white. Suddenly he'd never felt so utterly and terribly alone. The tear that trickled down the unwashed and unshaven cheek was the first of many.

It was dawn by the time he finished reading Piers' log, his Analog. Through red-rimmed eyes his fingers traced lovingly over the last entry.

_You remember I told you I joined the BSAA looking for a cause? I'm no longer sure I found it. What I did find was you. Perhaps that was it. Perhaps you were the cause all along. And now by finding you all I've done is to put you in jeopardy once more. So, tonight, I re-dedicate my life. Not to the BSAA, but to you. Because you're the more worthy in my eyes. Oh, I know you'll serve them, like you always have, faithfully, loyally, whatever the personal cost. But from now on my life is forfeit, yours is more important. You've always had my heart, now you have my life as well. There's nothing more for me to give. I love you Christopher Redfield, always have, always will. Remember that._

_Piers_

Chris' hand trembled over the signature. His chest heaved and he let out a howl. A wail of grief and anguish....of isolation, of total loss.

He'd felt loss before, too many times. But with the exception of his parents he'd always felt it in his head. A searing, burning pain; too often fueled by anger and ignited by shame. But this time it was different; he felt it in his heart as well. Each memory ripped it apart a little more. And he felt it in his loins too, a sense of loss, of longing, of something that now would never be satisfied. His whole body contorted in pain with each heaving sob. Like his very soul was being sucked out breath by breath. Soon he would be nothing but the shriveled, empty husk of a man. One of the walking dead, a Zombie. How bitterly ironic.

"Oh, Piers...Piers.....why didn’t you ever say something? I wouldn't have minded. I, I......" He buried his head in the pillow and wept bitter salt tears. It was too late now, much too late.

At some point in time, he didn't exactly recall when later; the steady rhythm of the ship's engines that had earlier lulled him to into a shallow, tormented sleep, ceased abruptly. As he briefly opened his eyes he felt a shudder run through the ship's hull as the propellers suddenly went into reverse pitch. But he didn't care what they were doing now. Nothing mattered anymore. He reached out to touch the journal, still laying on the pillow beside his head. He closed his weary eyes again. There was a heavy knock on his cabin door.

"Captain? Captain Redfield? You're wanted up on deck Sir, right away! We've sighted something floating on the surface. A large pod, it looks sort of organic. We're bringing it on board now......Er, Captain, you'd better bring your gun."

"Piers?" Chris wiped the sleep from his eyes. What had that old priest said? _'....you too will be found when all hope is lost.'_ Chris Redfield brought the palms of his scarred and shaking hands together. "Oh, please God, let it be him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that for many fans, July 1st is a sad anniversary. I’ve never subscribed to that. Its what Nivanfield is all about. The power to break away from canon and the stultifying grip it has on our hearts and our imaginations. Piers is alive, he's with Chris, and Nivanfield rules! Which is why this little piece is so important to my own Nivanfield AU. Its in this, just two sentences by Chris:
> 
> "Oh, Piers...Piers.....why didn’t you ever say something? I wouldn’t have minded, I, I......”
> 
> Its Chris’ revelation, his ‘Road to Damascus moment’. Where he realizes, albeit falteringly, that he reciprocates Piers’ love for him. So this is where, for me, ‘Nivanfield’ begins. And long may it continue!
> 
> I'm indebted to my good friend and fellow Nivanfield writer @theosymphany for the use of Justin, Eskavar and the Piers singing scene. I've alluded to them before in some of my other works, and as Chris is so fond of saying, "If it ain't broken don't fix it!" Thanks Theo, those were big footprints you left in the Snows of Edonia for me to walk in!

**Author's Note:**

> Video here: https://www.youtube.com/embed/6V_J5-gmhRA
> 
> Analogue performed by a-ha
> 
> Words by Paul Waaktaar-Savoy and Martin Sandberg, Music by Waaktaar-Savoy, Max Martin, Magne Furuholmen © 2005 Chart Promotions Limited


End file.
